Risking Life & Limb for the Coupon

First of all, can we please talk about The Bachelorette from last night?!

Just kidding, I haven’t watched it yet. But I will today so LA-LA-LA-LA-LA DON’T TELL ME ANYTHING!! But I figure that Frank is a total douche wad, am I right?

Now for something completely different…

So I hesitate to write this post because I really don’t want to offend anyone out there in the Intertubes.

Which is kind of hilarious when you consider my “typical” writing style. If my vagina or exploding ass posts offend you, I could give a shit.

But I personally know a lot of people that may fall in to this category now and again and I want you to know that I’m not writing about you. Duh.

So here it is…

I hate coupon clippers.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand why people clip/use coupons. I think recently Sissy saved like $80 on her groceries just by clipping coupons in the local paper. I personally don’t have the ambition or memory to use coupons. We do actually own a little coupon wallet that Costco coupons end up in, but I don’t think I could tell you how many times I’ve remembered to bring it along on a trip.

Oh, wait, yes I can. Never. None. Zero times. Poor thing is as untouched as pure-as-snow Justin Beiber.

Just kidding, I don’t even know who the fuck that Justin Beiber kid is. She could be a total slut for all I know.

Anyway, back to the Haterade. See, the other day I was at Target purchasing some much needed items (if by “much needed items” you mean I was walking aimlessly around the store exclaiming every 5 seconds “Oooooh! I NEEEEEED that!!” and throwing it in to my ever overflowing cart), when I finally cut myself off and headed toward the cashiers. There was only like one cashier open so I headed toward that line and started to unload my treasures on to the belt.

Quickly, a line formed behind me and it took a minute to realize that the women in front of me were…wait for it…coupon clippers.

It became clear that there was some sort of horrendous, catastrophic technology meltdown occurring that was not applying one of their coupons to all five items it should apply to, it was only attaching to two items for some reason. This, of course, was cause to bring every fucking cashier/manager/Target lady within a 25 mile radius a-running.

The other cashiers opened up additional registers and the line behind me scattered like my parents when I start telling a story about my vagina. However, since I am about 11 months pregnant and all my crap was already on the belt, I thought that I would just suck it up and wait out the transaction in front of me. I mean, how long could this possibly take, right?

Oooooh boy. It took forever.

I was honestly worried that I would give birth and be shopping for 1st birthday party decorations for Cletus before the women in front of me would figure out their coupon dilemma. But it was worth the struggle. I mean, they must be saving a lot of money or all this waiting wouldn’t be worth it, right?

Oh no. It was in order to save…wait for it…three mother fucking dollars.

Now this is where I may or may not offend my coupon-clipping fan base. I totally get that for some people, maybe a lot of people, $3.00 is worth the struggle and wait.

But dude.

I swear, I was a half second away from pulling out my wallet and offering them four dollars just to move along and get the hell out of my way.

But my irritation isn’t specific to coupon ladies. It also applies to check writers (because who the fuck writes checks anymore) and individuals who are incapable of using self check-out kiosks.

I mean, seriously, people. If you are (1) illiterate, (2) technologically retarded, or (3) born before there was electricity, maybe the self check-out lines aren’t for you. ESPECIALLY if you also plan on using a check! Sweet baby Jesus in a manger, I can’t tell you how many times the self check-out lines make me all stabby inside.

Eventually some nice 12 year old cashier helped me load all of my items BACK in to my cart so that I could leave the store before my 40th birthday. I swear that if I went back there today, those ladies would still be trying to work out Coupon Y2K. I just hope the five tubes of toothpaste were worth it.

Song title: Risking Life & Limb for the Coupon by Bound Stems