The One Where I Realize I’ve Been Watching This For 7 Weeks. Jesus.

Once again, our frat brothers/Bachelors find themselves in a new European city on their Tour du Love. This week, the boys will compete for next week’s hometown dates in Lisbon, Portugal. Since we’re down to five dudes, there will be four dates this week instead of three and NO ROSES. So no one will be forced to do the walk of shame (aka: be stranded on a glacier in Iceland).

Yawn.

Come be the king of my castle
Robert-Oh scores the first ID with Ali with a not-so-subtle euphemism to be the king (I.e. mount/invade/conquer) her castle (vagina).

Their tour of Portugal basically consists of them being annoying tourists taking cliché photos everywhere and then (gag) dancing in the street. As they ride around on a street car (“Oh Em Gee, Robert-Oh! This is just like San Francisco!! You know, but not.”), Ali smooches away with our resident hottie.

Now seriously, Robert-Oh is figgity fine. So why the hell does Ali keep giving him these tiny little kindergarten pecks on the lips? If I had him in a street car all to myself (you know, and wasn’t married, with a kid and with child), I would be humping his leg like the Easter Bunny in heat!

Eventually Ali shows Robert-Oh her castle, which is disappointingly an actual castle. After some wine and bruschetta, Ali becomes a huge buzz kill by bringing on The Serious. Apparently Robert-Oh is a big ol’ puzzle wrapped in a mystery to her. But what Ali discovers is that said puzzle goes together quite easily when she has her tongue down his throat.

Let’s find our future in the past
The first two-on-one date (bow chica wow wow) will be a Frank and Ty sandwich with an Ali filling.

And has anyone else noticed that the “filling” seems to have migrated to Ali’s chest region? Girl is supporting some serious Victoria’s Secret cleavage this episode!

Somehow the two-on-one date has made the boys feel really “weird” and awkward. Really, though? Was it not awkward when your “girlfriend” was dating 20 other dudes? But not to worry, as soon as the wine starts pouring, moods begin to lighten. And I’m guessing since Ali’s wine glass is glued to her hand the entire date, girlfriend is stressing about which dudes to take to hometown dates.

Ali first pulls Ty aside and asks him the big question: can southern boy handle a wife who works?

What the fuck, people?! Is this the 1950’s?? It “tickles” Ty to death that Ali has a plan and wants to work. How…progressive?

Next up is some alone time with Frank the Tank. He waxes poetic about how important family is to him, because you’d say anything else to your hopeful future girlfriend/wife? At least it’s not something totally embarrassing like that you still live at home with your folks!! Hahahahaha!

Oops.

Yes, you heard me right people. 30-year old Frank lives at home with his mommy and daddy. And somehow that actually makes Ali “aaaaaaaah!” and give him tons of smooches. Ali seems pretty in to Frank, but I can’t help but think that the dastardly Frank is soon to break our collective hearts.

In fact, I’ve heard that Frank makes Wes et al. look like saints… We’ll see in a few weeks, right?

Once upon a time…
Kirk scores the next ID with Ali and is immediately confused with the date invitation clue. “It’s not even a full sentence!” he decries. Yikes! I thought Beaker was a little smarter than that. Must be all the asbestos exposure…

With wine glasses already in hand (Jesus, is it wine o’clock already, Ali?), the couple hop on a horse-drawn carriage to yet another castle. Despite the super cute Kirk/Beaker (even though he is wearing flannel. In Portugal. On a date.), Ali is all *sighs* and “Mmm hmmms.”

As the two sit down for a dinner of wine with a side of wine, Ali admits that she was a horrible date and is all introspective and dealing with the pressure of hometown dates. She tells Beaker that she’s worried that she won’t be good enough for him one day, but he comes back with a Twilight-esque retort about how he never knew himself during his past relationships and now knows that he is deserving of love. Also, he is falling for Ali, not the idea of Ali.

Either Beaker or the wine wore her down and Ali returns to the doe-eyed, totally buzzed Bachelorette that we know and like a little love.

Beaker and Ali admire the melodic singing of a woman who looks like a Portuguese version of my Nana, but is almost as orange as Ali. What a romantic(?) end to a buzz kill date…

Love gets better with age…
Chris L., Ali’s least romantic suitor, gets the final ID on the day of the rose ceremony. The two hop on a Vespa-ish moped, with Chris driving so slow that I’m pretty sure being 9-months pregnant, I could out-waddle/walk them.

And I’m pretty sure that Chris grew a vagina when Ali officially took over driving the moped because she was tired of his grandmother driving.

Once again, Ali sets the mood by talking about Chris’ dead mom. Really, Ali? You are just the mood-setter this episode. I’m sure nothing says romance to Chris than reliving the death of his mother.

After discussing embalming techniques and if he cried at the funeral, Ali takes Chris to a rehab facility.

JUST KIDDING!

She takes him to a winery. Because Ali needs to get her drink on. It is past breakfast time. Geesh!

While still managing to mention his dead mother, Chris does give Ali a gorgeous bracelet made by a family friend. Now she’ll have something to show off when she visits his family. Which is going to be hella awkward when she doesn’t give him a rose tonight, right?

Four roses to hand out
Geez, is Ali just so liquored up from her week of wine-filled dates she doesn’t even need to give her boys a cocktail party?

Side note: is Ali’s dress gorgeous or what? As soon as I’m not the size of a Biggest Loser contestant on Day One (you are more than welcome to evacuate the premises any time, Cletus), I will definitely hunt down and buy, oh who am I kidding covet this dress.

The first rose goes to…Chris?! What? Really?! Dude, this is gonna get interesting real fast!!

The second rose goes to…(looks down)…(tilts head)…Frank! Oh, you are soon to break our little baby hearts, Frank! But I still kinda love you.

The third rose goes to…(not even pretending to hesitate)…Robert-Oh. I mean, duh. Who doesn’t want to lick that little butt chin of his.

The final rose tonight…(sad face)…(twirl twirl twirl)…KIRK!! Oh, snap!!! My friends and I were SURE that RodentFace was totally going as far as hometown visits! I don’t blame her one bit for Auf-ing the half-hamster/half-man, but there is a bigger question looming…

Whose house is full of all the taxidermied animals?!

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Jake The Yawn & Vienna The What’s Wrong With Her Face
Dude.

Seriously.

What the hell is up with these two fucktards?

This is far too juicy to lump on to a normal recap. Stay tuned for my review of “I don’t even know you anymore” versus “whiny crying.”