Viva Las Vegas

2 Apr

Good times!

Good times!

A girlfriend of mine, who is getting married this August, is having her Bachelorette party the first weekend in May.

In Las Vegas.

This Bachelorette party is destined to be chock full of drinking and debauchery, with a sprinkling of laying poolside in between events with strippers (gag). (I’m sure you’d think with all my heathen behavior I’d be all over the naked dudes, but, uh, no, thank you. Not a fan.)

In fact, the last time we were in Vegas, the Bachelorette passed out in the buffet lobby! (see photo) Seriously, there will be some GOOD stories coming out of this trip (as long as I get approval to blog about said confidential Vegas stories, of course!).

In order to prepare, I am creating a Vegas To Do List. I’m hoping to accomplish all the tasks listed before May 6th.

  • Lose 10-20 pounds.  Each and every one of the other 8 participants will be Women Without Kids, otherwise known as WWK or, in my personal dictionary, stupid bitches. JUST KIDDING LADIES!
  • Tan until I either lose my transparency or shed my top layer of skin like an Anaconda. Seriously, people. I live in the Pacific Northwest, for Christ’s sake. I think albinos are more tan than I am.
  • Find appropriate (read: inappropriate) clothes. Have a mentioned lately that I’m a MOM! I don’t have clothing appropriate for the club/bar scene!! Unless I go out and buy clothes specifically for this trip – which is what I will probably do – the best I could possibly hope for are jeans without holes in them from crawling around on the floor with Bee and a top that flows away from my muffin top, not clings to it. I will be searching non-stop for clothes that are slutty enough for Vegas, but not so slutty as to make me vomit in my mouth. It’s a delicate balance…
  • Figure out how to lose the cellulite that coats the back of my thighs. I’m tempted to cut the cottage cheese out, bottle it up, and just drop the jugs off in the dairy aisle. I swear NO ONE will no the difference.
  • Exercise “daily”. Make that, “twice daily”. Eh, maybe make that, “CONSTANTLY”. Did I mention that I will have to do approximately (and this is just an estimate) 8 billion sit-ups a day to lie poolside next to those stupid bitches, I mean, my friends?
  • Find my magical bathing suit and the chicken cutlets to “enhance” my boobage. Seriously, I will have more cutlets than Chick-fil-a and more duct tape than Home Depot keeping this ::sweeping arm movement over entire body:: from scaring the poor school children on vacation with their parents. And by “school children,” I mean drunken bachelors scoping out my friends.
  • Shave all noticeable body hair (except my hair hair, of course). Is it just me, or is it nerve-wracking trying to get rid of all the hair you need to get rid of in order to be seen in public in a bathing suit? I need to just bathe in Nair or something…
  • Continue all over beauty maintenance. For such an event, I’m sure to require a hair cut, highlights, mani and pedi, to just name a few procedures. Maybe Botox and a boob job…

My shopping has begun and I already successfully worked out once this week. Only 857 million sit-ups to do before the 6th. Why is it so difficult and time consuming to beautify one’s self?

But I can do it all in less than five weeks, right?

Viva Las Vegas by Elvis Presley

12 Responses to “Viva Las Vegas”

  1. Betts April 2, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

    Forget dieting and working out. That’s too much work. Just get lipo.

    I hope what happens in Vegas, doesn’t stay in Vegas, because I do live vicariously through you, you hip, young thing.

  2. Donna April 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm #

    I wouldn’t worry about losing the weight. You’ll all be hung over by the pool anyway, no one will care.

    For slutty-yet-attractive tops, may be I suggest White House Black Market? Everything is black or white and they have some pretty cute stuff that you can wear with jeans and heels and presto – a bar outfit.

  3. Yaya April 2, 2009 at 1:48 pm #

    Lucky!! It seems like everyone gets to go to vegas bachelorette parties but me :(

  4. Lindsay April 2, 2009 at 4:25 pm #

    You can TOTALLY do all of that before Vegas. No question. And you can find lots of slutty in expensive attire at Forever 21. Believe me. I also have one of these Vegas trips coming up, but I am the WWK, and I am hoping that is enough to avoid the millions of situps I need (even without the kids).

  5. Jamie April 2, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

    I was a slut in my previous life so you can go through some of my tops to see if you want to borrow anything….

  6. Mama Bee April 2, 2009 at 6:20 pm #

    Uh, in your “previous” life, Jamie? By previous, do you mean yesterday? ;)

    I’ll TOTALLY borrow stuff! OMG, I love that I have a friend that is over 5’4″ now. So exciting!

  7. sissy2mom2b April 3, 2009 at 9:19 am #

    WHAT?! You suddenly have a prob with people 5’4″? I think we have approximately 8,000 of the same shirts…. :)

  8. Mama Bee April 3, 2009 at 9:29 am #

    Hahah! Sissy, I’m pretty sure that if I wasn’t the family freak (height-wise! HEIGHT-WISE!!), that roughly 115% of our wardrobes would be identical! We’d be like weird non-twin twins. It’d kind of rock.

  9. Mrs. J April 3, 2009 at 10:02 am #

    Yeah really what is with the short person hating? Really? Just as an FYI I do NOT recommend going out with people in their early to mid 20s thinking it will be “good” because you’re going to Vegas soon. Before you know it you’ll be at Cowgirls and pretty much as wasted as ever, get home and not know what the fuck happened. I mean, you know, that *could* happen. (to me last night. ugh. still kinda drunk, can you tell?).

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