Okay, I know, the one episode recap it takes all week TWO WEEKS to write is the finale, right?! But since it’s been OVER 100 degrees outside (and around 90 degrees inside my house) and now back down in the 60’s, I feel like I’ve got a little bit of an excuse (either heat exhaustion or just pure laziness), right?

Alright, there’s no excuse.

But today I will recap the “most emotional season finale in Bachelorette history.”

At some point they are going to run out of “most”s right?

The most dramatic…

The most emotional…

The most pornographic…

Check, check and check.

The finale, thank god, started off fairly quickly (albeit after the initial “contemplating stare” from Jillian for the first five minutes) and Jillian was quickly meeting Ed and taking him off to introduce him to her family.

Now, it’s no surprise that I am totally on Team Ed.

Despite (or maybe even because of) his erectile issues.

I was a little apprehensive when it appeared that Ed brought bales of hay (which later turned out to be hula skirts and coconut bras – thank god?) or something to meet the future in-laws, but his ability to completely woo Jillian’s parents wiped away any doubt.

In fact, I think the only thing that Jillian needed to worry about with Ed and her family is the possibility that her muu-muu Mama and sexy cousin might try to steal him away! I know I would’ve!

Mama Harris, after her 76 question list for Jason Mesnick, starts drilling Ed with her 66 question list. I know I’m biased but Ed totally nailed it! He didn’t seem to stumble on a single question and I’m guessing the fact that Mama Harris would totally jump his bones right then and there probably helped.

After nailing Jillian’s mom(‘s questions), Ed tackles her Dad’s interrogation by once again declaring his love for Jillian and…be still my heart…formally asking for her dad’s permission to marry Jill. *sigh*

Honestly, I was a bit surprised when Mr. Harris gave his permission because once they donned those grass skirts for a little hula dancing, I was/am 100% positive that Jillian’s dad wants to get in to Ed’s pants too. It practically turned in to a gay nightclub with Jill’s dad grinding up against Ed’s junk. All they needed was a bit of Lady GaGa on the stereo and they would’ve been set.

After Ed’s home run of a family visit, Kiptyn joined Jillian to meet the folks. I think Kip’s best bet is to try not to bore the family to sleep while talking. **yawn**

We kind of get the same family dynamic with Jillian’s family for Kip and we did with Ed (although the family seems less interested in getting in to Kiptyn’s pants. Well, you know, except Jillian). When Mama Harris begins her interrogation, I started to realize what easy questions they were:

Q: Do you want to have children? Okay so this one is SLIGHTLY acceptable as a question, but it’s not like he’s going to say, “None. Children are evil. Fuck ‘em.”

Q: How important do you feel communication is in a relationship? Really? That’s the best you could come up with?! I was hoping he’d respond with, “I totally overrated. In fact, I’m going to stop talking to you right now.” {silent treatment}

Q: How do you visualize your relationship in 3-4 years. I would’ve paid good money to hear: “Well, given the rates of survival of Bachelor/ette couples, I would imagine I’ll be married, maybe starting a family, but definitely not with Jillian. Let’s be realistic.”

Even though the family seems to lean toward Kiptyn, Dad was definitely not won over by his “I think I’m getting there…” response to the love question. Epic fail, Kiptyn! Don’t you realize that everyone is supposed to lie during job interviews?

After making out with Jillian for a while (really loudly, I might add), Kiptyn finally ends his family visit. Thank god, because I was practically falling asleep during all that Kip Screen Time.

Jillian has a family pow wow where, surprisingly, the majority of the family is pro-Kiptyn, while Dad still wants to do Ed. Jill is still “so confused” as per ABC contract, I’m sure. Part of me doesn’t believe that she doesn’t clearly like one man more than the other. Do you think the confusion was genuine?

On the final date with Jillian, the first thing that any viewer who isn’t blind would notice is Ed’s absolute lack of fashion sense. Which, of course, I find totally endearing!

Oh and look. ANOTHER helicopter.

Really, though? Is that the main transportation on the Bachelor/ette now?

Thankfully, Ed quickly makes up for the tee-shirt/gingham shirt combo by donning the infamous Mankini again! I don’t care what anybody says, that Mankini is hot. HAWT.

After an afternoon of sucking face in a swimming hole, the two lovebirds once again head towards the fantasy suite (cue porn music and erupting volcano).

No shit, people, I actually called the volcano eruption while watching the episode with friends.

Well, actually I thought there would be a montage of the erupting volcanoes, trains entering tunnels, you get the idea.

But we all pretty much lost our shit when ABC stooped so low as to actually show an erupting volcano during what we can only imagine was Ed “sealing the deal”.

With that said, way to go Ed! ::fist bump::

After that hot date, Kiptyn is quick to pull up with Sloppy Seconds, uh, I mean, Jillian, for their last date before the final rose ceremony.

Jillian arrived via non-helicopter, which must have unnerved everyone involved, and the two sped across the ocean to a deserted beach picnic. Hours later, Jillian arrives to Kiptyn’s hotel room to have the last heart-to-heart (aka: Jillian drunkenly attempts to maintain eye contact throughout an hour-long diatribe from Kiptyn about, well, fuck if I know. I tuned that shit out when I realized that he wouldn’t be stopping any time soon).

After Kip’s verbal diarrhea, the two retreat to the bedroom, where Kiptyn snuggles up close to Jillian while maintaining a deathgrip on his glass of wine. Seriously dude. If you’re going in for the “volcano” action, you might want to put the glass down (even though we know that wine is Jillian’s one and only true love).

Cue waves lapping on shore instead of volcano eruption. Meow meow.

Finally, sweet baby Jesus, FINALLY, it has come to the finale day. Which, of course, comes chock full of “contemplative stares” montages.

While Jillian begins the day with a walk on the beach and pro/con lists, the boys visit a jeweler to pick out FUCKING RIDICULOUS RINGS. We’re talking 3 total carat weight diamond rings, people. *sigh* I’m pretty sure that the gigantic diamond you get at the end of the show is worth putting up with Wes, right? I mean, did you see those diamonds?!

::Montage of contestants getting dressed.:: (yawn)

As Jillian waits on her recently washed down dock overlooking the scenic Hawaiian backdrop, we watch with anticipation to see who is going to be the first to arrive (and usually the Bachelor to be rejected)…

And it’s KIPTYN!!

As he begins his boring verbal incontinence with a recap of this season of Bachelorette, you can already tell that Jillian is giving him nonverbal clues that he is not the one. But somehow, it’s not until she begins to respond to his declaration of love that the realization starts to creep in to Kiptyn’s face that he’s not the one for Jillian. When Jillian lets him know that she’s fallen for Ed, Kip is nothing but a gentleman and wishes her all the best.

I, personally, don’t understand how the men do it. It seems like they really have this insane ability to swallow their pain and internalize it until in the confines of the limousine. How they don’t scream “What’s your problem, biznatch?!” is beyond me.

But back on the again wet-down dock, Jillian prepares for her moment of joy with Ed…

But wait.

Why is there a junky mini van taxi pulling up?!

Emerging from the taxi is known other than Reid (shock! Well, no, not really, since they pretty much already spelled it out to us on the preview for this episode the week before). If there was ever a question of Reid’s immaturity, I think it was cleared up by his wardrobe on the finale episode, because, really Reid? You are surprising your unrequited love in sneakers and no tie? Really?!

Jillian’s reaction, while heartfelt, must have been a combination of shock and a big helping of What the Fuck, which only gets worse when Reid confesses his love for her. And, of course, imagine what went through her mind when he gets down on one knee and pulls out the ring?! (Well, I’m sure she was thinking, “is that the ring? I can’t see it, it’s so small!” Oh wait, nope. That’s what I was thinking.)

