The Evils of Placenta Hustling

26 Mar

Okay, first of all, how totally awesome it is that I had my choice of THREE song titles that feature the word “placenta”? Pretty awesome, I think.

While we happen to be on the topic of placentas (best transition EVER), this morning I got a message from the hospital saying that the doctor reviewed my ultrasound photos and had some “instructions” and that they needed to talk to me today.

Nothing like an early morning phone message to freak you the fuck out before your coffee.

I immediately returned the call while simultaneously emailing Mr. Bee and Sissy and texting Arla-Shay to update them with the news. But I was totally reassured by the doctor’s office when I found out that the nurse/doctor/medical-talkin-folk were busy with another patient. Could I call back in 10 or 15 minutes?

SURE! Why not?! It’s not like I’m freaking the fuck out over here or anything? I’d love to stew in my “my baby is most definitely retarded and missing a brain and a leg and maybe an arm and how did they miss this on the ultrasound and oh my god this is the worst day ever and what the fuck is going on in there” thoughts.

After a tortuous 15 minutes, I called back the office and was told that for whatever reason, my doctor took another look at my ultrasound photos and deduced that I have marginal placenta previa. Basically, my placenta is too close to my cervix which could potentially cause some minor and serious bleeding issues.

The good news? The doc told me that I have to lay off the pushing/pulling/lifting/heavy housework (ha!) and…wait for it…no sex for four weeks until they can give me another ultrasound.

Somehow the lady didn’t think it was funny when I actually laughed and told her, “um, yeah, that’s not gonna be a problem.”

Seriously, she kept on reminding me “no sex” and I was like, “I have a doctor’s note to get me out of sex? AWESOME!!”

Don’t lie, I know you’re jealous.

But fer reals, I think the biggest issue is going to be not picking up Bee (and protecting my stomach from her random climbing and kicks). The little one doesn’t even climb in to her car seat by herself yet, so this might mean more home detention than I realize.

Well, I’ve gotta go and do, well, nothing, I guess. Who knew I could be even lazier than I normally am?!

Song title: The Evils of Placenta Hustling by The Bloodhound Gang

9 Responses to “The Evils of Placenta Hustling”

  1. Kristen March 26, 2010 at 11:05 am #

    Take it easy. I made Beanie learn how to climb up in her carseat pretty early on when I was preggers bc I didn’t want to deal with it later on. I guess now’s as good of time as any for Bee.

    I hope it’s moving on up by your next appt. and, yes, I do think it’s awesome you have found songs with placenta in the title. ;)

  2. Jackie March 26, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    Well shoot, that ain’t so bad. No sex, no lifting, no pushing? You’re on vacation, lady!!!

  3. Erin March 26, 2010 at 3:43 pm #

    Dude, I want one of those notes!

  4. Rachael March 27, 2010 at 5:50 pm #

    Yeah, where’s mine?

  5. Aunt Becky March 28, 2010 at 8:22 am #

    I totally need a copy of that note, okay?

  6. Midori March 29, 2010 at 7:32 am #

    Jealous – doesn’t begin to describe it! Day-um! How did you not say “Happy Birthday to ME”? Enjoy!

  7. Keegan Mays-Childers April 1, 2010 at 11:01 am #

    I keep reading this as The Elvis Hunting Placenta and it stops me in my tracks every time. Not in a bad way, just… interesting. :-)

  8. Amy April 18, 2010 at 12:02 pm #

    Well shoot, that ain’t so bad. No sex, no lifting, no pushing? You’re on vacation, lady!!!

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

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