Secret Admirer

24 Mar

I have the strangest compulsion.

I have this bizarre desire to rekindle almost every relationship I’ve ever had.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about ex-boyfriends. Those dudes can suck a big fat one as far as I’m concerned (you might be able to tell that I’m not one of those “let’s be friends” people).

Old friends, friends that just grew apart, acquaintances from high school, you name it. I can’t even count how many friends I have hunted down on Facebook. So don’t be surprised if you get a creepy “hi! You went to school with me in the 5th grade and we totally had matching crimped hair! LET BE FRIENDS, MKAY?!!” emails from me. I take crazy pills but they aren’t helping. I swear I’m not a stalker. Much.

I think the weirdest desires I have are (1) wanting to reconnect even with ex-friends who I may or may not have threatened to take to court, and (2) feeling compelled to disclose every crush I have ever had.

And it’s weird (for many reasons) but mostly because it’s not to say “hey sexy! I thought you were super hot 15 years ago. Hubba hubba.” I don’t have any interested in rekindling THAT kind of relationship (Hi, Mr. Bee! Love you!). It’s just this sense that I’ve kept this big secret (okay, it was big in high school) and I just want to let them know that they had an admirer! Could it backfire on me? Sure! Which is why I don’t plan on telling people to their face! My 15-year-old self had enough issues. I don’t need to crush her non-existent ego with a “Who are you?” or “Um, you were disgusting.” response from a high school crush.

Side note: Holy fuck, high school was 15 years ago? I’m old.

Anywho and whatnot, I have just found it really cathartic to let go of silly little secrets like that – the ones that take up space in your head even though they lost relevance years ago. Like which basketball player you had a crush on during junior year (hint: all of them) or who you really wanted to dance with at your senior prom (hint: anyone. I didn’t have a date. {sad trombone}).

Somehow it seems like it would be like a bit of Spring Cleaning for your mind. Or Lobster Bisque for your soul. You know what I mean.

So instead of being all stalkery and hunting people down on Facebook in order to make them (and me) awkward when I declare my 15-year-old self’s undying crush on them or to reignite a friendship which would probably be doomed to end in an episode of Judge Judy, I’ve decided where better to release my secrets/demons/mental diarrhea that no one cares about? My blog, of course!!

Here we go:

M.W. – Sorry we ended our relationship with the threat of court. (See y’all, I wasn’t kidding!) Your baby looks really adorable and I hope you’ve found happiness.

J.L. – Thank you for being the only boy to ask me to dance at senior prom. That dance had more of an emotional impact than you would’ve probably imagined.

T.D. – On that note, thanks for being my “date” to senior prom! That photo of us posed with invisible dates will always be one of my favorites. (PS: How pathetic were we?!)

E.R. – Thank you for teaching me what kind of man I really deserve. And thank you for introducing me to Mr. Bee! No hard feelings?

A.L. – My one “older boy” crush in high school. If only I had not been invisible to every single boy in every school I have ever attended…

J.E. – My other major crush in high school. Please reference A.L.’s notes.

K.S. – Even though you disappeared before graduation, you were one of my closest friends in school and I wish we would’ve kept in touch.

E.E. – Sorry I stopped calling you. You were by far the best boyfriend I had prior to Mr. Bee. Except for that whole going to prom with someone else deal… {sad trombone}

J.H. – I miss you! You may be the most hilarious person I have ever met. Why don’t we ever hang out anymore?!

D.C. – I still don’t believe that anyone could be as happy as you appear to be. Lay off the pooping rainbows and unicorns, k?

Oh mah gawd, this is so fun! Why don’t you try? Post in the comments something you’ve always wanted to tell someone, but never had the nerve or opportunity!

Song title: Secret Admirer by Pit Bull

6 Responses to “Secret Admirer”

  1. Arla-Shay March 25, 2012 at 8:08 pm #

    I don’t know who this J.H. character is but I’ll cut him/her if he/she reads this and comes trying to snag my bestie back with his/her stupid “hilarity.” Rekindle this whoreface: I’M OFF MY MEDS AND WILL FUCK A BITCH UP!!!

  2. Arla-Shay March 25, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    I apologize. That was inappropriate. I promise better placement of my prepositions in future outbursts.

  3. Erin Wilson March 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    There are people on your friends list that you don’t really talk to that often. Maybe you could try stalking them or send them a fun little check-in message. I know I would like that.

  4. Beverly March 26, 2012 at 11:15 am #

    R.K. hopefully those “photos” you took of me will not end up on the internet!!

  5. Keegan March 26, 2012 at 11:30 am #

    Okay, I’m game. :-)

    G.M. – You were/are a Greek god, and we should have made babies. If that were biologically possible.
    C.S. – Not sure how I feel about how things turned out. Sort of feel duped, but don’t really know if I can blame you for that. I don’t miss the head-trips and I’m relieved that we’re not close anymore because I don’t need that stress. But I hope you’re happy! Seriously.
    S.F. – I’m a complete bone-head, and so are you. I wish I understood more at the time, it probably would have saved us both some heartache.
    D.H. – What the hell was that? I’m sorry I treated you like crap, and you probably owe me the same apology, but I’m not going to hold my breath. Good luck with life.
    D.H. (not the same one) – I loved you. Hard. I sometimes wish I could tell you that, but I don’t know if it’s selfish of me to want to do so. Hopefully the universe will float this sentiment through your mind and make you smile.
    K.C. – I idolized you, wanted to be just like you, and now I can’t think of why. It looks like you married well, and you’re being provided with a cool life. I hope it’s working out.
    K.P. – I really threw myself into an obsession over you, though I’m not sure if it was because of you, or if I just wanted to obsess. Sorry for being creepy like that.

    Okay, this brought me back to some nice, and not-so-nice places. Fun!

  6. Rachael April 22, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    Oh my God, I am so glad to hear that someone else has this problem. Okay, not super glad, because it kind of sucks sometimes… but you know. I still dream about people I went to high school with 14 years ago, and people I worked with 10 years ago, and I totally read their Facebooks and wonder why I’m not still friends with everyone EVER.

    J.W. – I was in love with you for four years. I wish you knew how much you meant to me even though we never even dated.

    H.M. – I still don’t understand why you lied to me the summer before Freshman year and told me you’d had a baby… then kept it up throughout the next couple of years. I don’t understand why you wanted to dump the best friend you’d hung out with for two years, but even if you needed to get rid of me, why did you make up that crazy ass story??

    J.A. – I talked to you and your girlfriend for hours separately and helped you get engaged, and you didn’t even invite me to your wedding. You suck.

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