After the obligatory cries-and-contemplates-the-options-with-Chris-Harrison-PhD montage, Jillian joins Reid down the YET AGAIN watered down dock (seriously, those workers must be getting irritated! I could just imagine them standing on the sidelines mumbling, “Just pick a guy already, lady. I’m getting tired of watering down this god damn dock for every scene!”). Jillian makes the decision to send Reid packing again, which sucks for him, but really, tennis shoes? They did you in, man.

So finally, after countless rose ceremonies and an hour and fifty-five minutes in to a long-ass two-hour finale, Jillian finally picks Ed to get the final rose!

As Ed approached a freshly makeup’d Jillian, you could immediately see the love in both their faces. After declaring all the reasons that Ed is in love with Jillian, he pulls a first in Bachelorette history: instead of jumping the gun and proposing right away, he first asks Jillian is she loves him back!

After a wait-for-dramatic-effect pause, Jillian declares her undying love for Mankini. Down on one knee, Ed proposed to Jillian and they lived happily ever after.

Well, at least for a few months anyways…

I’ll be working on my Bachelorette Finale Recap first thing in the morning, but until then, what did you think of Jillian’s final choice, my lovely Interwebs?

Were you Team Ed, Team Kiptyn or Team Reid?

To be fair to ABC, I’m pretty sure that was the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!

Song title: My Pick by Acid Drinkers

This week’s special episode of the Bachelorette was the Men Tell All. Or should I say, the most dramatic and controversial Men Tell All EVAR.

Nope. I shouldn’t say that. Mostly, because it was as boring as fuck.

First of all, why was Jillian not in-studio the whole time? And couldn’t have some wardrobe person have fixed her dress when she was “casually chatting” with Chris Harrison in the closed studio so that every time she leaned forward, you didn’t see her microphone pack. Which, by the way, made her look like she was wearing some ridiculously large bra from the Dress Barn or something.

Since this was the most boring Men Tell All by far (Wes wasn’t even there!? WTF!! Then why would I even watch?!?!), I’ve boiled down the two. painful. hours. in to a few interesting points we learned about our Bachelorette and the lovely (read: creepy and hostile) Bachelors.

“There’s gonna be some woman out there with incredible feet who will make him very happy.”
Oh, Tanner P. I have to say that I do genuinely feel bad for the other Tanner always being asked if he was the creepy foot molester. I don’t care what any one says, Tanner P. is a little off. And then we find out that Jillian knew about the foot fetish thing almost immediately and didn’t care that he want to suck, tweeze, pluck, rub, make babies with her feet the whole time. Ew.

“You’re tit’s hanging out…you know what I’m saying?”
I would’ve hoped that watching himself on the show and having a few months to chill out would have made David a little bit less of a sexual predator/anger management candidate, but, yeah, not so much. Somehow, he was still delusional enough to (1) not think that he had been disrespectful to Jillian and (2) that Jillian put out signals and then retracted them. And let’s not even get in to the whole man code jumble fuck. His best quote of the night, though, was definitely, “I wouldn’t say groping. I pulled her shirt up. That’s not really groping…” Riiiiiight.

“This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”
Too bad things weren’t “harder” for you in Hawaii, Ed, if you catch my drift. Sorry, buddy, you just make it too easy for me. But how hilarious was it to see Ed totally wasted? He’s still my favorite, ESPECIALLY after Jillian asked him that big long question and Drunken Ed replied, slurring, “That’s a lot of words that you just threw out me, by the way…”

“This is a little unstable…”
Let’s hope your life in more stable that your little giraffe legs, Kiptyn. But all jokes aside, if Jake is considered perfect then what the heck is Kiptyn?! His foundation to help disadvantaged kids? Shut up. But still, I think a little too goody good and robotic. What can I say, I’m obviously on Team Ed.

” “
Wes
The viewers got to see the red flags. And the Bachelors. “Pulled the wool over my eyes.”

“It was awful, I mean, we needed to stop immediately.”
Are you sure Jillian was talking about Reid and not Ed? (rim shot). Surprise, surprise, Jillian declared that she had been falling in love with Reid and was not ready to let Reid go.

Oh, and Reid “shockingly” was not at the Men Tell All special. He’s totally gonna be coming back next week. I’ve looked in to my 8 ball and it read “really fucking likely”. Obviously, his “prior engagement” could very well be an engagement to Jillian (bum bum BUM!! The DRAMA!!)

“Some country singing turd in out on the rooftop”
Pretty much all the men, and all the woman in the audience (what a taco fest, right?), agree that Wes is King of All Douche Bags. And what a pussy to not even show his face at the Special.

“If it walks like a snake and it talks like a snake, chances are it’s not the kind of guy that most women would want to date.”
Okay, seriously, was that audience member totally hammered, or what? But I digress.

It absolutely blows me away that the men are in consensus about whether or not Tanner P. should’ve told Jillian about Wes’ secret. Even though everyone but Jillian knew that Wes was there to promote his record from Day One. Men are lame, y’all.

And speaking of all the men being retarded, why does everyone hate Jake so much? And what’s wrong with being square (cough cough)?! They say he “pulled a Mesnick” (crying over a hotel balcony) and Sasha, who apparently is a total asshole, goes off calling him an actor and basically a robot. Dancebreaker dude is the only one that stands up to everyone saying that Jake would never say a bad word about anyone else. Well, except to Sasha, who Jake promptly tells to go fuck off.

“He meant to hit me, but not that hard.”
From the funny moments montage, which had me in tears, we learned a few things:
- The guys really liked to be naked (in the Mini Cooper, in the pool, in each other’s beds…okay, I threw that last one in the there.)
- They were all drunk 99% of the time (don’t forget Jillian, ABC. But her drunkenness was pretty obvious.)
- Mike hitting Jillian square in the head with a snowball and knocking her over (don’t we all wish we had that opportunity?)
- The train missing it’s stop after Robbie, who apparently was a raging alcoholic during the show, was Auf’d by Jillian, making the next hour that it took for the train to get in to position extremely awkward.
- Juan is a “cheese ass”.
- Ed is hilarious and had a tendency to fart during rose ceremonies (I won’t lie. I liked him even MORE after that.)
- Jillian likes pepperoni. No, she REALLY likes pepperoni. Like so much that maybe Ed should bring some in the bedroom next time around…

”If people have to point their finger at me and it caused happiness in the end, I’ll take the blame.”
Douche bag alert!! Jason’s back! And apparently is constipated. And high. And drunk. Close your mouth, for Christ’s sake, Jason. You look handicapped!

Could you handle his “Wah wah. I’m super awesome because I caused all this happiness,” bullshit? Super barf.

Next week, Jillian’s mental unstable mom rips the boys new assholes with her gigantic list of questions. This, hopefully, will be legen…wait for it…I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the next bit is…DARY!

Oh, and, shocker (yawn) Reid is going to surprise Jillian in Hawaii. Come on, ABC. Duh.

As we all sit and wait impatiently to find out which Bachelor needs to get a prescription for Viagra, we first are subjected to Jillian’s unique insights regarding the final three men (as she write J + ? in the sand, of course – gag). And frolics in the sand and surf (double gag).

“I honestly feel like I’m going to puke right now.”
On Jillian’s first date in Hawaii, she tortures Kiptyn with a rope obstacle course thingy. Like three stories in the air.

As if repelling down a skyscraper and acting in a spaghetti Western weren’t bad enough, if any date of mine brought me to this extreme torture device, I’d be all “Um, no. kthnxbei.”

Jillian and Kiptyn, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy themselves. Weirdos.

