Last week’s therapy session, like the week before that and the week before that, was ridiculously insightful.

Fer reals, people. I totally recommend therapy. Not only do you get to fulfill your narcissistic tendencies and practice your stand-up to a captive audience, you also learn a ton about yourself. Because, duh.

So this last week, we delved in to my anxiety and planning tendencies.

What planning tendencies, you may ask? Well, obviously you don’t remember this:

I think maybe some of you made reference to my insane Excel spreadsheets I create in preparation of last Spring’s trip to Las Vegas. Because obviously you didn’t realize that I’m sick. Are you happy with yourselves now?

Well, it turns out that my ridiculous planning techniques are really just a coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety. Apparently not everyone creates Excel lists and detailed daily itineraries for vacations. Who knew?

Oh, but I don’t stop there. Not even close.

I will even look up the menu for a restaurant that I’m going to in say, like thirty minutes. Because God forbid something catches me off-guard.

That’s when Dr. Crazytown my therapist asked me how I handle surprises.

And then I realized something.

I don’t let myself be surprised. Ever.

If there is even a hint of a surprise in my future, I will research that shit out of that mo-fo until I know every single detail of said “surprise”. Seriously, I will hack in to the tubes of the Internet if I have to. Me and my laptop are not to be trusted.

And it’s totally been happening my entire life…

When I was little I would search my entire house CSI-style from the glitter-embedded popcorn ceiling (oh yeah, baby! 1970’s houses ROCK!) to the cold garage to find my Christmas presents. (Don’t worry, Mom & Dad. I only found the presents once. Or twice…). I was SO excited the year I found the Girl Talk board game!

But I digress.

Some years I would even attempt to unwrap and then rewrap the presents that were already under the tree! Fortunately for my parents (and Santa), I would usually give up because it was far too time-intensive for my busy tween schedule of watching Jem and reading Teen Bop Magazine.

But that’s not even half as sneaky as I can be.

Not only did I find out what my engagement ring looked like prior to the question being popped (which really isn’t that crazy), but I also found out how he was going to propose before he did it. See, Mr. Bee took me to San Francisco for the weekend to propose and to be fair, I didn’t know about that plan before it happened. But I did know about the plan before the San Fran Plan (say that five times fast!).

I was sneaky enough to find out that Mr. Bee had actually planned on taking me on a week-long trip to HAWAII to propose! I was beyond excited!! Of course, knowing that I wasn’t supposed to know was tricky. I couldn’t share my excitement because, well, I wasn’t supposed to know!

Then something horrible happened. Mr. Bee’s work ended up scheduling a mandatory you-don’t-attend-you-don’t-have-a-job kind of meeting during the week that he had planned (and booked) the trip to Hawaii. So he had to cancel everything. And, of course, using my totally inappropriate sneaking and snooping power of deduction, I found out that the trip had been canceled.

I was crushed! But, of course, shouldn’t have been disappointed as I shouldn’t have originally even known enough to be excited! I ended up confessing to my discoveries to a friend in school because I had to tell someone, right?! I needed at least one friend to share my excitement (and disappointment) with!

I finally confessed what I had done to Mr. Bee in preparation for this post. So what if I waited roughly 6 or 7 years to do it?! I never said I wasn’t totally chicken shit. I’m just a snoopy chicken shit.

But something that did surprise me was that Mr. Bee wasn’t at all surprised! I guess he knows me better than I thought…

So, honey, if you ever want to (try to) surprise me again in the future, you pretty much have to be prepared to never, ever leak word of it to me and probably use an email that I have never even heard of before. And you might want to move and change your name, too.

And, dear God, never bring the presents IN to the house.

Because I WILL find them.

Song title: The Element of Surprise by E-40