Random Funk

8 Feb

And by “funk”, I mean “funkiness”. Can I get a what what?! Okay, I’ll stop now…

Since I am bone dry of any sort of creativity at all, I’ve decided to take some time today to tell you all sorts of things that you’ve never needed and/or wanted to know about me.

1. I was, and always will be, a cheerleader.
804611233_l I began cheering when I was like eight years old and continued through high school. In fact, I was CAPTAIN of the cheer squad my senior year of high school. (Okay, co-captain, but captain just sound so much more prestigious…)

Don’t get me wrong, though. I was not popular. No boys ever asked me out and I didn’t even have a date for prom (even though my boyfriend was there…with HIS date. Long story.). So don’t believe all the Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne bullshit about the cheerleaders being all perfect and having it all. Because it’s bull. shit.

2. I don’t eat blue things.
Blue foods are just not natural. I don’t bother telling me that blueberries are blue because obviously Fruit Namer McJoe is colorblind; they are obviously purple. And gross anyway.

And it’s no use trying to convince me that neon orange Cheetos aren’t natural. Because they are delicious.

My logic just can’t be beat.

3. Do Huggies come in size 12?
This is more about Bee than me, but at just a few months shy of 3 years old, Bee shows absolutely no desire to potty train. Like NONE. And we’ve tried everything: candy incentives, toy incentives, cool musical toilets (which, no fair, right? MY toilet doesn’t sing when I piss…). Her best friend even pees on the potty already and Bee is all, “Good for you. Hey mom? I just shit myself again. Clean it up, kthnxbai.”

I’m just hoping to get her potty trained by high school. Or college.

4. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
Despite my obvious awesomeness, I may be one of the most insecure people I know. Especially when it comes to relationships (friendships, really). I’m constantly wondering if my friends like me or simply just put up with me. Totally healthy, right?

One of my morbid concerns is that when I die, no one will bother to come to my funeral. I’m totally convinced that I’ll just be all gorgeous and floating around, waiting to see who arrives and who is crying the most (I’ll haunt that person the least), but only like five people will show up. So you fuckers have been warned: I will torture your ass from beyond if you don’t come to worship celebrate my life after I croak.

Luckily, I have some friends that not only know all my craziness but love me anyway! For that I am soooo thankful. Love you to the moon and back!

5. Hi. My name is Mama Bee and I’m addicted to the Interwebs. (HI MAMA BEE!)
Seriously. Like if my friends email or Facebook me and I don’t respond within five minutes, they send out search parties. I often get “Is everything okay?!” emails and texts when people don’t hear from me for, gasp, an entire day! I find it hilarious and just a bit disturbing because, yes, I’ve checked Facebook about 54 times already while typing this post.

Okay, that’s all I have for now. If NickJr. doesn’t make me kill myself this morning, I’ll try to come up with something a little more interesting to write about!

Song title: Random Funk by Schnitt Acht

10 Responses to “Random Funk”

  1. kelly February 8, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    Oh, how you make me laugh. I was an athlete aka jock aka tomboy in high school and you cheerleader-giddy-about-everything-make-up-on-every-square-inch-of-your-skin types got on my nerves and I wanted to pull your bows out at any turn. Now my DD is a girly girl and could be a cheerleader 15 years from now so I’m starting to warm up to the concept of sisk-boom-bah. :)

  2. Pearl Wisdom February 8, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    There is OBVIOUSLY some correlation between late potty training and astounding brilliance because at 2 1/2 TJ is showing no “potty readiness” signs either. I too have tried ev.ry.thing. But, she will say things like this… as I am coming towards her with a diaper before putting her to bed… “Im going to poop in that diaper!” great. thanks for letting me know. Me ~ “Do you want to try to poo poo in the potty?” TJ ~ “No thank you.” At least she will be polite when her guidance counselor is changing her diaper in college.

    And, I ♥ you!!! (<— that's for #4)

  3. donna February 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm #

    My B is 3 years and almost 3 months and also refuses to use the potty. She knows how it works but seems to just prefer her diaper for now. I’m trying not to freak and pressure her, but I’m getting really impatient.

  4. Arla-Shay February 8, 2010 at 6:45 pm #

    If it makes you feel any better, M is only potty trained if she gets to run around with her pants off. She pisses her pants or underwear EVERY time I try to make the transition. At least Bee has made up her mind about how she’s playing this one. ;)

    <3

  5. Erin February 8, 2010 at 9:10 pm #

    I am totally with you on #2 (er…not the Huggies #2, the food #2. Okay, this is getting gross). I like anything red and cherry flavored: Jolly Ranchers, Lik-m-Aid, you name it! SO delicious!

    And you never respond to any of my annoying comments of FB, Twitter, or here, but I will still come to your funeral…if I am invited.

  6. Midori February 9, 2010 at 8:34 am #

    Years ago some celebrity was on a talk show and he had a little daughter who was pushing back on the whole potty training thing. His thought was that this was actually good, that he was never going to potty train his daughter, thus, keeping disgusting boys from dating her. Discuss. On the funeral thing – I pretty much am okay with my family stuffing my ashes into a coffee can and putting me behind a 7-11 somewhere so people can put their cigarettes out on me. No – actually I’m donating my body to science, and I don’t care if medical students put flowers in my pooper. It’s a good cause.

  7. Dad February 10, 2010 at 10:14 am #

    WE like you.
    And, on the subject of funerals….
    “No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.” – Michael Pritchard

    • Mama Bee February 10, 2010 at 10:43 am #

      That’s it, Dad! My funeral will now officially be held in Hawaii! No excuses :)

  8. Opal February 14, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    I was starting to look for prom dresses that would
    hide my daughters diaper! My 3 and a few months
    old daughter showed no interest and was pretty
    defiant about it. She is potty trained now, at 31/2. It’s
    the most annoying thing people can say “it’ll
    just happen one day” but it will.

  9. Jennie February 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm #

    1. Me too! But I was popular. (HA, kidding. Sort of.)

    2. Most fruit is gross and squishy.

    3. Not looking forward to it with Baby A.

    4. Oh Mom to Bee. We LOVE you!

    5. This is why I like you. I hate people who are SOOOO Busy and can’t answer email in a timely fashion (within 10 minutes).

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