The final stunt was to climb a tall ass pole and jump from the top in an attempt to catch a trapeze bar.

It seems like Jillian’s goal with this date was to determine whether or not she trusts Kiptyn. As far as I can tell, the result is a resounding, “yes” as Kiptyn both had a tremendous amount of fun (wasn’t the total ice queen she thought he was) and was really supportive and encouraging when Jillian struggled to reach the top of his her pole.

Later, over wine (OF COURSE), they get another opportunity to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite. “Jillian is falling for Kiptyn, but is she ready to give him her all?”

And by “all” we mean “vagina”.

And yes, America, she is. Willing to give him her vagina, that is.

“When I look at him and imagine him standing there at the altar waiting for me, he is somebody that I can easily picture standing there waiting for me to walk down the aisle. Easily.”
Well, we never said that she was the most eloquent Bachelorette… And seriously, doesn’t Jillian look completely hammered when she does her little “confessional” time with the camera?! It’s amazing that she hasn’t passed out during one yet.

On Jillian’s date with Reid, even though he wanted to simply suck face with her under the palm trees (so much for getting to know each other, well, unless he means in the biblical sense?), Jillian took him on a helicopter tour of Maui.

During their picnic lunch after the helicopter ride, Jillian questions Reid about his hesitation about marriage. Obviously Jillian wants a marriage proposal out of this whole process, but Reid, to her dismay, is actually “normal” and feels like the show just moves things really fast, faster than he would like.

Well, that and he’s emotional retarded. Or a four year old. Whichever is less mature, I suppose.

At dinner, Jillian continues to hammer the marriage/proposal issue home and Reid finally admits to being indecisive. Not exactly what a “girlfriend” (and I’ll use the term VERY loosely to describe any relationship on this show) wants to hear.

But my guess is that Reid is not going to be indecisive when it comes to getting laid. And shocker, they spend the night together! Reid promises to answer all her questions in the Fantasy Suite, but I’m guessing that will be a bit difficult with his tongue down her throat…

The night ends with Jillian and her glass of wine taking a bath. Oh, and I think Reid was in there, too. Although, I’m pretty sure that the wine glass was Jill’s first priority!

”I don’t want to be away from him for more than a second.”
Jillian and Ed start their date on a huge catamaran named Trilogy (punny, ABC!). During a short break from making out on the boat, Jillian admits (for the umpteenth time) that she really is disappointed that she didn’t get to meet Ed’s (I mean, Richie’s) family.

After a quick dip, Ed surprises Jillian by flying his parents to Maui to meet her. Her reaction alone was priceless! While Kiptyn and her definitely are a good match, it seems so clear to me that she feels way more for Ed than either of the other two.

Back at the hotel, Jillian meets Judy and Rick, Ed’s folks. On first sight, they seem, well, just normal. You could tell Jillian was totally nervous because, uh, verbal diarrhea much?

And I LOVE Ed’s dad: “What the hell are we doing here? What is going on?!” He is obviously concerned for Ed (but mostly Ed’s job, I guess). Once Rick heard that Ed wants to propose to Jillian if he is the last man standing, a smile spread across his face and he seemed much more in to the process.

After an easy-peasy conversation with Mom, Dad begins his conversation with Jillian as a lion and quickly morphs in to a weeping teddy bear wishing the best for Ed and Jillian. He started so abrasively that I thought he would make Jillian cry at some point, but was totally disappointed when he dropped the act quickly and just turned in to a big ball of mush!

In order to have some “intimate, cozy, sexy time”, Jillian and Ed quickly accept Chris’ invitation to stay in the Fantasy Suite.

Anyone else think that it’s kind of creepy that our beloved host, Chris Harrison, personally invites them to get in on in the suite later?

Instead of going through the pretense of dinner, Ed just meets Jillian at the Fantasy Suite and prepares to spill his heart (and more – ew, I just grossed myself out!) to Jillian.

Ed declared to Jillian that he was falling in love with her and literally swept her off her feet to the bedroom. In a change up from the other men, the cameras actually stayed around to capture their intimate, how do I say this, foreplay? And when/how do Jillian and Ed say to the camera men, “Uh, yeah, so we’re gonna have sex now if you’d like to leave?”

Except…

They didn’t have sex.

What the what?!

Oh, Ed. Sweet, hawt Ed. We’d not have sex with you in a heartbeat!!

”What does that mean, exactly?”
After a ridiculously long and painful recap of EVERYTHING.THAT.WE.JUST.WATCHED, Chris gives Jillian time to watch videos from each Bachelor, made just for her.

Kiptyn’s video, while starting with a city by city recount of their travels (boring!), seemed genuine and hopeful. Like Reid and unlike Ed, Kiptyn says that he “could see himself falling in love” with her. Hmmm, not too convincing…

Reid’s video begins, duh, with how amazing their sexy time was in the Fantasy Suite. He wasn’t terribly convincing regarding his feelings and we are reminded, once again, that he is emotionally retarded (or at least incapable of vocalizing said emotions).

Ed’s video was the only one that felt extremely heartfelt and, WHAMMY!! He not only said that he wants the opportunity to propose to her, but said “it”. “I LOVE YOU!”

HOLY FUCK BALLS!!

Way to go, Ed!!

At the “most emotional rose ceremony yet” (won’t someone eventually have an emotional break down during the rose ceremony since they all get progressively more and more “dramatic and emotional”?), Jillian breaks from tradition (but really, she does this every week, so it would be weird if she DIDN’T do something surprising) and asks to have a minute with Ed before her decision.

Basically Jillian asks Ed, “What the fuck happened the other night?” and Ed was all “uh, bitch, you are sleeping with two other guys and there were cameras in the room. Buzzkill, much?” But, you know, in a sweet, I love you, way.

Keeping us on the edge of our recliners for two seconds, Jillian gives the first rose to Kiptyn. And our final rose, the man who will be going to the finale and (hopefully) proposing, is…

ED!!

Poor Reid. Goodbye sweet, verbally-constipated friend.

Goddammit, why do I always get sucked in to this show thinking that the people will fall in love and live happily ever after? I swore this time, with Wes the King of all Douche Bags, that I was simply along for the ride, to rubberneck at the train wreck before me.

But now I’m emotionally involved!! Now I want Ed to “win”. I want them to get engaged, let me plan their wedding and have cute little babies with perfect hair.

God damn this show.

After about 15 minutes of “I can’t believe I’m in Spain” bull shit, we finally get to delve in to the FINAL FOUR BACHELORS on The Bachelorette! Squeee!

Because traveling to Spain is what everyone does on their fifth date (right?), ABC sent the four remaining losers, uh, I mean, bachelors to meet Jillian in Espana. Her first date with Kiptyn started off a little rocky…

”I’m definitely surprised how strongly I feel about Jillian right now.”
Jillian began her date with Kiptyn hoping that he would open up with his feelings for her. Surprisingly, Kiptyn is actually realistic and told Jillian that a proposal would be a long way off. Jillian rebounded well from that disclosure and I think she had a bit of a wake up call that, yeah, normal folks don’t get engaged after 4 weeks of dating (or four seconds after they become exclusive).

In order to take their relationship to the next level, the producers painted some pants on to Kiptyn’s junk and forced the pair to dance the Flamengo. The Flamenco? Eh, some sexy Antonio Banderas dance.

Once the sun set, the couple hopped on a scooter and gracefully drove to a nearby restaurant.

Who are we kidding? Kiptyn practically drove through the front of the restaurant like an 80-year who is having a heart attack behind the wheel.

After choking down some escargot (you can take the girl out of Canada but not the Canada out of the girl, I guess), Jillian grilled Kiptyn on kids, relationship/personality faults, etc. Honestly, both of them keep talking about the energy and passion between the two of them and all I see during their date is “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn”.

