The New Workout Plan

Today I was fat shamed.

Today I was that my body, as-is, isn’t good enough.

Today I almost punched a three-year-old in the face.

Picture it: A bright and sunny morning at the park. Bug and I decided to spend a few minutes at the local park before heading to drop-off for kindergarten (our kindergarten starts almost an hour later than the rest of the school…don’t even get me started…).

Upon arrival, I notice that our timing coincides with the local mommy-stroller-workout-group. Moms are unpacking strollers from cars and starting to congregate while their children play on the big toy. I sit down while Bug starts climbing when I’m approached by a young boy.

Incorrigible (read: learn some manners, Kurt) Boy: Hi! Are you here for the mommy-stroller-workout-group?

Me: (all smiles) Nope! I’m a lazy mommy!

IB: You should workout. Do you workout? You should workout. Have you worked out before?

Me:

IB: My mom is here to work out. You should work out.

Me: …(stares at phone trying to will him away)…

IB: Have you ever worked out before?

Me: yeah…

IB: You should work out. You need more muscles. My mom works out all the time. When she’s not working out she’s at home.

Me: mmmm hmmmm… (thinking: go away)

IB: Do you work out? *MY* mom has worked out for TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTY YEARS!!

By this point I’m *this close* to yelling “YOUR MOM ISN’T EVEN TWO THOUSAND YEARS OLD SO THAT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE, DUMMY!”

But luckily it was time to load up and leave for school. So once again I have dodged verbally assaulting young children in public. #winning

Song Title: The New Workout Plan by Kanye West