As you would probably presume, watching approximately 712 primetime shows per week creates a need for a pretty structured television routine.

Take last night, for example.

Since it was Biggest Loser Night, special preparations had to be made.

Sure, some of you would make a special healthy snack of tofu or celery or whatever the hell you healthy people eat. Or maybe you squeeze yourself in to some spandex and workout while watching all the fatties inspirational contestants sweat to the oldies.

Mr. Bee and I, on the other hand, had to make a special run to the grocery store to prepare…

But don’t get me wrong. Each of these items had a very specific purpose:

1. Peanut Butter Cups.
Okay, these are just for the yummy factor.

2. Lifesavers.
If I’m gonna watch a bunch of 300+ pounders working out until they vomit, Lord knows I need something to suck on so that *I* don’t puke my guts out.

3. Sunny Delight.
What the hell I am supposed to wash down those peanut butter cups with?!

4. Pantyliners.
Have YOU tried sneezing without peeing yourself lately? That’s what I thought.

5. Huggies.
In case the pantyliners aren’t enough…

6. Chocolate & Vanilla Ice Cream with Cool Whip.
This is all Mr. Bee’s fault. He will chomp through these two boxes of ice cream in like two days. Seriously, if he was actually able to gain weight, he’d probably be a contender for Biggest Loser’s next season.

7. Ice cream sandwiches.
Well, I can hardly let Mr. Bee eat all that ice cream alone, right? What kind of wife would I be?! And let it be known that you can’t see the “only 100 calories” badge on the box. So what if I ate 12 of them. I’m eating for two now!

Song title: Bad Loser by The Sutherland Brothers