To Whom It May Concern Regarding Current Stork Performance:

I am writing today to request a swift and immediate improvement in current stork performance as it pertains to the Bee Family. I have been an employee of Baby Bee Incorporated for more than two years, and I feel that my experience and skills, while increasing daily, warrant a promotion to Mother of Two and a raise in the form of an additional baby.

Throughout my tenure, I have advanced from a married woman with countless hours of free time to a typical suburban mom, counting the minutes until I have a free hour to myself to watch The Housewives of New Jersey. Despite the decrease of personal breaks, which, by the way, must be in violation of state law, my workload continues to grow.

Since I was hired two years ago, my responsibilities have grown significantly. I have managed to raise Bee somewhat successfully from an infant to a toddler and, at last count, all ten fingers and all ten toes remain intact. To date, there have been no emergency room visits and only one outbreak of butt worms.

Daily evaluations of Bee’s intellect also indicate promising results. She became proficient at spelling by 19 months and her vocabulary grows in an exponential fashion. This week, we are working on saying “I want a baby sister, you godd@mn Stork” with perfect pronunciation.

With that said, I do admit that my abilities in the cooking and cleaning departments are lacking, but I think you will find that my standards will remain static, if not improve, with a second child.

Who are we kidding? It will get worse. But no one ever died of dirty dishes on the counter, right?

There has been an obvious increase in your workload in my surrounding area so I can see how you could have possibly overlooked my delivery. I am well aware that these mothers have earned their promotions as well, but seeing the local baby increase can be quite frustrating for a consistent and well-deserving employee such as myself. Might I suggest that instead of giving everyone and their cousin a set of twins, maybe you could divide the burden among a few different mothers? Just a suggestion.

Based on the feedback that I have received, I believe that you and your manager (Mrs. Stork?) will find that I have been performing excellently as a mother. I am beyond ready to tackle the challenges of being a mother of two and look forward to the increase in duties.

I feel that this discussion is long overdue, and I hope that you will give my request some serious consideration. I fear that a lack in response from you soon could result in personal harm to yourself in the form of a duck hunting rifle to your temple. Don’t risk it, Stork. Just don’t.

In conclusion, please submit my request of a promotion immediately and remit compensation in the form of one adorable Cletus the Fetus to my womb immediately.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Mama Bee
CEO of Parenting and Household Management

Song title: I Get the Job Done by Big Daddy Kane