“The Blue Hole”

20 Feb

Week leading up to home town dates.

Despite the promo, I seriously do not buy that there is going to be some serious talk between Ben and Courtney. I’m sure he’s just gonna tell her how much he wants to fuck her in the water again. Ugh.

As I rinse the chunks of vomit out of my mouth, this week opens in Belize and the biggest mansions they have ever stayed in. B-E-A-utiful!

Does it bug anyone else that Lindzi is all “country”? You’s from Bellevue, yo. Roughing it for you is probably going to Factoria for Nordstrom Rack.

Chris Harrison, our sweet, beloved, and-too-bad-he’s-married host, tells us immediately that there will be THREE one-on-one dates and one group date, but the only date rose will be available on the group date.

Date #1
Lindzi, two halves make a whole.

Jesus, cue the crying already. What is the deal with this Nicki chick? I mean, I get the emotional drama and all, but could you wait for like the ten minute mark of the episode before breaking down in hysterics?

At least some of the other girls can fake a smile when they see Ben arrive to pick up Lindzi. Poor Nicki has “I just smelled a load of dog shit” face.

Once again, Sweet Ben takes a terrified-of-heights beauty to…wait for it…jump out of a helicopter in to a gaping huge blue hole in the ocean. Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to do that?

::this guy::

After jumping in the water, the two apparently kissed for hours until dinner time. They come upon a pillow picnic on a dock and Lindzi exclaims, “Is this for us?!”

Really, Sherlock? No, that candle-lit picnic surrounded by cameramen? For some other couple.

While, on paper, I think Lindzi and Ben are really good for each other, but I don’t see the chemistry that he has with Casey B.

After dinner, the couple writes a fairytale based on each other and send the note off in the ocean in a glass bottle.

Date #2
Emily, do you Belize in love?
As Emily departs on a plane to meet up with Ben, Courtney begins her “ugh, Emily is so dumb” tirade, which is getting old. But, you know, COURTNEY is getting old by now. Send that bitch packing!

After the plane ride, Ben and Emily ride bicycles through town, play some pick up basketball, go for a walk holding hands, shopping, and dancing.

Upon arriving at a dock-side lobster vendor, the couple find out that all the lobsters have been sold, would they like to go on this SUPER SPONTANEOUS snorkeling trip to kill lobsters?

Oh em gee, that was like SO spontaneous…

Back at the house, Courtney is whining about Ben going on a date with Emily and not, I don’t know, beat Emily up like Chris Brown and Rihanna because Emily insulted Courtney about five weeks ago.

Get. Over. It. Whore Face.

Back to the Lazy Lizard cantina, Emily and Ben sit down to dinner and discuss hometown dates…but wait! Emily brings up Courtney AGAIN! Jesus Christo! In a round-about way, Emily gets to answering “yes,” she would love for her family to meet him. Then they play some serious tonsil hockey.

Date #3
Courtney, Let’s take the next steps in our relationship.
Unfortunately, I have to prepare myself for a full ten minutes plus of pure Courtney screen time. I hope he gets to see the whore face come out.

Before I start vomiting from excessive eye rolls, Whore Face pretty much spends the initial picnic on a human sacrifice monument whining about how she wasn’t going to accept a rose from him if she didn’t get a one-on-one date. Basically, she grandly manipulates Ben yet again and now he “sees [his] life with this woman.”

Later, at dinner, Ben asks Courtney about her relationships with the other women. Her response basically identifies her as a dirty bitch who is a pathological liar. I mean, she has spent the whole time trying to compliment people and be so super nice?! Holy fuck balls. I want to hit Courtney in the face with a shovel.

Date #4
Rachel, Nicki and Casey, let’s sea whose family I will meet…
Ben sneaks in to the suite and wakes the girls up at ((gasp)) 4 o’clock in the morning. The girls are shocked by the early morning surprise and quickly shave their pits in the sink before boarding a catamaran in the ocean.

During a mimosa toast, Ben reveals that the date will include shark diving because roooooomantic, right?

So, do the producers ensure that none of the women are menstruating? Gross, I know, but that seems like a pretty important question.

After convincing herself that a $2.99 rose is worth swimming with motherfucking sharks, Rachel jumps in the water with Ben.

Unfortunately, all of them survive and they continue on to an afternoon loungy date.

((cue cookie cutter conversations about families and hometown dates))

Side note: Is there some weird gravitational issue with Belize and the girls boobs? Cuz they all look funk in those bikinis. Except Casey. She’s perfect.

And the date rose goes to Casey. Because, duh. I mean, I want to date Casey.

Shortly after the rose, Courtney has to, of course, hang out on the balcony above their date. Fuuuuuuuck. I hate her.

Cocktail…Awkwardness
Upon arriving to their cocktail hour(s), the girls discuss their nervousness and friendships, but Courtney proclaims that the girls are way too somber and that Ben is not the only guy in the world.

Really? Really?!

Though expecting Ben, out comes our lovely host who declares that there will not be a cocktail party this evening. They are going straight to the rose ceremony.

Before the roses, Ben decides to pull Courtney aside to discuss…

…whether or not she’s in it for Ben or not. She continues to spew her whoreface bile and I fear that Ben totally buys it, hook line and sinker.

And roses go to…

…Nicki…Lindzi…and Courtney.

HOLY MOTHER FUCKING JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Losing respect for Ben by the minute.

Somehow, getting axed by Ben made Rachel half-retarded/half-the Target lady from SNL…

Emily, on the other hand, marches off with her head held high and signs off hoping that Ben sees the douche bag behind the model face.

Next week, hometown dates and awkward conversations. I hate Courtney’s family already. Even her dad, Kenny Rogers.

One Response to ““The Blue Hole””

  1. Erin Wilson February 20, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

    I have long believed that Emily and Kacie are too good for Ben. He is just a horny frat boy. I mean, nice YouTube video, Storm Horse!

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