The One With Absolutely No Romance

I don’t know about you, but when I think about romance abroad I don’t think of Paris, Venice or even Rome. I think of…

Reykjavik?

If you two are saying, “Wha??” then you should know that Reykjavik is in Iceland. Because nothing says romance like freezing your balls off on a freaking glacier or having/choosing to wear a floppy-eared fur hat. Jesus.

As you might have guessed, our beloved Bachelorette and her nine remaining bachelors have headed out of the country on their Journey To Find Love With Ali. Otherwise known as the “How ABC Shit Money Down The Crapper On Failing/Soon To Fail Relationships.”

(Sidenote: This just in! Last season’s Bachelor, Jake The Yawn Pavelka has broken up with Vienna Crazy Eyes Hair Face Girardi after a super long relationship of, oh, only three months. The Bachelor Curse strikes again!)

This week the boys will have three dates: a Group Date, a One-on-One/Individual Date and a Two-on-One Date. Of course, only one of the two dudes will be coming home from the Two-on-One Date, which really, sounds like a bad porno title.

But hey, how does one score the ID with Ali this week? Will she choose the guy she likes the most or will she choose someone that she wants to get to know more?

Nope. The boys will compete. With love poems. That they have to “perform” in front of her.

Because all the songs and performing has worked out so well already.

The bachelors get one hour to write their poems for Ali, but I doubt all of them need that much time. I mean how long could it possible take Kasey to write “Why are there so many songs about rainbows…”?

The poems get off to a cute start with Craig (bonus points for giggles, right?) and I was feeling better about this whole “performing their poems” bullshit…

…until Kermit walked up.

Oh no. What is he going to say?!

Luckily, this was all I heard:

“Hrmp ma frlup shishshu hurump fishflursha.”

Seriously folks, has anyone asked him yet if he actually is deaf? Because he makes me feel like I am when I have to listen to his whacked out voice.

Okay, my/the world’s theory that Chris N. is Ali’s brother must be true. I mean, that poem? I would hope that the reason that poem sucked so much butt was because he was trying to write a love poem for his sister. Which, if the rumor is true? Gross, ABC. Just gross.

The First Date That Doesn’t Have Some Cheesy Title
It should surprise no one that Cutie Kirk took home the ID with Ali. After frolicking in sweater shops, the two get down to bidness in a café where Ali begins to ask about Kirk’s dating history. We learn that he’s never dated anyone for longer than a year (which I don’t find that weird, but whatevs), but oddly he’s kind of vague about the situations and kind of changes the topic. Hmmmm…

Later, wearing matching sweaters (gag), the couple settle down for dinner and Kirk opened up about his health history, which apparently includes coming down with everything from amnesia to genital crabs. Basically, he was raped by asbestos in college. He came through it and now wants to share his crabs with Ali. Despite his lack of brain cells left after breathing mold spores for a year, Kirk is pretty damn adorable.

The Second Date That Doesn’t Have Some Cheesy Title
Back at the house, the boys learn who will be going on the Group Date (Robert-Oh, Chris L., Chris N. (hey! He finally is going on a date with Ali!), Craig, Ty, Frank) and who will be facing imminent doom on the Two-on-One Date (Kermit and Rated-R). Sah-weet!!

On the GD, the fellas took their little lady on a horse ride through a…glacier or something? Romantic…

After riding/falling of horses for a while, the team goes spelunking? Are you fucking serious? Could these dates be any worse for creating romance? At best, all of the guys are now infertile from having their man bits squished to death by the spelunking harnesses. At worst, they all have hypothermia in their, well, everythings. God, this date is lame.

Because of Kirk’s ID and Ty taking the reigns on the GD, Frank the Tank plays it really quiet and it doesn’t go by unnoticed by Ali. I love Frank, but after hearing last week from a friend who heard from a close friend People Magazine that Frank has some girl back at home (given, it’s an ex-girlfriend but still), I’m trying my best to not get too attached to Frankie. I think he’s adorable, but Mama doesn’t like getting her heart broken either. Let’s just say I’m not running out to get a Frank tattoo on my wrist or anything.

After the world’s crappiest date, the harem gets naked half-naked in some steamy lagoon place, where Ali starts close-talking with all the boys.

And by “close talking” I mean French kissing.

After what one can only assume was a head injury behind the scenes causing Ali to drop 100 IQ points and begin talking like a kindergartener and referencing Disney movies, she presented Ty, the uber-cowboy, with the date rose. Dur.

Let’s Explore the Land of Fire and Ice
Tonight, in one corner, we have the Muppet-sounding, obsessive psychopath, KASEY!!! In the other corner, we have the douchey, Rated-R entertainment wrestler, JUSTIN!!! Two men enter the Dating Thunderdome, one man leaves. But, honestly, I’m hoping they take each other out in some blaze of glory gun fight so we don’t have to listen to either of them anymore. Although, Kermit’s crazy repetitiveness would make for a bomb drinking game.

The threesome begin their date on the edge of a volcano (Jesus, she could just push both of them in so easily right now! One can dream, right? Sigh).

Does anyone else think it’s totally fucked up that Ali planned this date not knowing that Rated-R had gotten his cast off? Hey buddy, how much do you like me? Enough to hobble yourself through snow and in to an ice cave? Awesome.

After Rated-R has his opportunity to spew out totally cliché bullshit about the Bachelorette process and yada yada yada, Kermit gets his chance to, as Ali says, “be normal.”

Ahhh, this should be good…

Oooooh, he’s gonna show the tattoo! Oh my God, Ali’s face is classic!! A mixture of shock, awe and wow-I-should-just-smile-and-nod-so-this-crazy-ass-dude-doesn’t-kill-me. Is this the most awkward date in Bachelorette history or what? No romance, tattoo reveals, confused expressions…

But it gets even better! The guy to not make it home doesn’t just get the ax, but he gets left on the top of the mountain!! Muuuuahahahahahaha!!

Poor Kermit gets shafted by his love Ali, but I’m thinking that this might not be the last we hear from dear Kasey. Anyone else sense some crazy stalker shit popping up later in the season?

The Cocktail Hour Filled With Expressions of Love
Okay, seriously people. I really hope that Chris N. is Ali’s brother because that dude is seriously lacking in personality! Mexican food is his “guilty pleasure.” Is he making sweet love to some churros or something?! How is eating a couple tacos a guilty pleasure?!?!

But I died when What’s His Name revealed his fake tattoo on his wrist! HI-larious!! I would’ve given that dude a rose right on the spot just for the comedic factor.

After a long chat session with Chris Harrison where the two share their favorite tampon brands and brownie recipes, Ali finally figures out which of the studs she’s going to keep around for the next leg of the “Even Though We Totally Won’t Get Married, Let’s At Least See Some Cool Places On ABC’s Dime Tour.”

And the recipients of roses are: Frank…pause…Chris L…looks down…Robert-Oh…”Ali, Gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight. Because you don’t have eyes and shit.”…dramatic pause…hiccup…fart…Craig.

Oh no! My Chris N. theory has been shut down! Dammit, that would’ve been an awesome twist, ABC. Maybe they’ll learn from this (because “they” totally read this blog. Obviously.).

Next week: The group heads to Istanbul. No, Constantinople. No, Istanbul. Whatever. They are going to Turkey. And apparently have some sort of greasy gay orgy (GGO – trademark!) on someone’s front lawn?