Maybe some of the yawn will go away after they get the invitation for the Super Sexy Fantasy Suite…

Or not.

Who would have thought that our resident Drunky McDrinks A Lot (her other alias is Slurpy McHotTubSex) would turn down the Fantasy Suite with Kiptyn?! Of course, after a few more glasses/bottles of wine, she does take Kiptyn back to the suite for some dry humping, but ends up kicking him out before things go too far.

Boooooooooooooooooooring.

Side note: Anyone catch that commercial for Dating in the Dark? Drama!! Lurvs it!

”Hola, mi amor.
Jillian’s plan for her date with Reid is bread, cheese, wine and making out in the park. Sounds like Jillian to me. Well, maybe if wine was listed twice.

Reid and Jillian sufficiently filled all of Europe’s stereotypes of the stupid, non-anything-but-English-speaking Americans, but they seemed to really hit it off and have a great time. While chatting at the park, Jillian admits that none of the families were very crazy (i.e. no one made her bury a dead dove or anything). Reid makes a heartfelt attempt at opening up, which is obviously very difficult for him to do. Except for when it comes to opening his mouth and putting his tongue in Jill’s mouth. He seems pretty good at that.

That evening, over dinner, Jillian requests that Reid put a little more detail in to why he thinks they are so good together or would be good together. Acknowledging his slowness in relationships, Reid expresses to Jill that he’s worried that one of the other Bachelors will pretty much tell her that they love her and she’ll pick one of them instead.

After getting her ego boost from Reid, the couple got another Fantasy Suite invitation…

Jillian continues her “get to know you instead of humping you” response to the Fantasy Suite invitation to Reid’s obvious dismay. With that said, Reid thinks that her position is for the best (even though he obviously want to get laid).

”You’re my favorite part about Spain.“
This is Jillian’s first date with Ed since his return to the show. Obviously, she’s worried about getting her heart broken again and all the time that was lost while he was gone.

During a horse-drawn carriage ride through Seville, Jillian somewhat confronts Ed regarding the decision he made to come back, etc.

And then they made out a little.

Nay, a LOT.

*sigh* I ::heart:: Ed.

Side note: how have we not seen an outbreak of Bachelor/ette Herpes yet?

After wiping the drool of their chins, Ed and Jillian go out for a night on the town. Ed is reasonably worried that Jillian has lost some trust in him and I’m really interested to see how he plans to regain her trust.

Side note #815: Wasn’t Ed only gone for like one episode?! I’m sure that was maybe a week, but really, did he miss THAT much?

Once again, Jillian turns down the Fantasy Suite, but really rubs in the whole “I don’t want to get hurt again, you asshole” thing.
But, of course, Jillian couldn’t pass up hanging out with Ed in the Fantasy Suite and they make the decision to stay the night together FULLY DRESSED.

El sigh-o.

“I’m a totally douchebag/asshole. Can’t you tell?”
Oh, did Wes not actually say that? My bad.

Jillian and Wes hang out in Barcelona and things are immediately aaaaaaaaaaaawkward. Jesus, Wes doesn’t even seem to be TRYING to convince Jillian that he likes her at this point.

In fact, one of the first things he does is insult her cross-country skiing skills. Seriously, how do the producers resist the urge to simultaneously vomit in their mouths and punch him in the face when surrounded by him?

I love Jillian’s “Oh, wow! Let’s look at this cool gazebo thingy!” and then POOF! There is a whole blanket picnic set up for them inside. What a wacky coincidence!! Evomit.

But thank the little baby Jesus that Jillian finally seems to realize that Wes is full of shit. She has already noticed his lack of affection and during their picnic date, Wes is sitting pretty much in Madrid.

But I think the best part of the picnic was when Jillian asked, “What if I said, Wes, I think that you’re the one and I want to make this work, how are we going to do it?”

Wes’ response: “That bird has no foot. Gawd, what’s wrong with it?”

A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

At a long, drawn out, dinner, Wes attempts to make excuses for why he is unaffectionate. Basically it boiled down to him saying that he is Numero Uno and is the most important in the whole situation.

When asked about his (ex)girlfriend, Wes says that they “broke up due to their differences”. Yeah. Right.

Finally. Painfully. Jillian gets the picture.

Wes is a total d-bag.

Then, hilariously, the Fantasy Suite invitation is delivered.

Wes, being the total fucker that he is, suggested that they take the suite together.

Luckily, Jillian basically tells him to fuck off.

FINALLY!!!

What’s disgusting is how pleased with himself Wes looks that he’s gotten this far. I really hope she lays in to him during the Rose Ceremony.

No “The last rose…”?
Did anyone but me cry a single tear for the absence of our beloved host, Chris Harrison? The Rose Ceremony just wasn’t the same without the long, drawn-out interview with Jillian about which dude she should Auf. And after she awarded Ed and Reid roses, well, I didn’t have a single clue how many roses where left!!

But I digress.

Thankfully, this RC was short and sweet. Basically, Wes, you are a douche but I’m going to pretend to be more mature than you and not go off. Which, really? Boring! I was really hoping that Jillian would put one of her fancy designer boots where the sun don’t shine on Wes.

But the most important thing is that now I can recommence my ignorant “this will be a dream come true romance with a proposal and they’ll live happily ever after and have little Bachelor/ette babies and grow old together until one evening, at sunset, they will both pass together holding hands while rocking in their rocking chairs on the porch” fantasy.

What? It could happen.

Right?

This week, the Bachelors finally get to shrug off the heavy weight of that maple leaf flag and head on back to the States.

Pennsylvania Powwows
Jillian, donned in her Bachelorette Trademarked skinny jeans and boots, first visits Reid’s hometown of Philadelphia, PA. Is it just me or did Jillian seem drunk before she even started the date with Reid? At this point, Reid must know her well enough to make sure her latte is part coffee, part vodka.

After spending a few minutes in the city, we not-so-slickly sweep in to the ‘burbs to meet Mom, Dad, and two Brothers. Immediately everyone sits down for the we’re-going-to-pretend-this-is-normal-but-its-actually-really-uncomfortable couch chat. I love the low pressure “You can work for us and have babies immediately” strategy of Reid’s mom. Hmmm…coming on a little strong, Rhonda.

After a heart-to-heart talk with Reid’s father, I’ve completely convinced that 50-something year old Larry should be next season’s The Bachelor. No offense, Rhonda, but I am completely smitten with his “Follow your heart and jump head over heels” speech.

Apparently Reid’s stone-cold façade has been broken by Jillian’s obsession with PDA. I’m not sure if Reid’s family was impressed or just wanting him to put in back in his pants in front of Ma Maw.

Astoria Animation
Our resident Jack Russell Terrier Puppy, Michael, brings Jillian home to Astoria, NY, to meet his Mom, Dad & Twin Brother. Immediately, you can tell that hyperactivity and/or an addiction to Pixie Sticks is a family trait with every single member of the family bouncing off the walls.

Michael and his brother decide to pull a Parent Trap on Jillian and pose as his brother in order to get some questions answer without her knowing. It took Jillian literally 0.5 seconds to tell that Michael is dressed as his brother, thwarting their diabolical plan. Damn, that could’ve been good!

Michael’s Dad takes the opposite stance of Our Newest Bachelor, Larry, by warning Michael that it’s going to be rough if he doesn’t get a rose. Way to be upbeat, Dad.

While Jillian answers some typical interview questions (“What are your biggest weaknesses?” “Well I love way too much and am sometimes too wonderful…”), in comes Michael’s Sister from Australia. Michael, and the whole family, responds by jumping up and down eight million times. Seriously, is their floor built out of trampolines or something?

