The One With Unicorn Love and Shit Storms

Okay, so first of all, the commercials keep on hyping up this week’s episode of The Bachelorette as being super crazy and drama-filled with Kermit the Frog (aka: Kasey) going totally bananas. I’m not saying that I’m drawn to drama or anything, but if this episode doesn’t end with Kermit in a straight jacket, locked in a padded room, I am going to be very disappointed, ABC.

Oh holy hell. They just showed a spoiler clip in the first minute of the show showing Kermit walking in to tattoo parlor. I swear to GAWD if he gets a tattoo of him as Kermit and Ali as Miss Piggy, I will die with a happy heart and pants full of pee from laughing so hard.

Continuing the pattern of complete realism, this week’s episode starts by informing the dudes that they will be continuing their courting of Ali on the road. Well, actually around the WORLD.

Excuse me while I vomit. Really, ABC?! Don’t you want any of your Bachelor/ette couples to stay together afterwards? You’re kind of creating some high standards…

The first stop is New York City and, after a makeover and InStyle photo shoot (gag), Ali finally decides to join the boys for some dates.

Let’s Do What Comes Naturally
Kasey/Kermit scores the first ID, causing Kirk and Weatherman to become jealous. Let me specify…Jealous of KERMIT. Okay, Weatherman isn’t sweeping me off my feet, but no one. NO. ONE. should have cause to be jealous of Kermit. Ever. Unless they are trying out for The Muppets.

After a city helicopter tour, Kermit and Ali land in a grassy park and sit down to enjoy a champagne picnic at sunset.

And then…

Oh holy hell.

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

Sweet Baby Jesus awake in a manger, please, dear God, PLEASE tell me that Kermit is not serenading Ali right now.

This is fucking classic. Because I can find no other way to pay attention to Kermie’s song without involuntarily vomiting in my mouth, here is a transcription of his delightful ditty:

“When I was flying in the helicopter,
Over this amazing city,
I looked to my left and there I saw something
So pretty…”

(Cue Ali’s nervous/embarrassed – for both of them, I would imagine – laughter followed by crickets)

Oh fuck, he’s not done…

“At the end of tonight,
I’m not just your average Joe.
But I hope in my sight,
I’ll see and find a rose.

Heh heh heh. Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”

Ali’s reaction? ((Crickets))

In a completely unfair move, ABC brings us back from commercial with Kermie and Ali already in the second part of their date. Which, of course, is them having the Natural History Museum all to themselves. But I guess ABC couldn’t foot the bill for the electricity, because the poor couple had to walk around with lanterns and flashlights all evening.

After some more champagne, which really at this point doesn’t seem to be helping poor Ali out – how about some Jaeger, people, Kermit begins spewing his protecting her heart bullshit over and over and over.

“It’s just my heart. Jump in, stay a while.”

Seriously, he is making my brain vomit right now.

Oh, holy fuck. MORE SINGING! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!

“On the night that I first saw you,
I was staring through that glass.
And I knew in that first moment,
That you and I would last.

On the beach in California,
You made me start to believe.
And now in New York City
And it’s just you and me.

And tonight you’ve got a rose
And I don’t want to feel it’s thorns.
And if you choose me, Ali,
I’ll forever be yours.”

This guy is the biggest vagina I have ever seen on television. Holy crap balls. Ali decides to not give him the date rose, but somehow also keeps him around.

Why?! WHY?!?!?!?

To be fair, if I was deaf (and was unable to read lips), the guy is kinda cute. But, really? Seriously?! Kermie’s got to go.

Let’s Play
The group date will be Robert-Oh, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank, and Ty. The boys find Ali waiting for them at the Broadway production of The Lion King (which, side note, is totally awesome and I highly recommend it to anyone who loves things that don’t suck). After some pretty horrible auditions, Robert-Oh wiggled those Rico Suave hips and won his way in to the producer’s (and Ai’s) heart, scoring a role in that night’s show.

