“The One With All Twenty-Five Douche Bags”

Well, it’s that time again ladies and gentleman (who stumbled upon this blog looking for porn or colonoscopy advice). That time of year where we set aside reality and, let’s be honest, our self respect, to watch another season of…

This season features Ali Fedotowsky, the rainbow-shitting girl next door who fell in love with last season’s bachelor, Jake Fucking-Hawt-But-Boring-As-Yawn Pavelka, only to leave mid-season because her employer would fire her if she didn’t return to work.

Now filled with regret for choosing her job over possible 6 month relationship with a Bachelor, Ali is “getting a second chance at love” with twenty-five douchebags single men looking for their television debut a wife.

Because isn’t that how you found your husband/wife/partner/love of your life?

First of all, when we meet all twenty five bachelors, they all jokingly declare that Ali was their favorite last season and are so happy that Jake didn’t seal the deal with her.

Okay, really, though? If I were the Bachelorette, the first red flag would be any dude having actually WATCHED the Bachelor before! It’d be the first trick question in the interview process:

Producer: “So, the next Bachelorette is…Ali!”

Wrong Answer: “Oh. Em. Gee! She was my fave!!”

Right Answer: “Who’s Ali? Oh, from the Bachelor? I never watch that crap.”

The next biggest test is finding out why the bachelors are here. For love? For fame? It’s hilarious to me that the bachelors come for any other reason than in a desperate attempt at a doomed celebrity relationship. You never see the crazy-eyed bachelorettes on the show for anything other than a relationship and/or future stalking and misdemeanor possibilities.

The next five hours of the show was filled with horribly awkward introductions consisting of Ali screeching in nervous laughter and the men blabbing on about God knows what and/or sounding like complete “Let me protect your heart for you even though we’ve just met” sociopaths.

And here’s lesson #3 for Future Bachelors: When the Bachelorette introduces herself (“Hi! I’m Ali!”), DO NOT respond with “I know.”

Really? Seriously?! “I know”?!?! Fucking douche canoes.

Finally, sweet Jesus, FINALLY, after an hour, we finally get to see the men really fista cuffs for Ali’s attention. After the typical guitar-playing, gift-giving, and whining from the men, Ali decides to give the First Impression Rose to Robert-Oh, who salsa danced his way in to her heart.

Next comes the Rose Ceremony, but wait!! It’s time for a twist! The boys get to vote for the top three douche bags in the house and Ali gets to choose whether or not to keep the accused around.

And Top Douche Canoe is…

Justin, the fake wrestler also known as Rated R. (gag)

After discussing the vote with Justin, Ali decided to keep Justin around, to the chagrin of all the other bachelors. How that one dude who looks like Tori Spelling’s husband (Craig M.) evaded the top douche title is beyond me…

After THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER, Ali is left with fifteen dudes vying for her vagina attention and the title of What’s His Name Again? 2010 Bachelorette Winner.