San Diego Self-doubt
Jillian, while meeting Kiptyn’s Mom, Dad, Stepdad, Sister, Brother and Brother’s Girlfriend, immediately begins to worry that she might not fit in to this ridiculously perfect and opulent family. Especially since they roped off the only place where Jillian feels totally comfortable: the hot tub.

Mom & Dad begin the evening by quizzing Jillian’s ability to distinguish lasagnas and wine. While talking French, of course.

Oy vey.

Kiptyn’s Mom, I’ve gotta be honest here, could possibly be bat-shit crazy. Or drunk. So hopefully the latter since then she’d get along perfectly with our Drunk-aholic Jillian. Eve told Jillian that she has to be special to be where she is…obviously she didn’t see last season Douche. Sadly, I think Jillian is more quickly devolving in to douche-baggery than Jason even did.

Carmel Courtship
I will go out on a limb and say that visiting Jessie’s Family’s Winery will be Jillian’s favorite trip of the season. While traveling across the winery by tractor, you can almost here Jillian wondering “where the fuck is the wine, Jessie?!”

Before the wine, Jillian gets to meet Mom, Dad, and Jessie’s Brother, who apparently is Billy Ray Cyrus. Well, if you doubled, maybe tripled, the asshat-ness. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Jessie’s Brother?! How could nice, sweet Jessie be related to such a jackass like him?

And as if the foreign language speaking wasn’t enough, then the family begins a jam session in the basement. Really, though? I guess the family who plays together, stays (douchebags) together.

Austin’s Asshat
Wes, the King of the Douchebags, doesn’t waste a single minute getting airtime for his band.

What. A. Fucking. Asshole.

And the whole time, Jillian is just eating it up thinking that she is so lucky to be dating a wonderful man like Wes.

Meanwhile, our beloved beauty, Jake, has decided to visit Austin in order to protect Jillian from Wes’ manipulations. It’s about fucking time someone stood up for Jillian’s best interests.

Wes and Jillian have a heart to heart where Wes confesses that he is there for the right reason and is a very bad liar. Well, he got one of those correct. Jillian must be pretty hard up for Wes because that was some of the worst lying I’ve ever seen. And I went to law school, for Christ’s sake.

While Jillian waits for Wes to pick her up, knock knock knock! Who’s there? Jake!!!

After five minutes of teeth-pulling, Jake breaks the news to Jillian that Wes does indeed have a girlfriend.

Obviously, Jillian is crushed and says good bye to Jake in time for Wes to come knocking on her door, wanting to take her to meet his family.

As one would guess, Wes immediately denies the accusations (I even typed this sentence before watching that scene because I just *knew* he would pull that shit). Even better, Wes pretty much weaves the exact story that Jake told Jillian he would.

For ratings the truth, Jillian calls Jake down to confront Wes in person. My fists clenched just hearing some complete asshole like Wes call someone like Jake “a man of character” with sarcasm. What. An. AAAAAAAAAAAsshole.

I will give Wes one thing: he is stubborn as hell. Oh, and I’m pretty sure he might be a sociopath.

And I can’t even believe how stupid and insecure Jillian must be to not kick him to the curb IMMEDIATELY. Any respect that I still had for the alcoholic koala bear is gone. Gooooone.

The Bachelorette has officially gone from The Dating Game to The Hills.

Jillian, instead of telling Wes to fuck off, travels to meet Wes’ Mom, Stepmom, and three Sisters.

Beverly Hills Bewilderment
As if Austin didn’t hold enough surprises for us, as Jillian sits around her LA Hotel, pondering the last week’s events, knock knock knock!

It’s Ed!

*sigh* Ed. *sigh*

Man, he’s a doll! All I can say is that Jillian looked as smitten with Ed as I felt watching that scene. Will she just cut all the other guys and marry Ed already?! Jesus.

Instead of doing him on the spot (what is *wrong* with this chick?!), Jill requests that Ed attend tonight’s rose ceremony so she can ponder her upcoming decision.

Rose Ceremony Ruling
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

After all that drama and crying and “fool me once, shame on you” bullshit, Jillian is keeping Wes around for another week?!

I’m thinking instead of diamond ring, the Bachelor at the end should award her with a lifetime of psychologist appointments ’cause this girl has gotten some Issues. Yes, with a capital “I”.

So our pesky little puppy Michael and that other guy, Jesse, are Auf’d this week.

I have to admit, with about a gallon of shame, that I did tear up when Michael discussed how he had been falling in love with her and hadn’t even realized it until after she gave him the boot (literally. She probably had those goddamn boots on under her evening gown).

But overall, thank GAWD that Ed is back. He might be the one redeeming aspect of this season. Lord knows, I certainly have a tv crush on him.

Since I missed a recap of last week’s episode, we’ll start this week with a quick rundown of last week’s events:

We started with 10 guys left in Whistler persuing our cute little Canadian koala bear.

Seriously, though. Doesn’t Jillian look like a koala bear?! It’s kind of creepy.

In general, Michael was still acting like a baby Jack Russel Terrier puppy, Jake was still ridiculously good looking, and Jillian continued to drink like a fish.

I mean, really. Did anyone notice that she is getting more and more drunk every episode? Last week, she got really touchy feeley with the guys, danced on a bar (I’m pretty sure that’s the drunk girl mating call) and told one of the Bachelors that “she couldn’t process what he was saying.” Uh, yeah, honey, that’s because you are WASTED. Try some water next time.

The big news from last week was the departure of Ed. Lovely BareNaked Ladies Ed. I guess Ed’s boss gave him some ultimatum and Ed, being sensible, chose to keep his job instead of risking everything on a possible relationship that is doomed to end approximately five seconds after the cameras turn off.

With that said, it still was a bitter ending to Ed’s time on the show*.

As the camera panned over the remaining Bachelors, I wondered “who will be Auf’d next?” Then the camera hit this dude’s face:

To be honest, I had to look up this guy’s name on the Bachelorette website because I had forgotten all about him. As he departed the Whistler estate, Mark told the producers about how his last four girlfriends have cheated on him…at this point, I think the guy is just so forgettable that maybe his girlfriends had just forgotten they were dating him?

This week’s episode opens with Jillian still a bit heartbroken over Ed. To keep her mind off of him, she is taking the remaining Bachelors across British Columbia and Alberta by train. The five Bachelors left after this elimination will take Jillian to their hometowns to meet their families.

Come ride the rails with me in a train car built for two.
Robbie and Jillian begin the first one-on-one date by, what else? Drinking. According to Jillian, Robbie is foot loose, fancy free, and a bartender, which from last week’s episode, we can tell is a plus in Jillian’s book.

Jillian takes Robbie down to her “room”/porno pad after lunch (and a few martinis). It pretty much looks like a 12 year old with a Target credit card decorated it. I mean, a day bed? Really? And how many fake polar bears needed to die to cover that bed with all that white fur. ::pukes in mouth::

After some more drinks, Jillian spills her drunken heart out and tells Robbie basically to call her up in five years because she doesn’t think he’s ready to marry her in a few weeks. Because, you know, that’s a totally realistic expectation.

So poor Robbie was dropped off in the middle of the Canadian wilderness, to surely be eaten alive by bears or maple syrup farmers or something.

Back on the train, Douche Bag Wes runs to Jillian’s rescue and comforts her back in her 1990 porno/teeny bopper train car. Obviously, Jill’s Asshat Meter is not only broken but SEVERLY malfunctioning.

Next stop: Rocky Mountain Romance
Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake, Kiptyn and Jillian follow up her day with Robbie by snowfallingshoeing. Jake got to sneak in a little cuddling when they regressed to toddlerhood played hide and go seek.

