Weakness of the Body

28 Sep

I am falling apart.

Almost kind of literally.

See, last night I had a delicious dinner at a local Pacific NW-known establishment (it rhymes with SchmIvar’s), and I’m pretty sure that they served me death (or) aids (or, maybe more realistically) some bad seafood.

All I know is that ever since I woke up this morning, I’ve had poo shooting energetically out my ass.

Yes, I said it. Energetically.

No pain, no cramping, but basically a firehose of poo water reminiscent of you-know-what.

On top of that, I haven’t eaten anything today in fear that any food may somehow remain intact and I have to endure an entire whole bagel being forced out my butthole at roughly the speed of light.

Not fun, my friends. Not fun.

Oh and did I also mention that I totally sprained (Google MD diagnosis) a ligament in my food (or my FOOT, if you want to be all spell-checky and whatnot, geesh!) by sitting on it wrong.

Yep.

I’m so fat that I broke (okay fine, it didn’t break) my own foot.

Laugh it up, Chuckles. Laugh. It. Up.

And the pièce de résistance is that I was (okay, and still am a little even though my basal temp says differently) completely convinced that I am knocked up.

This last week or so I’ve been nauseous, light-headed, and totally exhausted. In fact, my really horrible blogging the last few days is a direct result of my napping during Bee’s nap times instead of blogging.

But just for shits and giggles, I thought I would look up the side effects of the new medication that I’ve been taking for the last two weeks (see a correlation yet, people?).

So…yeah.

The medication’s side effects are pretty much EVERY. SINGLE. pregnancy symptoms minus having a goddamn fetus in my uterus.

Super.

To end on a high note, I got to see the musical Wicked last week and it was, for a lack of a better term, wicked. But for serious, it was truly amazing and I recommend it to anyone who loves, well, anything. It’s that good.

Also, a quick shout out to the Mom to Bee reader in the cream colored cable knit sweater who was sitting a few rows over from Sissy and I. My dear old Dad pointed you out to me and I was going to go introduce myself, but then I chickened out.

You’re welcome.

Song title: Weakness of the Body by Judy Torres

12 Responses to “Weakness of the Body”

  1. Sharla September 28, 2009 at 2:46 pm #

    I’m really going to miss it when poo stops shooting out of your ass on a regular basis. I have to say, your play-by-play of it is quite entertaining!

    • Mama Bee September 28, 2009 at 3:18 pm #

      Sharla ~ You are a sick, sick woman. But that’s why I love you so much.

  2. Mira September 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm #

    I have to say that pregnancy can also make poo shoot out of your butt. But sorry if it’s not so. It is just not sounding good for you right now. Perhaps tomorrow will be better…

    • Mama Bee September 28, 2009 at 3:19 pm #

      Mira ~ Let’s hope for prego poo and not bad shellfish poo!

  3. Greg September 28, 2009 at 2:55 pm #

    M2B,

    Sorry for the woes, funny (well not really) I have had the same thing happen (I call it pissing out my asshole, feel free to use that one) at the same place ….wait for it… three times in the last 5 years.

    Yeah I know I am a dumbass, well not again.

    Were you at the fastfood or sit down version of the place?

    Greg

    PS Am I the only boy that comments on here?

    • Mama Bee September 28, 2009 at 3:19 pm #

      Greg ~ It was the sit down restaurant in Mukilteo! We’re thinking it was some prosciutto-wrapped figs we had as an appetizers. Luckily (?), I was not the only one in the family that was struck down by the poo monster.

      And I think you are one of two boys who comment on the blog! It’s a taco fest here at M2B!

  4. Shannon September 28, 2009 at 3:11 pm #

    Is it crazy that I had the same thing after eating at same restaurant and while unknowingly preggers? Keeping my fingers crossed for latter!

    • Mama Bee September 28, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

      Shannon ~ I really hope that the violent poos are a sign from the sweet baby Jesus that I’m prego with a fertilized eggo!!

  5. Keegan Mays-Childers September 28, 2009 at 4:32 pm #

    Hi Greg – I’m another boy who posts here. :-)

    M2B – I feel you, sister. I once had the shits so bad, I was literally running home, and when I got there and made it to a toilet I was shaking from the force with which my body “cast out the demons”. I don’t know if it was SchmIvar’s, and I don’t think I was pregnant, but who knows. And maybe stay away for ordering those sides of death and aids, though who am I to give advice? Anyway, don’t forget to stay hydrated, and good luck getting knocked up!!

  6. Rachael October 1, 2009 at 11:56 am #

    I’m sorry. I’ve been sick too, and it sucks. I’m sorry about the baby. I know what it’s like, how much you want that little bean in there. I am sending all the baby vibes I can your way!

  7. lceel October 1, 2009 at 1:16 pm #

    I wonder what sound a bagel would make, as it gets shot out of your ass at the speed of light and it hits the porcelain?

    Sorry. That visual is going to stay with me for days. I just had to.

    I came here from Rachael’s “Whammy”. You were the only one on her list that I didn’t already read. So, I thought it would be safe. And yes. You can call me Chuckles.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

  1. A Long Walk | Mom to Bee - November 10, 2009

    [...] training while I have been training my muffin top to regrow those five pounds I lost due to that God-given stomach bug a little while [...]

Leave a Reply

UA-5354347-4