I almost died the other night. Fer reals, yo.

On Saturday, Sissy and I slapped on our waterproof mascara, packed our pockets full of garlic and crucifixes, and generally prepared to have the shit scared out of us.

See, one of Sissy and I’s favorite things to do is to see a good scary movie. Now, I’m not talking some gory grossness like Saw XVIII or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I’m talking really good give-you-nightmares-and-make-you-afraid-of-mundane-things-like-answering-the-telephone-or-taking-showers scary movies.

Don’t worry, I eventually learned to not fear showers. Thank God, right?

With purses full of Xanax and adult diapers, we sat down to watch Paranormal Activity, a movie which has been referred to as the scariest movie. Ever.

In general, I can handle a scary movie as long as I have the ability to hold my hands up to my face during the entire length of the film. That is, I do fine until Sissy (and she does this every time) leans over to me and says, “I can’t believe you have your feet on the floor. That’s how they GIT you!”

Cue feet up on chair and Mama Bee watching the rest of the movie in the fetal position.

If you like scary movies, Paranormal Activity is definitely the movie for you! It starts slow, but builds on your basic things-that-go-bump-in-the-night fears.

Ugh, even as I typed that last sentence, images from the film flooded my mind and gave me the heebie geebies. I really need to see it again. Soon. It was that good.

Honestly, I’m pretty sure that both Sissy and I would’ve wet ourselves multiple times during the film if it weren’t for the audience in the theater. It was pretty barren except for roughly 15-20 gigantic men. It seems that the Washington Huskies played the Arizona Something Er-others yesterday and before the big game, some of the team decided to get the bejeezus scared out of themselves by going to the movie with us.

First of all, I always recommend seeing a scary movie surrounded by a bunch of gigantic, muscular men. Something about it is just slightly comforting. Whoda thunk?

But seriously, I would’ve gone in to a frightened coma if it weren’t for the hilarious commentary they provided immediately after every frightening scene:

Something scary happens. “What the FUCK?!” I hear behind me.

Something even scarier happens with the girlfriend in the movie. “Man, I’d be on MySpace finding myself a NEW GIRL!!”

They were HILARIOUS!

But even that comedic reprieve didn’t stop me from having a heart attack later that night, while I was sitting in a darken living room, by myself (thanks for leaving me alone, Mr. Bee. Way to defend me against evil demons! Wasn’t that in our marriage vows or something?! I swear it was right after something about “for richer or poorer” or some shit…), after Bee had gone down for the night.

*thump*

“Hmmmm…what’s that?” I wonder.

*thump*

*thump*

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I thought.

*thump thump*

*thump*

“It must be a car outside…”

::listens to car drive away out::

“SIGH!!! Thank god.”

*thump*

*THUMP THUMP*

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

Despite my inner movie audience telling me “DON’T GO OUTSIDE ALONE!!!” I peeked outside and quickly realized that my “scary monster trying to eat me” was actually some event across the valley celebrating with fireworks.

But I totally almost gotten killed by a scary demon. I swear.

Song title: Scary Footsteps by The Movies