To read about Day One in Vegas, go here.
First of all, how in the hell is it
Friday Saturday already? I feel like I was hungover and clutching my stomach just yesterday…
Yep. Stay classy, Las Vegas.
But despite the vagina-tastic name, the food was actually pretty good. Didn’t taste like vaginas at all!
Since we didn’t stay up ridiculously late drinking on Day One, Day Two began with all of us awake by 8:00am.
Right?! Why in the WORLD did I not sleep in until noon every day? Yeah, ask my stupid body because it definitely wasn’t my choice.
A few of the girls (not me, duh) decided to hit the gym first thing. Mrs. J and I decided that our energy would be much better spent in bed. After eating enough eggs and toast to kill a small elephant, we all headed down to the MGM Pool with the lazy river running through it.
This pool was the hopping, loud-music, frat boy filled “Spring Break 2001″ pool. We had fun just lazying about and getting ego boosts from watching people wearing stuff that, well, they just shouldn’t have been wearing.
It’s petty, I know. But come on. I need the ego boosts wherever I can get them.
I think the best photo that came out of Day Two (at least at the pool) was this shot of Guillermo being put in jail (or freed, I’m not sure which) when the pool staffers said that no “inflatable pool” thingies were allowed.
Um, dudes, he’s a 24 inch inflatable penis. We weren’t exactly going to use him as water wings, yo.
Instead of using Guillermo’s inflated balls as a flotation device, we rented inner tubes for $16 each (gag) and hit the river, which was a cool slow-moving pool throughout the park area. It was really fun until I realized that sporadically throughout the river were these sprinklers that would spray water over roughly half the width of the river, so you had to paddle your little T-Rex arms as fast as they could go in order to avoid a faceful of water (and in my case, to maintain the hair and makeup I had worked on that morning – yes, I TOTALLY am *that* girl).
The sprinkler-avoidance-dance was working okay until we turned the last bend in the river near our lounge chairs and saw the equivalent of Niagara Falls positioned over the entire river.
There was no way to avoid it.
But I bet I looked damned hilarious trying!
And later I found out, from my dear close friend Perez Hilton, that I quite possible could have been flailing around like a drown rat right next to him:
That’s right. It’s Jason Mraz.
I SWAM IN JASON MRAZ WATER!!! Jealous?!
Anywho, after I was done bathing in Mraz, the only other mom on the trip and I went out to the MGM in search of gifts for our little ones. We also got to see the MGM Lion paraded around in his habitat. I took just a few photos on my shitty phone camera…
My favorite photo I took was of this random couple:
Later, we fancied up and started the evening at Stack at the Mirage.
I’ve gotta say that the food was quite possibly the best food I’ve had ever. Ever. But to be honest, this might have affected my judgment slightly:
That was a pineapple something martini drink. All I know is that it tasted good, cost $14 (gag) and got me druuuuuuuunk. Hence my dwittering (drunk twittering). Even now, rereading the dwittering, I’m laughing my ass off! Good times, good times…
After getting wasted on one drink and singing karaoke to the 80′s songs playing on the restaurant speakers (did I mention that this is a nice restaurant that cost us $600+ for seven people? Totally appropriate to belt out the classics at dinner, right?), we headed across the street to Tao, a nightclub at the Venetian.
Because we had
dressed skimpily enough at the pool befriended a club promoter earlier that morning, we scored VIP access to a bunch of clubs. That VIP access entitled us to two awesome things: (1) skipping the line to enter the club, and (2) … wait for it … wait for it … FREE DRINKS.
Oh, no. You heard correctly.
We settled down in the VIP area, which apparently they let you hang out in until someone is rich enough to actually spend
hundreds thousands of dollars on bottle service. But we soon realized that the free drinks ended at some particular point in time causing all of us to drink cocktails like they were the free samples at Costco.
At one point, I even remember someone (Brain Twin!) getting shots for us all. I said to myself “This is a baaaaad idea” and even took three sips before the shot was down my gullet.
And boy. It did turn out to be a BAD idea.
Brain Twin, on the other hand, decided that since two of the girls had
decided to dance with the naked chicks in the bathtubs disappeared, that she would drink not one, not two, but three of the shots herself. How she didn’t go in an alcohol-induced coma that night, I’ll never know.
Oh, wait. Did I not mention the half-naked chicks that were, like, EVERYWHERE?
So it’s totally bad enough having some hot, scantily-clad waitress walking around and I get the whole sexy go-go dancer deal, but this club had not only two women wearing only rose petals on their boobs (god only knows how they were staying on there) in a bathtub in the middle of the dance floor, but there was also good old-fashioned girl-on-girl action on a BED located in between bars.
Apparently the family-friendly Vegas has picked up and moved to the ‘burbs.
Anyway, back to the story (which has now turned in to the Great American Novel, I apologize). So at this point, I am druuuuuuuuunk. We make our way to the dance floor but it’s way too crowded and we eventually find ourselves invited into a VIP booth with a bunch of dudes from Chicago. I have given up drinking at this point because nothing screams HAWT like an almost 30-year-old mom yacking up her dinner on some dude in a club.
But I’m not gonna lie. There may have been some licking going on.
And apparently all that lounging around in bed together made Mrs. J want to make-out with me (or the Bachelorette, it’s hard to distinguish from this photo and god knows that I don’t even remember taking that photo!)…
At some point, I made the decision to “break the seal” (you ladies know what I’m talking about) and made my way to the bathrooms. Now, get this. The bathrooms at this place have SEE-THROUGH DOORS.
Let’s let that sink in for a minute.
The bathroom doors are clear glass until you lock the door and then *POOF* it turns opaque! Pretty bad ass awesome, but let’s just say that when you are three sheets to the wind, you get a little paranoid that your drunk ass won’t turn the lock all the way and you’ll be giving a free show to everyone on the dance floor.
Luckily, there are already enough naked ladies out there to distract anybody, you know, with eyes that work…
Since this post is RIDICULOUSLY long, Installment Three of the Vegas Bachelorette Trip Saga to include: how boys in Vegas are racist or whatever against married women, how I amazingly made it back to the hotel without vomiting in the taxi, my new-found sobriety and just missing David Spade at the sushi restaurant.
Song title: Remembering Part Two (new Day) by Thin Lizzy