“The One Where Tori Spelling’s Husband is a Douche Bag”

This week, the 17 remaining bachelors will be split in to three dates with our lovely Bachelorette, Ali: one group date (GD) and two individual dates (ID). One each date, there will be rose given out, however, if you don’t get a rose on an ID, you are sent packing. Adios, amigo.

All Signs Point to Love
The first ID is with Frank, the cute nerdy Retail Manager from Illinois. As Frank and Ali jump, literally, in to a sweet-ass classic car, all the boys begin their whining and moaning about how jealous they are. That jealousy might be cut short, though, when the classic convertible Ali is driving craps out on an L.A. freeway! Way to go, producers! Someone’s getting fired right about now…

Instead of freaking out (which I would have promptly done with my severe anal-retentiveness and control issues. Can we say Xanax?), both Ali and Frank just go with the flow, hop in a taxi and continue their Hollywood/Let the Paparazzi Take Photos of Them Date.

To continue the Totally-Based-In-Reality-Date Trend of The Bachelor/ette, they then continue to unlock the gates at the Hollywood sign and chill out beneath one of the Ls and start the smooching action.

Soon the classic car is fixed, just in time for them to sit on the hood (blasphemy!) and pop champagne while they park/neck/shove cupcakes in their pie holes.

Shockingly (not), Ali gives Frank the date rose and they proceed to suck face again. If I were a betting (wo)man, I might put all my money on Frank. Why even go on dates with the other douches?

Speaking of Summer’s Eve, meanwhile, the leftover boys are continuing their temper tantrums at their ridiculously large mansion home, singling out Rated R (gag) for not being honest with them about his wrestling profession at the initial cocktail party. Yawn.

Later, I finally woke up when Tori Spelling’s Husband starts picking fights with, let’s be honest, who knows who the other dude was. Tempers start flaring like herpes. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Picture Us Together
The next day brings 12 guys (Jonathan, Ty, Chris H., Kirk, Hunter, Tyler, Steve, Craig R., Chris N., Craig M., Justin, Kasey aka: Kermit the Frog) to a Malibu photoshoot for a sexy guy calendar (for charity. Uh, which charity?)

And, wow, can we discuss all the Speedos? First of all, yuck. Secondly, even if it’s super yuck, don’t whine like a iddy biddy baby. Thirdly, if you are one of the other guys, maybe you should reign in some of those compliments? I’m pretty sure that there will be some serious teasing going on when these guys get back home and watch the footage of them telling some other strange dude how great his legs and ass look. Yowzas!

After cleaning sand out of God knows where, the party settles down at some random Hollywood bar, fully stocked with drinks which, let’s be honest, spells some awesomeness as far as tensions between the guys is concerned. I won’t lie, I’m hoping that someone throws a drink in Tori Spelling’s Husband’s face (namely Weather Man).

In the end, Tyce, the previously married guitar playing Casanova, got the date’s only rose. I was pulling for you, Weather Man!

Use These When The Time Is Right…
For his ID, Jesse, the General Contractor from Missouri, receives a pair of engraved cufflinks and gets limo’d to an airstrip to take a private jet to Las Vegas.

Again, totally based in reality.

To continue the Date of Luxury, once in Vegas, they hop in their cherry red Ferrari and head toward the strip. After frolicking in a pool and choking down oysters (bleck), the couple get all dolled up and enjoy a dinner for two in Ali’s suite where Ali proceeds to analyze whether or not there is more to Jesse than his hawt tattoos. (She decides there is, but I have my doubts.)

Again, meanwhile, back at the house, Tori Spelling’s Husband (TSH) continues to be a total asshole, specifically to The Weather Man. I think TSH is chicken shit and just taking the opportunity to pick on the smallest, easiest to bully guy in the house. However, Weather Man really needs to ignore TSH – if he doesn’t get a reaction, he’ll probably, hopefully, stop?

But what is even better is when Ali confronts TSH about his douchebaggery and he, for once, comes up speechless. He tries (and I think, fails) at trying to convince Ali that he’s there for her when he hasn’t actually had any conversations with Ali or asks her any questions about herself. I’m really hoping that Ali will break Bachelorette tradition and kick this loser to the curb instead of keeping him around because, well, I can’t really see a reason for keeping this douche around…

And, okay, let’s take a minute to talk about Kacey (aka: Kermit the Frog). The guy sounds like he’s deaf (no offense to the deaf!) and has a half million marshmallows shoved in to his mouth and is trying to talk underwater. And something about him just screams psycho killer/stalker guy with his repetitive “I‘m here to protect your heart“ nonsense. Am I alone in this?

Oh, gawd, and then TSH gathers everyone in to one room to confront the guys about the “dangerous” accusation. TSH goes from concerned to arrogant in T minus 3 seconds once he pinpoints Weather Man as the source. And honestly, why do other guys in the house laugh and encourage TSH’s behavior?! If I were Ali, I would watch back tape for the singular reason of finding out who backs TSH’s behavior and I’d Auf every single one of them. What loooooooooooooosers. Gah!

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
At the second rose ceremony of the season, three of the bachelors will be going home (too bad it’s not 13).

OMG, she keeps Kermit?! WTF?!?!? GAAAAAAH!!

The other guys to stick around for another week of whining and dining are Hunter, Robert-Oh, Chris L., Justin (aka: Rated R), Steve, Kirk, John C.,Craig R., Chris N., and Jonathan N.

Thank GAWD that Douche Bag Craig/Tori Spelling’s Husband got sent packing! What a tool! Suck it, TSH. The End.