Zombie Autopilot

18 Nov

I swear it’s not postpartum depression.

Sign of postpartum depression (as stated by the Mayo Clinic):
* Loss of appetite (I WISH)
* Insomnia (Nope)
* Intense irritability and anger (hehe, no more than usual)
* Overwhelming fatigue (I have a fucking infant. What do YOU think?))
* Loss of interest in sex (No less than usual. Sorry, Mr. Bee!)
* Lack of joy in life (Oh, I enjoy life. I would just like to go out and have one once in a while…)
* Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy (Again, I AM A MOM. I’m pretty sure all these feelings come with the territory.)
* Severe mood swing (Nope)
* Difficulty bonding with the baby (Nope)
* Withdrawal from family and friends (Uh, I HAVE A BABY! What idiot made this list, anyway?)
* Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby (Never!)

I have to say, though, the memory of my two day hospital stay is quite enticing. Room service? Call buttons to have help to wipe my ass, if needed? Where do I sign?

First of all, don’t get me wrong. Postpartum depression is a VERY serious thing and I am in NO way making fun of people you have it.

Also, despite my hereinafter total bitch fest, I do love being a mommy (and a stay-at-home mommy, too). I know I’m lucky, yada yada yada.

But you don’t come here for me to have rainbow diarrhea all over the place.

As I finish up my third month of being a mother of two, I. Am. A. Zombie.

Just replace the craving for brains with donuts.

I am so sleep deprived right now that I’m pretty sure I’m only using roughly 1% of my brain. Maybe 0.001%. On a daily basis, I can’t even remember the last time I nursed the baby, let alone getting questions on Jeopardy correct.

“This is a condition which can transform educated and highly functioning women in to drooling zombie monsters, incapable of completing a sentence and/or using vocabulary above a third-grade level.”

What is “being a mother,” Alex.

Right now my days consist of waking up, breastfeeding Bug, snuggling with Bee until she turns in to a preschool demon, burping Bug, cleaning spit up off my shirt, yelling at Bee, putting Bee in time out, changing blown-out diapers and somewhere in there cleaning the house and attempting to exercise in order to stop being, how can I put this delicately?…ENORMOUSLY FAT.

Blah blah you just had a baby blah.

I’m pretty sure that this is where I would have the punchline of sorts, but due to, well, all of the above, I’m just going to stop writing before I spread more verbal diarrhea all over your computer.

You’re welcome.

The End.

Song title: Zombie Autopilot by Unearth

3 Responses to “Zombie Autopilot”

  1. L.Georgia November 18, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    Hang in there. It was really hard for me the second time around too. Don’t worry about the donuts. YOU WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT (later is OK).

  2. EW November 19, 2010 at 6:29 am #

    I forget the age that it happened but one day my kids turned mostly self-sufficient and thanked me all the time for my hard work. And all my baby weight fell off. OR I just realized I’m going to be a tired jerky jiggly mom for a long time :) The infant + toddler stage is hard but once Bug gets a bit older it does get easier. Not easy, but less hard I guess!

  3. Grace November 19, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    I agree the kids rapidly become more self-sufficient. They become pretty independent by 4. Hang in there and enjoy the lazy days of hugging and squeezing that cute little baby.

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