The Next Step

12 Nov

After last week’s disappointment, I was thrilled yesterday to go to my very first acupuncture treatment for fertility (and a little bit for anxiety).

Appropriately, I began the appointment by being retardedly nervous. See, since information is my one true love (you know, besides Mr. Bee of course) I had tried my best to research the crap out of acupuncture prior to the appointment. But you’d actually be surprised with what little information is out there about where in your vagina they stick the needles.


Overall, the appointment was pretty non-eventful. The pretty little office was located (and still is *rim shot*) between Patty Murray and Maria Cantwell’s offices in Tacoma which, being the nerd I am, was pretty cool. I asked if Maria would be joining us but the receptionist just looked at me like it was a totally ridiculous question. Rude much?

After explaining why shoving needles in to me would totally be a good use of a senator’s time, my super sweet acupuncturist brought me back to The Room…

The Room was a dark and cold dungeon-like space lit only by candles…

Oh wait, no, no it wasn’t.

Sorry, since my appointment was so not story-worthy, I’m feeling the need to embellish a little. The Room was actually a warm and lovely little room with a massage table.

See? Not very story-worthy.

After an hour of discussing the consistency of my bowel movements and size of my menstrual clots (okay, maybe it is story-worthy), I was told to take off my shoes, socks and tee shirt and lay down on the comfy massage table.

I don’t know why the acupuncturist got nervous when I asked where the stirrups were and when I’d have to take off my pants.

Laying on my tummy, I got one needle in the top of my head (to release all the hot air, I presume), one in my right wrist, one in my left foot and about a dozen or so in parallel lines on either side of my spine. I was told to expect some cool Qi sensations but I guess my Qi took the day off because all I felt was my anxiety picking up. I mean, what if I got a stomach ache during the treatment?!

I think we can all appreciate the horror of having explosive poo while you have a needle in your foot and needles all the way down your back.

Needless to say, the relaxation breathing technique went from recommended to goddamn necessary real quick.

Overall, the experience was pretty cool and I’m looking forward to next week’s appointment. Now that I kind of know what to expect, I’m hoping to enjoy the experience instead of having to concentrate on not pooping all over the massage table.

In the meantime, I’m trying to transition from being a 30 year old to being approximately 75.

What do I mean, you ask?

Well, besides the crazy nutritional requirements (you mean, I’m supposed to eat vegetables???) and weird ass bone marrow soup I’m supposed to make myself (yeah, I might wait a while to dive in to that one), I also was given approximately 1800 new supplements to add to my daily regimen.

And by “given” I mean they cost like $90. OUCH!

So yes, I’ve had to start using one of these:

Oh God, I'm old.

I shit you not, people. Look how many pills I have to take every day:

At last count, that's about 900 pills I have to take a day.

This definitely goes on the list of Shit I Will Make Cletus the Fetus Feel Guilty About When He/She is Finally Conceived.

And yes, I’ll start the guilt trips as early as conception.

Song title: The Next Step by Island Rhythms

2 Responses to “The Next Step”

  1. Keegan Mays-Childers November 12, 2009 at 12:43 pm #

    I have never had accupuncture, so Thank You for taking some of the mystery out of it.

    As for the suppliments, I currently take about half the amount seen above, and am always amazed at the amount of liquid it takes to wash all that crap down, and then how vile my urine smells all day. WTH! Seeing what you have, I don’t feel so bad anymore. :-)


  2. Erin November 12, 2009 at 1:31 pm #

    You did it! And I am not sure this will make you feel better, but you take the same amount of meds as my dog. But he is male and I would NOT be pleased if he got pregnant.

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