Wiggly Worm

5 Apr

At the end of this last week, Baby Bee’s super sexy boyfriend (can you say a toddler super sexy in jest without it coming across as disgusting and pervy? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Sorry ’bout that.) found out that he has, well, a temporary “condition.”

Well, there’s no easy way to say this, so here it is:

He has worms.

In his butt.

Did you clench your ass cheeks together just then? It’s okay, we’re among friends. My ass has been itching every since I heard the news. I’ll give you a minute to unclench…

Better? Okay.

Well, here’s the good shit. These worms (pinworms, to be specific) come out at night.

Oh yeah, you heard me. These little fuckers, after taking 1-2 months to grow from eggs in to worms (gag) in your stomach (gag), like to poke themselves out of YOUR ASS HOLE at night (dry heave) and lay eggs around your butt hole (vomiting tonight’s gourmet dinner of popcorn shrimp).

Seriously, how the fuck do we have vaccines for fuckin’ small pox and shit but I still have to worry about WORMS crawling out of my baby’s ASS?!

Oh and this is the best part. Guess what the super high-tech technique is for diagnosing pin worms?

Scotch tape.

That’s right, friends. You have to scotch tape your poor little itchy baby’s ass first thing in the morning so the doctor can examine the tape for eggs. Either that or poke around in your baby’s butt in the middle of the night with a flashlight, looking for the worms to poke their little heads out and say hello.

Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

Scotch tape? Really though?! In a world of advanced medical technology, there’s no better way to find out if a child has a parasite laying eggs in their ass crack than slapping some tape up in there? Like they aren’t traumatized enough with itchy butts and mom looking at their butt for five minutes every time she changes their diaper!

Any who, luckily it seems like Bee and her BFF (who all play together approximately 200 hours a week) have avoided Worm Invasion 2009 so far. But of course, they could have little wormies growing in their tummies right now just waiting to poke their little heads out in a month or two (gag).

Just in case, guess what I got to do this weekend (with the help of Mr. Bee)? Clean every. single. toy in the house. Looked a little like this:

Who Needs So Many Toys?

While I’m not a huge fan of Worm Invasion 2009, mostly because it means I won’t have the escape of ten million play dates this week, I did at least get my house a little cleaner.

But my ass still itches even thinking about it.

Song title: Wiggley Worm by Nomeansno

22 Responses to “Wiggly Worm”

  1. Heather R. April 5, 2009 at 10:03 pm #

    Ah yes, pin worms! Any child who plays in the sandbox or dirt in the backyard will probably get these. Grossest shit ever!

  2. Chelsea D. April 6, 2009 at 7:11 am #

    I am gagging reading your blog and am now on psycho mom worm watch!

  3. Becky April 6, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    Blech. I just vomited in my mouth a little bit.

  4. Rachael April 6, 2009 at 11:50 am #

    Oh my gosh, I totally read another post recently about pinworms and…. EW! Also, I totally agree – there really isn’t a better way to figure this stuff out?! Gross.

  5. Shannon April 6, 2009 at 3:32 pm #

    Um, yeah… I had {gag}… pinworms {choke}… when I was 11{hurl}.

    Doc said most kids get ‘em… and don’t even know it. And he said I probably got mine from swimming in the lake.

    I have seriously not been in un-chlorinated water since… no lakes, rivers, creeks, ponds… never ever again.

  6. Mrs.Musings April 6, 2009 at 7:40 pm #

    That is so gross. GROSS. I am now convinced I have worms in my butt. GROSSSSSS!!!

  7. Courtney B April 6, 2009 at 11:01 pm #

    I just found your blog this evening, and LOVE that this is the first post I read ta boot. You’re my hero. That’s the grossest, most horrible thing I’ve ever heard of. I’m afraid to get up off of this chair now for fear of what might be comming out of my own butt. Jesus.

  8. Betts April 7, 2009 at 7:46 am #

    I remember when my once toddler little girl had itchy butt. Doctor told me check her out with a flash light in the middle of the night, which I did. There was nothing there. Phew! Turned out it was a soap reaction. Between pin worms, lice and ticks, it’s a wonder we moms aren’t nervous, heaving wrecks.

  9. Mama Bee April 7, 2009 at 9:38 am #

    Welcome, Courtney! If worms in your ass didn’t scare you off, you’ll fit in just fine here in the Hive! ;)

  10. Daniel April 7, 2009 at 2:18 pm #

    i can’t stop laughing! no stop… seriously, my tummy hurts

  11. Pearl Wisdom April 7, 2009 at 9:45 pm #

    and i thought that this was going to be some cute description of some wiggly thing bee was doing when i read the post title. whoa, was i wrong.

    and for those of you that didnt feel inclined to click on the pinworm link, allow me to share my fave quote… just in case your arent gagging and clenching enough… “Sleep disturbance may arise from the itching or crawling sensations.”

  12. Tara April 8, 2009 at 10:21 pm #

    I remember them telling us about this in high school — scotch tape and everything! Yuck! (I went to a health magnet.) Then I went home and asked my mom if I ever had pinworms as a baby, and she was totally offended like MY BABY DID NOT HAVE WORMS.

  13. CoreyAnn April 11, 2009 at 11:56 am #

    I know your little boyfriend and my little B had a playdate with him the day before diagnosis…and ever since I have been nothing but itchy and even went to two doctors for hope of an easier diagnosis (yea or nay) on her contracting them.

    Alas they all look at me like I’m a freak of nature because I don’t want to wait the 1-2 months to see if worms start crawling around.

    Makes you wonder why pinworms in kids are so common…doctors could care less about just giving us the meds and letting us combat it until we KNOW that we have a problem…

    Ummm…its a little late by then. They give out antibiotics on a whim…why not de-wormers?

  14. Chanda September 7, 2009 at 5:56 am #

    I can’t believe I clicked this link! My butt may be permanently clenched. Oh please let me and my kids NEVER get butt worms!

  15. Rhonda September 7, 2009 at 7:41 am #

    We had the lice ordeal in my house a few years ago, and it came back again, and again, and again, over about two seasons every year for three years.

    Then we moved.

    It is actually disturbing how the kids just got so used to sitting between my feet and having me pick bugs out of their hair while they watched TV.

    Gross!

  16. Juliet Grossman September 7, 2009 at 12:13 pm #

    AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! This is *common*? I am dreading the day this happens to us. (If it can happen, it probably will happen to us.) Scotch tape, flashlight? It’s like when you’re pregnant and the ob whips out a measuring tape to measure your belly. We expect things to be a little bit more high tech than that. Maybe one day they’ll invent some Star Trek thingie they can wave over you to see if there are worms inside (and if so, KILL THEM before they can “crawl out.”)

  17. Jannabee September 7, 2009 at 12:39 pm #

    Okay, after reading this post, I am laughing. Love it! You are hilarious! I hope your little one never got worms!

  18. Jannabee September 7, 2009 at 12:40 pm #

    Oh wait, just so you know, I love the post- not the worms. I am thoroughly disturbed by the worms.

  19. HollieBerrie May 3, 2010 at 8:24 am #

    You know what’s worse … when you figure out someone in your house has them … and then you SWEAR you can feel them … all day, you’re freaking out because you feel like you have them and can feel the worms crawling around your butthole.

    the worst: anytime you think about them ever again … or someone posts something about them ever … you can feel them … and you get that same sickening feeling … for days … possibly weeks.

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