The One Where Everyone is in Love After a Whooping 4 Weeks

As we leave Iceland and start the week in Istanbul, Turkey, you can’t help but be excited for the rumored drama that will unfold on this week’s episode. Someone has a girlfriend and is on a reality show for shady purposes?? Say what?! Unbelievable!! (/end sarcasm)

“I feel better right now than I have throughout this entire journey. I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point…”

foreshadowing!!!!!!!

ABC waits no time at all (okay, they at least wait until Ali has done her hair and makeup, which honestly, doesn’t look like it took that much time. Ever heard of a flat iron, Al?) and knock knock! Who’s there? Chris Harrison!! Chris Harrison who? Chris Harrison with some totally predictable earth-shattering news for Ali!!

Apparently Jesse, some random chick from Ali’s season on the Bachelor, has some dirty info on one of the bachelors Ali is dating.

Chris calls Jesse on the hotel phone.

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

Seriously, ABC? Best five minutes of television since Alf was caught trying to eat the family cat.

“Hey, Jesse, it’s Chris Harrison. You know, that guy who was supposed to call you exactly right now? Is there a reason why you decided to pinch one off and it took you five hours to answer the phone?”

Basically, Ali finds out that Justin, the Rated-R wrestler, has a girlfriend back home. His girlfriend actually helped him apply for the show and was coolio with the plan until she found out that he has ANOTHER girlfriend in another town. Waaahahahahahaha! SHOCKER!

Ali is of course shocked because “this is the most important thing [she] is going to do in her life.” Wow. Really? Let’s set some higher goals for ourselves, can we?

After having a girlie pow-wow with Chris Harrison, Ali decides to break the news to Justin…

…in front of everyone.

Ali begins by telling the boys how it’s been a really difficult road so far and, well, Justin, it must be particularly difficult for you leaving your girlfriend back at home…

FUCKING. AWESOMESAUCE.

Rated-R immediately bails from the situation and the producers begin to follow him around the entire hotel and grounds. And when I say “grounds” I mean he even gets cornered in the landscaping and has to hobble through fountains and shit.

The best scene? Justin trying to escape in to a café and the waiter locking the doors and waving him away. HILARIOUS!

Eventually the producers must have reminded Rated-R of his contractual obligations and he comes back to Ali full of lies and excuses, which thankfully Ali sees right through. As Rated-R takes his final hobble to the airport, we get to hear the numerous voicemails he has left for his girlfriend about how much he loves her, voicemails left while he was even in ICELAND like two days ago. What an asshat!

Let’s get steamy
After all the drama unfolds, Ty scores the first ID with Ali in Turkey.

Now let’s discuss Ty for a minute. The medical salesman from Nashville just irritates me for some reason. Is it his unbuttoned shirt? Is it his ridiculous necklace that looks like it’s a prop from National Treasure and probably opens some magic treasure chest? Or is it the fact that he looks like some sort of half rodent/half man?

After touring the city, the two strip down to their individual picnic blankets and sit in a hot steamy Turkish bathhouse. Soon they start rubbing each other with, let’s be honest, it looks like baby batter to me, ifyouknowwhatImean. I’m just saying I don’t think I’d want someone, especially RodentMan, rubbing me down with that shit.

Over dinner, Ali delves a little deeper in to Ty’s background, most specifically his past marriage. After discussing that he was accustomed to his mom staying home, etc. etc. Ali asks if his wife worked? Ty’s response, “That was a lot of it. I guess I struggle with that a little bit.” IT was a lot of WHAT?! You aren’t answering her questions, goddammit!!

Side note: My stupid netbook keeping changing “goddammit” to “goldsmith”. WTF, Asus? Yeah, I totally meant that I think that Ty is a goldsmith…

Don’t ask me why, but RodentMan walks away with the ID rose after “opening up” so much to Ali. Personally, I think it was the ejaculate-filled bathhouse massage that pushed her over the edge.