While Robert-Oh and Ali practice some Kama Sutra moves on wires (side note: Robert-Oh shirtless? Sorry, Mr. Bee, but YOWZA!), the other boys are forced to sit and watch. But, luckily, that torture produces what could be the best line of the season:

“The forecast was for sunny skies and just out of the blue, this storm just like crapped on my face. And now I smell like shit-storm and it’s not good. I need a shower. To shower off the shit.” ~ Weatherman

After their successful performance, the boys reunite with Ali at the after party. Ali is super adorable when she sneaks off with Frank and reassures him that she is crazy about him and wants to make sure he is crazy about her. Oh, those two give me the squishies, they are SO cute together!

Because of feeling like shit (must have gotta hit with that shit storm, too), Ali decides to (1) not give out a rose, and (2) to let Kirk escort her to her room and tuck her in. OMG, is he adorable or what?!

Let’s Take a Bite Out of the Big Apple
Birthday boy, Chris L., scores the final individual New York date. After getting all prepped for his big date, Chris finds out that his NY date is being replaced with taking care of a sicky. Fuuuuuuun.

Eventually, magic NY chicken noodle heals Ali and they head out to a dinner to further discuss Chris’s dead mom.

And to continue the celebration of Chris’ birthday, Ali surprises him with her favorite singer, Joshua Radin. How…sweet?

But according to the tonsil hockey they played, I’m guessing Chris had a pretty good time…

“I want a rose and then I want a one-on-one date. And then I want another rose. And then another one-on-one date…”
Meanwhile, back at the bachelor pad, Kermit has gone missing! Send out a Muppet APB, ASAP!!

Did you notice that he even walks like he has a puppeteer’s hand up his ass?

Enter the tattoo parlor…and a cheesy ass drawing of guess what?! You got it! A shield protecting a heart! Gag.

Instead of simply pulling down his fucking sleeve to cover up the tattoo bandages, Kermie creates some burned-my-arm-on-the-stove story to tell the guys. Rated-R, and I imagine most of the other guys, call bullshit behind the scenes.

At the cocktail party, the Weatherman mans up and finally gets some one-on-one time with Ali. And, what does the group need more of? That’s right! SINGING!! Really, guys? It’s kinda overdone. And. AND! Please don’t f-ing serenade a girl when You. Can’t. Sing. Well.

After that uncomfortable moment, Ali walks right in to another with Kermit’s tattoo debut! First, due to Rated-R’s confrontation, Kermie reveals his tattoo to the boys, to mixed reviews. Then, after presenting Ali with her favorite candy and explaining that maybe he was moving to fast before (because, you know, TATTOOing yourself is totally taking it slow), he is about to reveal his tattoo when…

Frank walks in!

Aaaahahahhahahah! Foiled again! If it weren’t for those meddling kids!!

After apologizing once again for any phlegm she might have coughed up on to the roses, Ali gives out roses to all but two of the fellas…

And the roses go to: Chris L. (from the ID), Kirk (rawr), Frank (yay! Don’t lie, you love him too!), Craig (yawn), Chris N. (who?), Roberto (el rawr-oh), Justin (even he looked surprised), Ty (goober)…and the final rose, because we are unable to count for ourselves (Thanks, Chris Harrison), goes to…Kasey.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Really?! You keep Kasey over both Jesse (hawtness with un-gay tattoos) and the Weatherman?!?!

So what’s up with this Chris N. dude? Did we hear a single word from him this episode?? I recently heard a nifty little rumor that Chris N. could actually be…wait for it…Ali’s brother!! The theory is that he is hanging out with the bachelors to get the inside scoop for Ali!

Since he never says a damn thing, never has a date with Ali, AND, if you watch the rose ceremony closely, he WINKS at Ali when he gets his rose from her…I’m leaning towards some incest Bachelor action on the Bachelorette this season!

And the best quote of next week’s episode:
“The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal.” ~ Ali

Don’t hold your breath, Ali.