The Birth of… (Part Four)

10 Sep

So, where were we?

First, my vagina leaked a bunch of fluid.

Then, I discovered the most efficient way to crush one’s spirit includes an anesthesiologist.

THEN, we were introduced to The Claw.

Let me tell you, I was very disappointed with the Google Image results from “palsy hand.” So I’ve decided to break out my award winning illustration skills yet again to properly describe The Claw…

TheClaw

I hope that helped.

At some point while I was mesmerized by The Claw (because who wouldn’t be, really?), the doctor had sliced me open and was doing God knows what to me. For some reason, I got huge entertainment out of trying to convince Mr. Bee to peek over the curtain and check it out for me.

I mean, how often do you get the chance to see your wife’s belly cut open?

Okay, well, it made way more sense to me at the time. I’ll blame it all the drugs that were coursing down my spine. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

After the doctor was done playing Operation with my torso, it was time for Bug to be “born.” The anesthesiologist described it perfectly: he said, “Okay, in a minute you will feel pressure like someone is sitting on your chest.”

He was totally right.

If by “someone” he meant a Biggest Loser contestant on Day One. Or Oprah.

’Cause that shit was intense! I’m sure it was only three seconds (if that) but it left a lasting impression.

And that was it. Bug was born!

The doctor held him up over the curtain so I could see him and the very first thing I thought was “Holy shit! That’s BEE!!” I swear that they are practically identical at birth! Check it out for yourselves…

Bee

Bug

After they cleaned off all the chucks of uterine goodness, they handed Bug over to Mr. Bee to snuggle with. Mr. Bee brought him immediately over to me and as I stared in to that perfect little face…

I yacked all over the place.

And I continued to blow chunks for hours.

It fucking sucked. I had managed to get through the entire labor and delivery keeping my lunch down (unlike Bee’s birth which featured my stomach contents flowing freely from me for hours and hours as I labored), only to be as sick as a dog for hours afterward.

The whole next day I had a bottle and a half of water. That’s it.

And it still made me dry heave.

Eventually I could eat again and got around to strutting my stuff in my gorgeous hospital-provided mesh underwear.

Side note #1: Despite the fact that Victoria’s Secret will likely never carry underwear as horrendously unattractive as maternity mesh undies (for the un-initiated, picture soft mesh boy shorts that go up as high as your boobs and leave nothing to the imagination. However, you are wearing a maxi pad that – no joke – goes from under your belly button to the small of your back. So there’s not much to see there.), I was actually looking forward to them. Mostly because they are ridiculously comfortable after squishing a baby out of your vag. I even scavenged my room for extra to take home.

Side note #2: I don’t think I would’ve been so excited for the mesh underwear if I had known that upon arriving home, I would have a reaction to the undies resulting in a horrendous red rash covering my entire ass and even up the small of my back. It was horrible. I seriously looked like one of those women who have been attacked by the acid thrown in their face. But, you know, on my ass.

What? Too soon?

So now I have my gorgeous little Bug who, despite ruining my body to the point of my stomach resembling Freddie Kruger’s face, takes after his big sister and pretty much only cries if he’s shat himself or needs to eat.

Also, he sleeps like 6 hours straight through the night already.

Sorry if it sounds like I’m bragging. I have to concentrate on the positives since Mr. Bee and I have decided that if I had lived a century ago, I probably would’ve died in childbirth.

Both times.

Needless to say, this precious little squirt is the last thing to inhabit my womb.

Ever.

Please disregard my dirty hair, no makeup, and general hot mess-ness.

Please disregard my dirty hair, no makeup, and general hot mess-ness.

The End.

Song title: The Birth of… by Imperia

15 Responses to “The Birth of… (Part Four)”

  1. Kassia September 10, 2010 at 6:00 am #

    I so should not have been eating an egg mcmuffin while I read this. You have such a way with words…
    At least he’s adorable. Would have sucked to go through all that for a fugly baby. But you wouldn’t know he was fugly because the parents never realize how odd their own kids are. But we would. But we wouldn’t tell you. But really, he’s not fugly, he’s really cute!

  2. Betts September 10, 2010 at 7:55 am #

    Oh, I had tosscookie-itis for a hours and hours after my c-section too. I didn’t eat for something like 36 hours. I think it was because of all the organ juggling they do while they’re in there. And my husband not only stood and watched the birth, but he took pics. It’s kind of fascinating to see photos of my sides. The little bug is adorable. You make them so well, are you SURE you’re done?

  3. Midori September 10, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    Aaagh! You also sprouted an extra finger with palsy hand? Eeek! Adorable, adorable little man, though. Congratulations to all!

  4. Pearl Wisdom September 10, 2010 at 9:39 am #

    I think you look fabulous for just recently being disemboweled.

    Bug is totally adorable and worth every stitch I am sure! I will say that having two is more fun than a barrel of monkeys. In fact, it is exactly like having a barrel of monkeys. On crack.

  5. Erin September 10, 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    You DO look incredible! I wish I looked that good on a regular day, never mind in the hospital!

  6. Denise September 10, 2010 at 3:18 pm #

    Wow…I have to say that the reference to the women who were attacked by acid is wayyyy over the line. Not ok and not funny in *any* way, shape, or form.

    • Mama Bee September 10, 2010 at 4:08 pm #

      Sadly, Denise, my entire backside actually looked like it had acid poured on it! It was the only reference I could think of. I was pretty miserable those first couple weeks!!

  7. Syd September 10, 2010 at 3:30 pm #

    I puked during my c-section too. Oh and the mesh panties. I thought “meh” at first, then took some home with me from the hospital. Whoa comfy.

  8. Arla-Shay September 10, 2010 at 6:31 pm #

    Ha! You did grow an extra finger. That’s impressive. Is it still there? And come on, Denise, acid jokes are hilarious. That’s what bitches get for being pretty, right???

  9. Anonymous September 11, 2010 at 1:35 pm #

    Oh, Denise, I’m so sorry that someone has been holding a gun to your head making you read this blog. That’s really sad.
    Maybe now I’ll passively aggressively post something on a social website now….

  10. Rachael September 12, 2010 at 12:36 am #

    What a beautiful family! Congratulations again!

  11. Jaci September 14, 2010 at 7:41 pm #

    I. LOVE. YOU.

    Your birth stories have had me snorting quietly at my desk at work, and now snorting at home while Kevin is like, “What’s so funny?” and I’m like, “Oh, gawd, go away. You’re not going to get it. And get me some iced tea.”

  12. Amanda @ My Everday September 14, 2010 at 8:06 pm #

    Though I’m sure it wasn’t at the time, this story is at the moment, hands down… funniest. story. ever.

  13. Grace September 15, 2010 at 2:22 pm #

    Great story!!! I enjoyed all 4 parts. I couldn’t get my husband to look over the curtain either with my first c-section, but our Anesthesiologist took some pictures. Which are cute and creepy.

  14. Arla-Shay January 15, 2011 at 8:03 pm #

    For the record, my “pretty bitches should get acid in the face ” comment was a joke. I mean, have you seen how pretty I am? I’d be target número uno!

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