And by “funk”, I mean “funkiness”. Can I get a what what?! Okay, I’ll stop now…

Since I am bone dry of any sort of creativity at all, I’ve decided to take some time today to tell you all sorts of things that you’ve never needed and/or wanted to know about me.

1. I was, and always will be, a cheerleader.
I began cheering when I was like eight years old and continued through high school. In fact, I was CAPTAIN of the cheer squad my senior year of high school. (Okay, co-captain, but captain just sound so much more prestigious…)

Don’t get me wrong, though. I was not popular. No boys ever asked me out and I didn’t even have a date for prom (even though my boyfriend was there…with HIS date. Long story.). So don’t believe all the Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne bullshit about the cheerleaders being all perfect and having it all. Because it’s bull. shit.

2. I don’t eat blue things.
Blue foods are just not natural. I don’t bother telling me that blueberries are blue because obviously Fruit Namer McJoe is colorblind; they are obviously purple. And gross anyway.

And it’s no use trying to convince me that neon orange Cheetos aren’t natural. Because they are delicious.

My logic just can’t be beat.

3. Do Huggies come in size 12?
This is more about Bee than me, but at just a few months shy of 3 years old, Bee shows absolutely no desire to potty train. Like NONE. And we’ve tried everything: candy incentives, toy incentives, cool musical toilets (which, no fair, right? MY toilet doesn’t sing when I piss…). Her best friend even pees on the potty already and Bee is all, “Good for you. Hey mom? I just shit myself again. Clean it up, kthnxbai.”

I’m just hoping to get her potty trained by high school. Or college.

4. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
Despite my obvious awesomeness, I may be one of the most insecure people I know. Especially when it comes to relationships (friendships, really). I’m constantly wondering if my friends like me or simply just put up with me. Totally healthy, right?

One of my morbid concerns is that when I die, no one will bother to come to my funeral. I’m totally convinced that I’ll just be all gorgeous and floating around, waiting to see who arrives and who is crying the most (I’ll haunt that person the least), but only like five people will show up. So you fuckers have been warned: I will torture your ass from beyond if you don’t come to worship celebrate my life after I croak.

Luckily, I have some friends that not only know all my craziness but love me anyway! For that I am soooo thankful. Love you to the moon and back!

5. Hi. My name is Mama Bee and I’m addicted to the Interwebs. (HI MAMA BEE!)
Seriously. Like if my friends email or Facebook me and I don’t respond within five minutes, they send out search parties. I often get “Is everything okay?!” emails and texts when people don’t hear from me for, gasp, an entire day! I find it hilarious and just a bit disturbing because, yes, I’ve checked Facebook about 54 times already while typing this post.

Okay, that’s all I have for now. If NickJr. doesn’t make me kill myself this morning, I’ll try to come up with something a little more interesting to write about!

Song title: Random Funk by Schnitt Acht