Side note: Jesus, Jake is gorgeous. My friends aren’t fans, but I think he is hands-down the most attractive guy there.

After Jake got some one-on-one time in the evening, Jillian sucked some serious face with Kiptyn (but who blames her, really?). Being the night of no boundaries apparently, Tanner proceeds to disrobe in order to show Jillian his underwear. Even though it was blurred by ABC, according to Jillian, Tanner’s package was “huuuge.” That was followed up by Tanner sexually molesting her feet. Seriously, I’m about to throw up in my mouth every single time Tanner begins to talk about her feet. I can not comprehend how anyone likes Tanner. I mean, he seems nice, but insanely creepy at the same time…

During Jesse’s one-on-one time, he confesses to Jillian that he is convinced that his family will 100% fall in love with her. In response, Jill just starts making out with him, but also looks a little like crying, so I don’t know how to read in to that.

While Michael cooks s’mores with Jillian, Tanner admits to the other fellas that he was the one who told Jillian that someone has a girlfriend. I, personally, think that Tanner should have manned up and told Jillian that Wes is a total douche bag. Any guy who has a problem with Tanner coming clean about what he did is totally shady in my mind!

Wes then admits to the boys that he is there for publicity and is fine leaving now with the attention he’s gotten so far or he might just stick around and “try to win the girl” too. What. A. Douche. If looks could kill, I’m pretty sure that Wes’ head would have shattered in to a million pieces.

At the end of the group date, Kiptyn got the rose and is one step closer to Jillian meeting his folks.

The day after the group date, in fear of being Auf’d, Jake had a little one-on-one time to express his love to Jillian. He was so absolutely heartfelt and basically told her that he was falling in love with her. Her reaction was a little reserved for my taste. I fear that Jake might not be staying around, even despite his expression of love.

Hitting the slopes and experiencing Jillian’s “happy place”…
The last one-on-one date went to Reid and the poor guy was just battered on the slopes but earned some points by snowboarding over skiing (something he apparently is very good at). We learned, behind the scenes with the other men, that I guess Reid is super neurotic and annoying. Sounds perfect to me!

After drinking surrounded by ice, the two of them kept the drinking up with a fondue dinner. Maybe it was too much alcohol, but Reid just starts the verbal diarrhea about how cooking raw meat in fondue is gross and on and on about all his neurosis. At one point, he even starts gabbing on about how the girls he has dated in the past have been blonde and “well, different”. Hmmm…digging yourself a hole, buddy.

Thank god, though, that she gave him the rose. The not-a-douche-bag pool of guys keeps getting smaller and smaller, so any normal (albeit wacky) guys need to stick around.

As with EVERY rose ceremony, it’s REALLY HARD (wah wah) on Jillian to eliminate another dude.

But, WAIT! As with EVERY ROSE CEREMONY (now) Jillian pulls some dudes aside to chat before making her decision. She pulled Michael aside to discuss the age difference between them (I don’t understand why there are so many guys that are so much younger than her. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?).

Finally, Jillian gets around to handing out the roses and gives them to Jesse, Wes (oh my god, really?) and Michael. So Tanner and Jake are Auf’d.

Are you serious?! Every episode, Jillian proves to be more delusional than ever. Now, I can’t blame her for cutting Tanner free, but she is definitely smoking some quality crack to let Jake go.

This show is turning in to a train wreck.

And I’m loving every minute of it.

*What did you think about the previews for the rest of the season?

Another week, a couple more hearts to break (including mine if Jillian decides to keep that nut-job/foot sexual predator Tanner around). With thirteen men left, Jillian definitely still has her choice of super hawt and awesome (like Ed and Jake) or the uber douche (like Wes and Juan).

This week, our lovely Bachelorette and her clamoring and stammering Bachelors traveled to Jillian’s “hometown” of Vancouver, B.C. Is it just me or wasn’t she from Alberta last season? Bygones.

For those of you not familiar with Vancouver, it is the Jewel of Canada…that’s that really quiet neighbor to the north of us…you know, the one with the bacon and syrup and stuff? Yeah, that one.

Vancouver is also where pretty much anything that ever says it’s filmed in Seattle has been filmed. Twilight? Yep. Harper’s Island? You betcha. The Real World Seattle? Sorry, that one we *were* blessed with…stupid asshats.

Anywho (sorry Kelcey), on their Vancouver visit, the Bachelors will have one one-on-one date, one group date and one…wait for it…Thunderdome date. That’s right, ladies and gents. Two Bachelors enter (not Jillian, of course. This is a family show…), one Bachelor leaves. Forever.

Bum…Bum…BUUUUM!!!!

Unfortunately, this date won’t be held in a giant steel dome…or will it?

Just a quick side note before getting to the dates, anyone interested in making this season a little more interesting? How about a drinking game where you have to drink every time Jillian pronounced “about” as “a boot”? I was considering every time that she generally mispronounces something, but I’m pretty sure we’d be wasted before we even heard, “Last week, on the Bachelorette…”

Let’s cook up some love, Vancouver style…
Kimptyn, our beloved oil man (yeah buddy), scored the one on one date with Jillian and, thank the ABC Producer Gods, they actually had a normal (albeit Pacific Northwestern-ish) date: kayaking, Farmer’s Market, cooking dinner, and then, of course, sitting fireside surrounding by a million candles…okay, maybe that part is stretching it a little. The only time my significant other lights a candle is in the bathroom. ‘Nuf said.

Did anyone else notice that Kimptyn was SO gonna go for the boob grab when they were making out on the floor! Hysterical! You could SEE him hesitate and put his hand down before he did something he would regret! Classic!!

Who can sweep me off my feet?
On the group date, Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Ed, Michael, Reid, Juan and David got to compete, in more ways than one.

Jillian took them Curling, which apparently is a lot harder than it looks. Who knew shuffleboard on ice could be that competitive?! The boys had to compete to see which team of dudes would get to continue the date in to the evening.

They had a teeth-clenchingly close game (not really, but I wouldn’t know. I was hardly paying attention. I mean, it was Curling, for Christ’s sake.) but apparently someone did well and five of the ten guys got to go on an evening date.

Jillian donned her best Captain Crunch outfit (plus some Mickey Mouse gloves) for a night on a huge yacht.

Okay, producers, help a girl out and please let Jillian know when her WHITE bra is peeking out from her red shirt, will you? That’s pretty much a girl’s nightmare when wearing a shirt like that. My inner (okay, outer) girlie girl/perfectionist was cringing for her every time she had to adjust and readjust her top to make sure nothing was showing.

Excuse me while I adjust my top…my bra was totally popping out of my dress when I typed that. No joke.

Later, poor Jake, who was label as being “too perfect” had to try to convince Jillian that he actually *is* flawed.. That is the cross we have to bear, my friend.

Jesse gets reassured that he deserves to be there (what is he, a girl? Geesh!) and gets a smooch…and the rose! Well played, Jesse. I think someone (*cough* Jillian *couch*) might have a thing for the perceived underdogs.

Meanwhile, David, the original underdog, is so crass and maybe drunk that he starts going on and on about Jillian’s tits falling out of her shirt. Then he abruptly goes in for an awkward kiss! After an interaction like that? So long, buddy.

To make things even more uncomfortable, Jillian then tries to explain that the “acting kisses” from last week weren’t REAL kisses. Uh, honey? You made out with ten guys that day. Don’t try and fool yourself in to thinking that they were all an act, alright?

But either way, David later told the producers that “…setting me up like that and then turning a cheek on me is challenging me…I think she’s testing me.” Um, does anyone else sense a date rapist in our mist? She really wants it, I swear. She’s just testing me… CREEPY!! Someone please get him on the sexual predator registration with Tanner P. post haste!

