The Element of Surprise
26 Oct
Last week’s therapy session, like the week before that and the week before that, was ridiculously insightful.
Fer reals, people. I totally recommend therapy. Not only do you get to fulfill your narcissistic tendencies and practice your stand-up to a captive audience, you also learn a ton about yourself. Because, duh.
So this last week, we delved in to my anxiety and planning tendencies.
What planning tendencies, you may ask? Well, obviously you don’t remember this:
I think maybe some of you made reference to my insane Excel spreadsheets I create in preparation of last Spring’s trip to Las Vegas. Because obviously you didn’t realize that I’m sick. Are you happy with yourselves now?
Well, it turns out that my ridiculous planning techniques are really just a coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety. Apparently not everyone creates Excel lists and detailed daily itineraries for vacations. Who knew?
Oh, but I don’t stop there. Not even close.
I will even look up the menu for a restaurant that I’m going to in say, like thirty minutes. Because God forbid something catches me off-guard.
That’s when Dr. Crazytown my therapist asked me how I handle surprises.
And then I realized something.
I don’t let myself be surprised. Ever.
If there is even a hint of a surprise in my future, I will research that shit out of that mo-fo until I know every single detail of said “surprise”. Seriously, I will hack in to the tubes of the Internet if I have to. Me and my laptop are not to be trusted.
And it’s totally been happening my entire life…
When I was little I would search my entire house CSI-style from the glitter-embedded popcorn ceiling (oh yeah, baby! 1970′s houses ROCK!) to the cold garage to find my Christmas presents. (Don’t worry, Mom & Dad. I only found the presents once. Or twice…). I was SO excited the year I found the Girl Talk board game!
But I digress.
Some years I would even attempt to unwrap and then rewrap the presents that were already under the tree! Fortunately for my parents (and Santa), I would usually give up because it was far too time-intensive for my busy tween schedule of watching Jem and reading Teen Bop Magazine.
But that’s not even half as sneaky as I can be.
Not only did I find out what my engagement ring looked like prior to the question being popped (which really isn’t that crazy), but I also found out how he was going to propose before he did it. See, Mr. Bee took me to San Francisco for the weekend to propose and to be fair, I didn’t know about that plan before it happened. But I did know about the plan before the San Fran Plan (say that five times fast!).
I was sneaky enough to find out that Mr. Bee had actually planned on taking me on a week-long trip to HAWAII to propose! I was beyond excited!! Of course, knowing that I wasn’t supposed to know was tricky. I couldn’t share my excitement because, well, I wasn’t supposed to know!
Then something horrible happened. Mr. Bee’s work ended up scheduling a mandatory you-don’t-attend-you-don’t-have-a-job kind of meeting during the week that he had planned (and booked) the trip to Hawaii. So he had to cancel everything. And, of course, using my totally inappropriate sneaking and snooping power of deduction, I found out that the trip had been canceled.
I was crushed! But, of course, shouldn’t have been disappointed as I shouldn’t have originally even known enough to be excited! I ended up confessing to my discoveries to a friend in school because I had to tell someone, right?! I needed at least one friend to share my excitement (and disappointment) with!
I finally confessed what I had done to Mr. Bee in preparation for this post. So what if I waited roughly 6 or 7 years to do it?! I never said I wasn’t totally chicken shit. I’m just a snoopy chicken shit.
But something that did surprise me was that Mr. Bee wasn’t at all surprised! I guess he knows me better than I thought…
So, honey, if you ever want to (try to) surprise me again in the future, you pretty much have to be prepared to never, ever leak word of it to me and probably use an email that I have never even heard of before. And you might want to move and change your name, too.
And, dear God, never bring the presents IN to the house.
Because I WILL find them.
Song title: The Element of Surprise by E-40
I have always been the same way. I am impossible to surprise because I snoop for presents. I have ALWAYS found my presents. Every year. I always know.
I never thought about why, but you can bet your ass I’m bringing it up with MY therapist next week.
Holy shit. We’re twins.
I opened most my Christmas presents and rewraped them. I give my family a short list of what I want so as to not be surprised. My birthday is on Christmas day and last year my husband had my mom decorate the house while we were at a movie…. would have been great but he texted my mom about an hour before we left for the movie and I read it over his shoulder. I found the receipt to my engagement ring and looked it up on the internet so I could really ruin it for myself. I didn’t want to find out what flavor baby we were having but bribed the tech to tell me at the last minute.
The list could go on and on.
Wow. Separated at birth I tell ya. Maybe we could get a two for one deal on crazy days at the therapist?
I loved your idea of the spreadsheet itinerary.. I loved it so much that I am actually in the process of making one right now for my trip to Boston next month.. it was such a great idea.. so maybe don’t give up that part of your “insane” planning techniques. Making a spreadsheet – that is just good sense.
I realized last year when beginning the pre-prep phase of planning my own b-day party (um, yeah, for the 20th year?), that perhaps people don’t surprise me because I would always rather do it myself so that nothing that is going to pop up that I don’t like. Actually, I’m lying. I didn’t figure that shiz out. Like 15 people told me. So, I realized that I either have to hand over the reins to my very capable & loving friends or not age. I did not have a birthday party this year
Make sure Mr. Bee knows he can always hide presents here if need be. I hope we’re more secure now than when you lived at home…..
Has the word ‘control’ come up yet? Or is the therapist dancing around that one? People are always impressed at my scheduling for the triplets but there’s no choice in that matter. As for the rest of it? I’m pretty good at controlling the chaos. It may look like my house is a disaster, but I guarantee it will piss me off if you move one thing. I know what I’m doing here!
awww, i loved that your dad commented!!!!
i am guilty of previewing menus too! in fact i get a little irritated when a restaurant doesnt post it’s menu online. the nerve!
honestly i think not liking surprises is a control thing too. but i can say that because i am the same way. i dont even like it when my husband takes a different route to the farmers market. he should go the correct way, MY way!!! hahahaa!!!
Shockingly, my shrink said that it doesn’t have that much to do with control! It’s more about dealing with the unknown and that I deal MUCH BETTER when I have information and know what to expect. Whoda thunk?
PS: Dad, that would actually be a GREAT hiding spot since I don’t have a key to your place any more! But I could break in since I do have the alarm code…
I do Excel spreadsheets for vacations too. And I found my presents once and it was the worst Christmas ever, so I never did it again. You’re making me think I need therapy
Dude, you really ARE my twin. I am a mega-planner to deal with anxiety, too. I have made the packing spreadsheets just like you. And although my guilt about snooping for Christmas presents kept me honest, I too freaked out when I received Girl Talk.
SOOOO awesome.
Aaaand, you Dad has joined the fold. Welcome GrandBee/Papa-to-Bee. Muahahaha…
1. Restaurants w/o online menus are just wrong. I mean do you want me at your restaurant or not?!
2. Awww, I remember that spreadsheet, and how I made (good-natured) fun of you for it. And look how much support you’ve gotten!
3. Didn’t we manage to surprise you for your baby shower?
4. I am just as controlling as the next girl, believe me, but I never got the present snooping! It totally ruins it! I want to know I’m getting something but don’t you date tell me what it is! So are the nuances of control freakery vs. anxiety, I suppose. Le sigh. oxo
Love ya monkey.