So I don’t post much about it in fear that one of my clients might happen upon this blog, but when I’m not wiping up spit out food off the floor or poop off of Baby Bee (hers, not mine), I like to fancy myself a wedding planner/coordinator. (<-- That's me working! I have a clipboard and everything!) This last weekend I had a great wedding. The only problem was that it was almost 2 hours away from Chez Bee. So round trip that’s 4 hours. Add in a rehearsal a few nights before and now we’re talking 8 hours of driving for this one wedding. AND, I was silly enough to plan a shopping trip with Sissy to a mall that is another hour and a half away. And coming home during rush hour with The Fair’s last weekend AND a Maroon 5/Counting Crows concert about 10 miles away from my house, I was in the car that day (mostly stuck in traffic) for another four hours.
So, if my math serves me right, this last week I have been in the car about 185 trillion and a half hours. It was fucking ridiculous.
But I digress. What I really wanted to talk about today is the really stupid wedding guest.
“What?!” you say? “Wedding guests are stupid?!?! Could it be true?”
Oh yes. It’s true. Let me give you a few examples:
The “I’m too good to RSVP” Guest
This wedding guest has a complete aversion to making a check mark on a piece of paper and inserting it in to an addressed stamped envelope. Apparently this requires to much physical exertion. You will be required to Vulcan mind melt with this guest in order to figure out if they are coming and who they are bringing. The ITGTR Guests also reserves the right to be totally pissed when there is no seat reserved for them and/or they can’t find their escort card. Since you didn’t RSVP, you don’t have a reserved seat, beeyotch! Deal with it.
The “I can’t read” Guest
The No-Child-Left-Behind Program has not been successful for this sadly illiterate guest. Despite signs that say “Reserved” or “Reserved for Bridal Party” or (and I shit you not, this is exactly the wording I used on a reserved sign for two ceremony chairs this weekend) “Reserved for Ceremony: DO NOT SIT“, the “I can’t read” Guest will sit in that seat. I’ve even had two old hags sit at a reserved sweetheart table for the Bride and Groom! When I asked them, in my dripping-with-sugar-sweet voice, to kindly get their asses to a different table, the old bats actually gave me lip and said there was no where else to sit! I’m sorry, what?! So I should make the BRIDE AND GROOM sit elsewhere?! Don’t make me kick your frail 80-year-old ass out of that seat, because I will! Ask around.
The “Sorry I’m late, but too bad” Guest
This untimely fellow will appear not 10 to 20 minutes early, like all of his fellow, respectful wedding guests, but instead will arrive precisely in the middle of the wedding processional. And I even plan for late-comers and start my weddings 5 or 10 minutes late! But the SILBTB Guest can not be thwarted with such planning! He will arrive, with friends, just before the bride is about to walk down the aisle…AND HE WANTS TO WALK IN TO THE CHURCH/DOWN THE AISLE BEFORE HER!! When asked to stand back and wait for the Bride to go down the aisle before he sneaks in behind her, the SILBTB Guest will either politely obey, rudely and grumblingly obey, or just walk down the aisle anyway! Hey, I have an idea? Why don’t you try getting to the church on time, douche bag! Don’t know how long it takes to get there? Here’s a thought: MapQuest. Or Google Maps. Or buy a fucking watch.
The “It’s not white, it’s ivory” Dress Wearing Guest
Okay ladies, if any person, under any circumstances, could ever possibly interpret your dress as being white, ivory, cream, egg shell, ecru or any other color in the white family, DO NOT WEAR IT TO A WEDDING! You’ve got to have one other dress that is appropriate for a wedding that isn’t the same color as the Bride’s!!
The “What’d she ask me to do? Eh, I’m not going to do it anyway” Guest
Okay, so this is pretty much all wedding guests. What the hell is up with guests that just completely ignore you when you are just trying to do your job?! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve approached a group of people and kindly asked them to take a seat for the wedding/join us in another room for cocktail hour/make room for the Bride and Groom to enter the room/dance/cut the cake/etc., just to have them take one look at me, smile, and then promptly disregard whatever I just asked them to do. I’ve had people jokingly comment to me that coordinating wedding guests must be like herding cats. It’s worse. It’s like herding a bunch of blind, deaf teenage cats. Who are drunk.
So next time you’re at a wedding, think of your hard-working wedding coordinator who is just trying to make the whole shindig run smoothly. Oh, and see that sign? You can’t sit there.
Song title: Wedding Day by the Bee Gees