Stone In My Shoe

19 Jan

Are you one of them?

* * * * *
[Open Scene]
News Years Eve.
Lights up on a moderately-sized condominium overlooking the Seattle skyline. A small group of sophisticated 30-somethings socialize while drinking wine and awaiting the New Years fireworks display. A knock on the door reveals a new-comer, dressed in a sweet little black party dress and killer heels. She enters the condo ready to meet new people, as she knows only a few, and to welcome the New Year in style.

But wait.


Um, Pretentious Douche*, why is their a pile of dress shoes by the door?

But…uh…urr…see, I have this pretty little dress on. Yeah, it’s cute huh? I got it for my high school reunion to hide my post-pregnancy belly almost 2 years ago but it’s totally hot, right? I know! It’s BCBG. But wait, where was I? Oh yeah, see I have this pretty little dress on and my shoes…yeah, they *are* cute! See the little ruching in the front? Yeah, and see they match my dress perfectly! ::poses like Americas Next Top Model, Cycle 13:: I know, right?! Totally perfect. But if you force me, against my will, to take said perfect shoes off then, well, I’ll be barefoot. In someone else’s apartment. Who I don’t know. And meeting a bunch of people I don’t know. In my bare feet.

And, wait. You have a dog. A dog that shits and licks herself and whatnot. Like most dogs, I presume that your dog also periodically walks through her pee and poo.

But *I* have to take *my* shoes off before I come in your house?!

* * * * *

Seriously, what is up with people requiring you to disrobe before entering their house? I know I’m treading on thin ice here because every. single. one. of my friends has the shoes off policy. (I love you guys!!!)

Pros and Cons of the Shoe Removal Policy

    (1) You keep your rug clean (::cough::lazy::cough::)

    (1) You have to see my ugly feet.

    (2) I never get to show off any cute shoes and therefore it never matters what shoes I wear.

    (3) My feet get cold.

    (4) It’s embarassing (i.e. I don’t get regular pedicures and/or I’m wear junky socks that I had no intention of showing you)

    (5) (Somtimes) it is inappropriately casual. If this is the first time I’m meeting you or have never been to your house before, it makes me very uncomfortable to be that informal. Why don’t I just help myself to your bathrobe and grab a beer from the fridge while I’m at it?

    (6) It’s just awkward. If I’m in a cute party dress with strappy sandals, now I have to put down my purse and coat, bend over without showing the world my chocha and unbuckle my shoes, just to have to do it all over again when I leave? I just look like a douchebag. Can you imagine watching a movie and seeing Angelina Jolie strutting in to a party and stopping to remove her shoes? Or James Bond with a martini and no shoes on? No, you can’t, because it would look retarded.

Unless it’s a family gathering or a close group of friends, when your guests arrive, they want to drop their coats and get to socializing. They don’t want to fumble with their footwear like they’re in line for a security checkpoint.

*Mr. Bee saw Pretentious Douche at another gathering where he (1) brought his dog to another persons party, and (2) fed said dog sushi from the expensive sushi platters provided by the host’s parents. I now deem you Sir Douche VonDoucheyPants.

Song title: Stone In My Shoe by Alisha’s Attic

10 Responses to “Stone In My Shoe”

  1. Statler January 20, 2009 at 12:04 am #

    Sir Douche VonDoucheyPants not only fed the dog sushi, he double dipped his sushi into the soy sauce.

  2. Betts January 20, 2009 at 5:40 am #

    I don’t live in a place where you can wear strappy shoes in winter. We wear clunky, LL Bean cold weather boots with our LBD’s and bring our shoes with us to parties. After this, will be mud season, when we wear wellies. I only get 3 months to wear cute shoes. Other than that, it’s too cold or too messy.

    PS You can borrow my bathrobe and grab a beer when you come to my house.

  3. Mama Bee January 20, 2009 at 8:25 am #

    I ::heart:: you, Statler.

    Love, Waldorf

  4. Pearl January 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm #

    Sorry Mama Bee, you know I love you by the shear amount of blog stalking I do, but I must say shoes in the house are GROSSSSSSS! Think of all of the things you walk through while you are out and about… the floors of public restrooms? bars? grocery stores? parking lots? airports? public transportation? I cant help but think of all of the pubes, piss, and puke I would track through my house if I wore my shoes in it. Gag! And NO amount of floor cleaning would make me feel good about it.

    That being said, if I were having a fancy pants party, I would have it at a venue, not at my home. Not soley for this reason, but guests could keep their shoes on. And my party would be open bar all night long, so if you wanted to show your chocha even though you didnt have to remove your shoes, that would be fine too.

    Also, sorry all dog lovers, dogs are gross too. They belong outside at all times.

  5. Mrs. J January 20, 2009 at 4:14 pm #


    I love this post. Only because I know who the Douchebag in question is, muahahaha. However, Monkey, we do the shoes off thing at our house (save for running up to grab whatevertheF- we forgot on the main floor before heading out) but never expect/ask guests to! Really, we don’t really care…people walking around in shoes goes along with having people over, mwmw. I will say though that I get the gross factor, as I hate wearing shoes to the upstairs and even hate sitting on the bed in street clothes (especially when said street clothes had recently been on the bus, ew).

  6. Statler January 20, 2009 at 4:42 pm #

    I can see both sides here. However… I am Asian and have lived the bulk of my life in homes with the no-shoe rule. And now that I am in my own home, I wear shoes.

    I wear shoes because carpets can be cleaned. The oil left on the carpet from your feet actually captures more dust and dirt than if you wear shoes and vaccum. Furthermore, it is more difficult to clean. Let us imagine… a mud streak is easier to wash than the grease drip from a paseos sandwich. Now I don’t have scientific back-up but heard it from the Carpet Installer, so take it with a few grains.

    That said, I don’t wear street clothes or even pajamas that I have been outside in to bed. Yes, that is gross.

    Meh –

  7. Jaci January 21, 2009 at 9:07 am #

    Hmmm…I’m torn! On one hand, you were at a party where everyone was dressed up, right? So, it’s not like you’re wearing that pair of beat up Nikes that have seen the inside of Wal-Mart, the gum bombed parking lots, a jog through the mud, and three squishy dog turds. If everyone is wearing their dress shoes that rarely come out of the protection of the closet–then yes, you should have been able to leave them on. That’s just rude (and must have looked really weird).

    But, if I’m having a Super Bowl party and 20 people are trucking over to my house in jeans, jersies, and timberlands–yeah, those suckers are coming off at the door!

  8. Daniel January 21, 2009 at 2:59 pm #

    i’m sorry, but if they don’t have fuzzy pink slippers or animal slippers for you to wear in their house I just don’t think it is required to take your shoes off.

  9. Guwi January 22, 2009 at 11:32 am #

    omg…the dog? at the other person’s party? BEING FED SUSHI? BY A DOUCHEY?


    Sir Douche VonDoucheySushiPants needs to grow up and align his priorities.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

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