Come with me to the top of the world…
The Thunderdome date went to Mike (of the beautiful hair) and Mark (of the wait, who is Mark again?). We are entertained by Chris Harrison’s fancy wordplay “One rose, one stays and one goes,” while the couple(s) head back to complete reality with another helicopter date. Jesus Christ.

After an uncomfortable and boring (yawn) date, Mark got the rose over Mike. I think Mike just laid it on thick and strong. I liked him going in to the date, but every time he opened his mouth I felt like it was just getting worse and worse for him. I guess no freakishly good hair babies for them…

Was it just me or was this last episode freakishly boring just in order to have a larger contrast when the after-the-dates drama came out! Every single commercial break saw me saying, “Seriously?! When are we gonna get to the douchebags with girlfriends drama?!?!?!”

I never said that patience was my strong suit. It’s more of a cocktail dress that I wore pre-pregnancy and since Baby Bee, has never fit again.

Speaking of dresses…that dress that Jillian was wearing to the cocktail hour? Wowzas! I mean, I would want to date her in that dress.

So, here’s the deal with the drama: Tanner P. outs the boys in general to Jillian saying that ’someone’ has admitted to having a girlfriend back at home. He means Wes but doesn’t have the cajones/balls/testicles, if you will, to tell Jillian exactly which Bachelor he is referring to. Jillian, after hearing from multiple guys how some of the dudes here are shady, goes ape shit and calls an end to the cocktail hour early.

There is a super tense nothing-happens-off wherein Jillian confronts the men and, well, nothing happens. A lot of drama for no big money shot in the end. Pretty disappointing, I must say. I love that Jake spoke up trying to out someone and that those two dudes (you know, that guy and that other guy) spoke up about being totally screwed in the deal since they hadn’t gotten any one-on-one time with Jillian yet before the cocktail hour was shut down.

In the end, two other Bachelors joined Mikey on his bus ride home. Thank god, douchey McDoucherton Juan and Anger management David got the boot, right? Wes still bugs the crap out of me (and apparently everyone on the show except Jillian and, well, himself) and I can’t wait to see what goes down when the boys get some alone time after the cocktail hour.

But the best part of the episode? Drowning in the irony of Juan and David (of the oh-my-god-I-hate-Juan-so-much Davids) getting the axe on the same night. I’m loving this shit, y’all.

As we join our Always-The-Best-Friend-Never-the-Girlfriend Jillian and her hopeless, helpless Bachelors back at their Californian estate, we have the opportunity to reflect, briefly, on…

Why the fuck do I watch this show again?

Oh yeah, I remember. To watch 25 30 totally losers fight to “win” a girl even though statistics say that their relationship will last approximately 1.8 seconds after the cameras shut off.

And to feel better about myself. But that’s like duh.

So, on to the Sausage Fest!

This week the 16 losers, uh, I mean, Bachelors left will fight it out during two individual dates and one group date. I’m guessing that this week is when they all whip out their junk at the group date to compare length and girth right? I mean, we’ve already seen Brian’s little Guillermo and obviously it wasn’t that impressive since he got the no-rose-for-you right afterwards! It’s obviously the best and quickest way to determine Mr. Right, right?

What?

They don’t do that on this show?!

Why the fuck do I watch this show again?!

Ed, the technology consultant from Chicago, scored the first one-on-one totally based in reality date. So what are the two going to do on their normal, everyday kind of date?

Well, first they travel to their destination in a helicopter.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I have an idea for a show. How about you going on a NORMAL date where you are stuck deciding on which restaurant, Red Robin or Ivars, to eat at and then, oh my god no, you actually have to sit and talk to each other about, gasp, your life! You know, instead of flying in a god damn helicopter to repel down the side of a fucking skyscraper in downtown Los Angeles.

Like I said before, are you fucking kidding me?

And this is all besides the fact that if I were Ed, I’d be all, “Uh, yeah. You’re cute and everything Jillian, but no fucking way. Can we please go get a latte or something ’cause I am not repelling down a fucking skyscraper for you. Kthnxbei.”

I totally love how they are all screaming, “Yeah! Woohoo!” and then when you see them “repelling,” They are actually going about 0.0000000000001 miles per hour down the rope.

After sloooowly falling down the side of a building and making out in a swimming pool, Jill and Ed continued to make out over a candlelit dinner on a rooftop in LA.

Like I said, totally realistic date.

And does anyone else see Ed Robertson from the Barenaked Ladies when they look at Ed? Wait. Is Ed really Ed Robertson?! You decide:

Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad thing! I like Ed and he’s cuuute! Okay, not as hawt as Jake, but he is tall, dark and handsome, which ain’t a bad thing at all!!

The group date, which includes Reid, Wes, Mike, Michael, Tanner F. Mark, Brad, Robbie, Tanner P., Kimptyn and Juan, consists of the always uncomfortable acting scenarios. This season the boys are pretending to be cowboys in an old-time Western film.

Did I mention that there was a lot of awkward kisses and even more awkward “acting”?

I know Jill’s whole goal of this activity is to be all spontaneous and see which guys are good sports, but I would soooo hate doing this group date. I am not the kind of girl that would be happy about being put in such awkward circumstances. Or writing and performing songs like Jason forced the girls to do last season, thankyouverymuch.

And I can’t skip over the Brokeback Mountain homo-erotic Michael-on-Mike action! I can’t lie, I was secretly hoping they would kiss… They were super good sports and I think they totally got ripped off when Jillian didn’t even give them each a “Sorry to make you gay cowboys” apology kiss.

After humiliating the men in chaps and vests (totally my fantasy date…), the group headed to some rooftop/loft/bar/pool/whatever for drinks and man-bitching.

Can I sidenote for a minute here? Of course I can, it’s my blog…

So seriously, why the hell is Tanner P. still around? Somehow Jillian thinks it endearing to have him sexually molest her feet within 2 seconds of them being available for molestation?! This guy not only needs to be Auf’d IMMEDIATELY, but I’m pretty sure he should be required to announce himself as a sexual foot predator the next time he moves. I know I, for one, would don some big old Uggs instead of flip flops if I knew that he lived next door…

Okay, back to the fun. While most of the guys competing for Jillian’s heart are at best dorky nerds and at worst sexual predators, there are a few stand-outs in the crowd:

Ed
Obviously love him (see above). Totally cute and genuine. I worry a bit about the whole “I don’t open up” side of him. This could be his eventual downfall.

Jake
Oh, Jake. Sweet, sweet sexy pilot Jake. I’m pretty sure Jake has this thing in the bag. I mean, look at him!
<-- Seriously, LOOK AT HIM! *drool*

Robby
Who knew?! When he swept her off of her feet while “acting”/kissing, I thought “now THAT is how you sweep a girl off her feet!!” Take note, Brian. Oh wait, Brian was already Jill-iminated (trademark!) for showing off his junk… Well, take note for next season, buddy.

Mike
Part of me thinks that Mike and Jillian are destined for each other just because their babies will have FANTASTIC hair. I mean, geez. Do they shampoo with unicorn tears or something?! Hair that gorgeous should be illegal. Or at the very least attainable by us mere humans.

I also really like/d Sasha, who got invited on the other one-on-one date with Jillian. I still really like him but after listening to his lack-of-love and heartbreak, I think that he might not be as practiced in love as Jillian is looking for…

And…Sasha got the shaft.

