The One With The Scariest Basement Ever

Once again, we find ourselves with another week, which means yet another Bachelorette Recap!

Florida Flirting
Finally back in the U.S., Ali gets all packed up to visit her first suitor, Robert-Oh, in Tampa, Florida.

Okay, first of all, can we just talk about the small ass piece of luggage that Ali is “packing” for the trip. Sure, it’s actually a large suitcase, but seriously? You know that girl is going to be wearing approximately four hundred different outfits per date event. Maybe that was just the last of 25 suitcases Ali packed for her trip. And by “Ali packed” I mean some random intern who hates every single second of his/her job/life.

Back to the show…Ali meets Robert-Oh at his alma mater and quickly dons one of his old baseball jerseys as he sports a full baseball uniform.

Meeeee-ooooowww! With a little, okay, a lot of Raaaaaaaaaaaaaawr.

After playing some baseball (which I say VERY loosely), Ali gets down to business with her real favorite hobby: champagne. After getting sauced on the baseball field and obviously neglecting a hairbrush yet again, Ali sits down with Robert-Oh’s family. Robert-Oh’s dad, who is an ex-Army Ranger or something, is hard core with the whole “Robert-Oh is a big prize” stuff and decides to take Ali to task about their relationship.

Meanwhile, Robert-Oh’s mamasita asks him about his own intentions. First of all, Rob’s mom is A-dorable. Secondly, Robert-Oh asks for his mom’s (and dad’s) permission to ask Ali to marry him! Too cute! Top it off with his parents breaking it down and salsa dancing in the living room and, seriously, I want to marry the guy and his family!

Cape Cod Canoodling
Ali’s next stop is to meet Chris’ family in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Dressed appropriately in knee-high boots, Ali and Chris go for a stroll on the beach with Chris’ doggie. Soon they arrive at Chris’ adorable family home where the talk moves immediately to Chris’ dead mom, which again, rooooomantic.

With beer in hand (seriously, this chick’s next stop needs to be rehab, not Tahiti!), Ali meets Chris’ dad, brothers and sisters-in-law. The whole family is sweetness times infinity, but I can’t help but think that when the sisters-in-law notice Ali wearing her Dennis-I-Swear-They-Say-Dentist-Everytime Bracelet, there’s a little bit of “did he seriously give him one of the family bracelets” in the tone of their voices.

But no worries, because over glasses of wine, Ali quickly bonds with Chris’ dad while Chris’ sisters-in-law make sure that Chris is happy.

And while Ali is doing who knows what, Chris and his dad discuss what his mom would say about Ali. So thank you, ABC, for making me fucking bawl my eyes out while Chris chokes up about not being able to show his future wife off to his mom like his brothers got to. Oy. Yet another instance of network television needing to have warning for emotionally unstable pregnant woman prior to showing, well, anything.

Wisconsin Wackiness
In Green Bay, Ali gets to meet two families, as Kirk’s parents (like her own) are divorced. Her first stop is with Beaker’s dad, step mom and adoptive little sister. I don’t think Ali was there five minutes before Beaker’s dad uttered what could possibly be the creepiest phrase in Bachelorette history:

“So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?”

Cue totally blank facial expression on Ali’s face. Slowly, he leads her down in to the Basement of Doom, filled head to toe with dead, taxidermied animals.

“This is what I do. This is my taxidermy work. I bring animals back to life.”

Uh, no. No you don’t. You stuff dead things with God knows what.

Oooooh, but that not even the best part. I think the best part is the freezer full of dead animals. And popsicles. And what looks like frozen bags of blood. Because who doesn’t want to have to root through dead rodents and frozen blood while trying to find the Otter Pops?

And what the fuck was crouched behind Ali’s shoulder while she was talking with Kirk’s dad in the Basement of Doom?!

Fer reals, people. What the fuck IS that thing?!

I think Beaker is hawt and full of the awesome, but I’m pretty sure the pre-nup would stipulate that I would never be forced back down in to that basement ever again.

After surviving that horror, the couple head over to his mom’s house to meet his mom, sister and grandmother. First of all, totally love Beaker’s sister. She seems totally cool and a fun sister-in-law to have. Secondly, Grandma and her cheesy potatoes totally make up for the basement of horrors at Dad’s house.

Kirk’s mom, who, I’ve got to say, is disturbingly orange, is so sweet and obviously loves her son despite his being raped by asbestos in college.

Seriously, could Beaker be any cuter with that hair and those sneakers?! Ugg! Robert-Oh has some competition on the hawtness scale, I think!

Concerns in Chicago
For her final family hometown date, Ali visits Chicago, Illinois to meet Frank the Tank’s folks. They begin by touring Chi-town by boat and getting way too excited by boats honking/tooting (?) their horns for them.

Despite her kindergarten behavior 99.9% of the time, Ali seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to Frank and upon discussing their relationship (over beer, of course. Jesus Christ, Ali!) she seems to realize that Frank is kind of nervous. From what I’ve heard, he has a reason to be, but it’s probably not what Ali is thinking. Damn you Frank and your impending breaking of our hearts!

Ali finally arrives at Frank’s parents’ house, oh wait, Frank lives there too (Looooooser), and meets Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother-in-Law. You can immediately tell that Frank’s family is totally hysterical when Frank responds to Mom’s upfront question about how they feel about each other with “she just came here out of pity” and his dad was all “well, that’s something.”

Over wine (oh my god, this is getting ridiculous), Ali chats it up with Frank’s mom and totally hits it off. What is killing me is how Frank and the family keep on referring to “all the other elements” that Frank is dealing with and “all he’s been through”. What the hell are they talking about?!

After the four hometown dates, I’m scared that Beaker is going to get the axe. It’s the only house so far that she didn’t talk all about how comfortable she felt there, yada, yada, yada. But to be honest, I zone out a lot when she’s talking, so I could’ve missed it…

Three’s Company, Fours a Crowd
Finally back in Los Angeles, Ali arrives in style to the mansion, complete with evening gown with what appears to be a throw pillow sewn on to the front of it.

After her normal girlie pow-wow with Our Lovely Host Chris Harrison, Ali cries in to her rosettes in front of her last four suitors…

The first rose goes to…big exhale…sniff…Robert-Oh! Oh sexy, sexy Robert-Oh! How we lust for love thee.

The next rose goes to…shoulder shrug…twirl the rose…bite the lip…Chris!

The final rose tonight goes to…when you’re ready…clenches hands…bites lip…lip tremble…Frank. Duh. Because he has to go on to be a super douche next week, right?

Oh poor Beaker! Personally, I’d blame it on the creepy as hell dad with the Basement of Doom. But the asbestos-ridden mid-westerner is still super hawt and awesome in my mind!

After a tearful goodbye, Ali sends Kirk off in his limo and joins the rest of her harem back in the mansion to discuss next week’s trip to Tahiti, where Ali will open her heart (and most likely her vagina during the overnight dates) to the final three men.