Sunlight Theory

9 Dec

I totally wasn’t going to blog today because I’m super worthless, but I didn’t think this novel would be Facebook update appropriate.

So I’m totally convinced that I’m have been impregnated with a vampire baby.

Here is my reasoning:

1. I’m super sensitive to sunlight today. Now I’m going with the more traditional sunlight-kills-vampires theory here, not the sunlight-just-makes-me-more-beautiful Twilight theory.

2. My contacts are apparently being destroyed by my caustic eye boogers. This is causing me to tear up constantly and pretty much blinds me. It probably doesn’t help that the only glasses I own are an old prescription and are so scratched it looks like I stored them in a blender. Filled with gravel. And savage cats with sharpened claws.

That’d be a pretty disgusting blender.

3. Obviously Cletus the Fetus is a vampire because of his/her rapid growth. I mean, I just went from having rock hard abs to a ferocious muffin top in like three days. There’s just no way that I had those love handles before and never noticed them, right?

Stop laughing.

4. Bee is a fucking crazy face today. Seriously, she either woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or is a werewolf and therefore suspicious of the vampire baby in my womb. I’m going with the werewolf theory until proven wrong.

5. I am so exhausted today that I can hardly keep my eyes open. My caustic eye boogers/melting contact lenses aren’t helping the situation either. Obviously, my vampire baby is sucking the life energy out of me.

Well, there it is. Five undeniable reasons why I have been impregnated with Edward Cullen’s baby.

So far I’m only craving Little Ceasar’s Crazy Bread. I hope blood isn’t next.

Song title: Sunlight Theory by Ben Liebrand

5 Responses to “Sunlight Theory”

  1. Jackie December 9, 2009 at 12:03 pm #

    Impregnated with Edward’s vampire child? You whore.

    And I have to give kudos to ANYONE managing to throw in the words “caustic eye boogers” into a blog post–not once, but TWICE.

  2. Kassia December 9, 2009 at 5:14 pm #

    And I thought I was Edward’s only mistress. Of course the line around the theater the night New Moon opened should have alerted me to his man whoreish ways.

  3. Arla-Shay December 9, 2009 at 5:43 pm #

    You? Worried about being “appropriate”? That’s kind of cute.

  4. Aunt Becky December 9, 2009 at 6:48 pm #

    I’ve never had Crazy Bread. Is it good? Now I’m craving it. WTF?

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

  1. What I’ve Done | Mom to Bee - December 11, 2009

    [...] Not only shy, homely chicks from Forks can get knocked up by vampires. I’m living proof. Soon-to-be living undead proof. Sunlight Theory [...]

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