Love conquers ol(ive)
Chris (who isn’t Kirk despite the resemblance), Robert-Oh, Kirk (who we’ve decided slightly resembles Beaker from the Muppets – what is it with the Muppet contestants this season?) and Craig will be joining Ali…

Olive oil wrestling with the ugliest Turkish men the producers could get their hands on?

Let’s just say, weirdest date ever.

Except for the match between Kirk/Beaker and Robert-Oh. I’m not proud of it (well, yes, yes I am) but I taught Bee to say “I’d like to be the meat in that sandwich” while watching the program the other day!

After three rounds, Craig, the funny, nerdy lawyer from Philly, beat the hunky boys for one-on-one time tonight with Ali. This is Craig’s very first one-on-one date with Ali (you’d never know with all his proclamations of love, though).

The other men are sent packing back to the hotel to wash olive oil off of themselves and Craig and Ali head out for a boat ride and desert. Apparently wrestling for your love doesn’t earn you a full meal. Sorry, Craig.

Immediately, Craig won me over with his sense of humor. Don’t forget his witty love poem last week and his hand-drawn tattoo on his wrist at the last rose ceremony. This week he begins the date by suggesting that he quit his job and become a professional olive oil wrestler. Okay, I want to date him now.

But even though it is technically their first date, it doesn’t really seem like there is much chemistry between the two of them. At least from Ali’s point of view, I think. I’m measuring that on the fact that she has let him complete far too many sentences without jamming her tongue down his throat like she does with the others.

The road to love is bazaar
Frank is the first bachelor to score a second individual date with Ali. They spend the afternoon at a spice bazaar buying aphrodisiacs and trying on belly dancer outfits (okay, I’ll specify that Ali tried on the outfit. I like Frank and all but I don’t think anyone needs to see that).

After meeting the world’s greasiest carpet salesman, who convinces Reid, I mean, Frank to buy a rug despite his one million declarations that he is NOT buying a rug today, the two head out to dinner…

…in the middle a cistern.

So, if you’re anything like me, you are asking yourself right now, “What the fuck is a cistern?” Well, I’m glad you asked…

cis·tern [sístərn] (n)
1. water tank: a tank for storing water, especially one connected to a toilet.

That’s right, ladies and gentleman. Ali and Frank are dining in the middle of toilet water. I’m pretty sure someone on the ABC staff should really get fired for these dates.

After Frank opens his heart to Ali about being hesitant to the process and letting himself fall in love, the two share some romantic e. coli water kisses and she gives Frank the Tank a rose.

The cocktail party that is severely lacking in both cocktails and parties
Instead of heading down to the cocktail party, Ali instead asks Chris Harrison to chat with her about canceling the party.

Seriously, those two’s cycles must have sync’d by this point with all the time they’ve been spending together. I’m pretty sure Ali and Chris spend their evenings braiding each other’s hair and watching My Best Friend’s Wedding. Just sayin’.

With Reid/Frank and RodentMan/Ty already scoring roses, the final three roses go to…

Pick up a rose…

Look down…

Spin, spin, spin…

Sigh…

Robert-Oh.

Pick up a rose…

Look down…

Spin, spin, spin…

Vacant stare…

NotKirk. I mean, Chris.

“Ali, Gentlemen, it’s the final rose tonight…when you’re ready…”

Sad puppy face…

Bite the lower lip…

Kirk/Beaker.

Ah, man! The dude with personality strikes out again! But don’t worry whatever-your-name-is. You will totally be scoring some tail when you get back to the states. As a friend of mine exclaimed at his dismissal: “But he’s the only one with a real job!!!”

Next week on The Bachelorette, the group heads to Lisbon, Portugal. But wait a damn second, what are all these previews of the rest of the season?! So obviously, Frank and Robert-Oh get hometown dates and thanks to ABC blowing their load, Frank, Robert-Oh and Ty are for sure going to Tahiti for the finale.

BUT FRANK?!?! WTF FRANK!! What is he going to say to Ali?! With everyone crying on the next couple episodes, I’m literally on the near-edge of my seat, but not really because my pregnant ass is far too big and let’s be honest, you know I’m laying back on my couch because, again, prego.

But you get the drift.