Jillian is a total nut job! I can’t believe that just because he was honest with her about not feeling like he had ever been in real love, she sent him home? I think she was just scared and kind of pussed out. I think Sasha definitely deserved to stay and grow his relationship with Jillian longer. Much more deserving than Douchebag “Rooster” Wes, Asshole David and Foot Fetish Tanner.

But thankfully, two more (only two? Come ABC, I could get ride of roughly 12 right now without even trying) Bachelors have to get the boot, so everyone got busy with another Sausage Fest/Cock Fight/{Fill in the Innuendo Blank} Cocktail Hour. Reid scored his first kiss, David proved himself even more of an asshole (is that possible? Eventually his ‘roid rage will create a black hole of assholery wherein he will self-implode and suck all the asshole out of the room.), Wes made my gay-radar start to beep and Tanner P. continues to make me vomit violently in my mouth.

Unfortunately, the 85-hour cocktail hour felt like 800 hours due to David’s overwhelming hatred/obsession with Juan. Is this what people were talking about in regards to gay guys in the house? David struts around so obsessed and jealous of Juan, I’m starting to think he may be jealous of Jillian instead! Maybe it’s just too much alcohol, but Dave just seems like he is a drama queen and looking for a fight.

Wow! Hold up! Jillian’s short make-out session with Kimptyn was HAAAAAAAAWT! Like, my-ovaries-are-stirring-up-and-I hope-Mr.-Bee-gets-home-soon hawt!

Okay, back to the David/Juan drama. Honestly, I kind of hope David just blows up soon so he’ll be kicked off the show. And/or Juan, too. I’m totally over David’s whiny-Juan-is-a-douchey-mcdoucherson act and Juan totally is a Doucherson and I’m way over him, too.

Man, was Chris Harrison a sight for sore eyes. The Rose Ceremony could not come fast enough this episode!

And our final thirteen (that number seems random?) Bachelors are: Ed, Robby, Jake, Reid, Mark, Jesse, Tanner P. (what. the. fuck. seriously.), Wes, Juan, Michael, Kimptyn, Mike and “Gentlemen…Jillian…the final rose tonight…” goes to David.

Leaving us this week was Sasha, Brad and Tanner F. I gotta say that Sasha was robbed, but Brad and Tanner F. both look like serial killers to me, so they won’t really be missed…

Next week on The Bachelorette…I’m gonna just throw a guess out and say that they will go on a few more totally unrealistic dates (in Jillian’s home town, no less!), David will freak out for some reason and a few more douchebags will go home.

Hopefully.

Song title: I’d Do Anything For Love (but I Won’t Do That) by Meat Loaf

Jullian started off last week’s episode by hosting a pool party for eight of the guys: Michael, Brian, Brad, Sasha, Tanner P., Wes, Ed and Mathue. While she had Michael tucked upstairs for a private moment and the other seven men were hanging out by the pool, stewing around in jealousy, Jillian grabbed her flip flops and the only date rose…and disappeared.

While the seven dudes were convinced that Michael has scored the rose already, and poor Michael was just  hanging out solo waiting for Jillian to come back, Jillian hopped in a little Mini Cooper and left the mansion! Since the boys don’t have two brain cells to rub together, Our Beloved Host, Chris Harrison, had to clue them in to the REAL first group date: a scavenger hunt to find Jillian and the winner gets dinner alone with Jill.

Of course, along the way, the boys morph in to snarky little twelve year old girls. Well, twelve year old girls dressed up like James Bond. At the first stop, the Bachelors changed in to tuxes. At the second stop, they choose one of four million-dollar necklaces to bring to Jillian.

Totally realistic date, right?

Anywho, so in the end, Brad and Wes “win” the race to Jillian. She then had to choose between the two for dinner and she choose Wes. I mean, really. Doesn’t everyone just see Brian Hackett from Wings when they look at Brad?

Okay, maybe it’s just me…

Anyway, I thought it was the clear choice (for Wes, of course), but apparently the other men have a real issue with Wes (I’m assuming they figure that “The Rooster” is only on the show for exposure). I think the musician aspect of Wes, the “bad boy who doesn’t wash his hair”-ness, is what she finds enticing. Enticing enough to get the first make-out kiss of the show (gag), the date rose (gag) AND he gets to move in to the mansion with her (uber gag).

Since Jillian was “looking for a guy who can cut loose,” she choose Jake for the solo date. Honestly, if it were me, the card would’ve just read:

Jake~
You’re fucking haaaaaaaaaaaawt. All the other men can go home now. Kthnxbei.
~Mama Bee

And they, had a great time, of course, and sucked a little face, of course (I mean, who wouldn’t?!) and, OF COURSE, he got a rose. I mean, DUH.

The second group date included Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Kimptyn and Juan. The card said, “if you want to be with me, you have to play ball…” It was a little hilarious since (1) Jillian looks like she’s about four feet tall (not that there is anything wrong with that), (2) even I play basketball better than a few of those dudes (and I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck) and (3) one of the dudes picked her up and dropped her. Ahahahaha!

Sorry, I meant to say that he picked her and “set her down like a gentle butterfly”. Riiiiiiight.

Although I do have to say that it’s a little irritating (and yes, pretty hysterical) how the producers egg on our testosterone-exploding men as they fight for their “prize”. To invite some Harlem Globetrotters to play basketball against?! I mean, could you imagine last season when Jason brought the girls to make the busts of themselves for charity if he had been all “oh and surprise! Here are a bunch of supermodels for me to compare your bodies to!” or something? It just would never happen!

Mostly because all those catty bitches would promptly pull each others’ hair out in chunks, but whatever.

But, with that said, it was pretty hilarious to see all those white dudes freak out when Jill walked up with a big gaggle of gigantically tall black dudes! And when Mike stripped down to a Speedo and ran out in to the ocean? Priceless! (and totally the right move for him, too! Well played, Mike. Well played.)

Sidenote #1: So what’s the deal with the Juan versus David feud? I can understand why some guys would have issue with Juan playing Jill (like he should’ve just said that he doesn’t drink or didn’t want to instead of faking the shot), but I predict that David is going to quickly dig his own grave with this whole “we should tie him to a tree and beat him” shit. Seriously? Psycho, anyone?

Sidenote #2: Now what do you, the Interwebs, think of this whole theory that there are some gay dudes (not that there’s anything wrong with that) hiding among the bunch of bachelors? I’ve definitely noticed a few, let’s say, metrosexual bachelors or maybe just a few that are a bit more feminine than ‘roid-rage David, but no one really jumps out as a full out dude-on-dude, well, dude. What do you think?

Sidenote #3: Wow. Hold up. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit when Tanner P. assaulted Jillian’s feet again. That guy needs to GO. Stat! Can you imagine if every guy just wouldn’t shut up about his sexual fetishes? Like if Sasha (for example) just kept on talking to the producers/cameras about Jillian’s boobs or something? CREEPY!!

Sidenote #4: Another huge difference that I’ve noticed between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? Do the Bachelors ever stop drinking?!

Sidenote #5: Wes is a douchebag. The end.

Sidenote #6: David has some serious anger management problems. Did the producers slip him in hoping that he would get in to physical altercations with, well, everyone?

After all the dates and before the final rose ceremony, the boys got to hang out at cocktail hour and were given the opportunity to vote for the bachelor the disliked the most. That Bachelor, unless saved by Jillian, would go home immediately. Juan (or Ha-Wahn as Chris Harrison would say!) “won” the “we hate you the most, douchebag” contest, with David and Julien close behind. Unfortunately Jillian saved him by giving him a rose on the spot. Gag.

Thankfully, Jill cut the pack down by four and Simon, Julien, Hung-like-a-light-switch-Brian and Mathue had their reality television romance dreams ended in a lack of boutonniere (the saddest way to go, any romantic will tell ya)…