Program Director

2 May

As my parenting techniques consist mostly of PBS, Disney Jr, Nick Jr and whatever other “Jr.”s are out there, I’ve been increasingly annoyed at an abundance of kids programming on tv. Here are just a few things I’ve noticed:

- As I’ve posted on Facebook, Dino Dan is obviously suffering from a psychotic break and desperately needs to be on anti-hallucinogenic medication. The only redeeming feature of this show is how totally annoyed the adults seem to be with Dan and his dinosaur obsession.

- As proof of Dino Dan’s ridiculousness of a show, please view exhibit #1: the worst ventriloquist EVER.

- If Little Bear’s parents are fully clothed in human clothing, why do they let their child run around naked everywhere?

- On that note, why does Special Agent Oso wear full pajamas for sleeping, but rocks out with his, um, bear out only wearing a vest when on his special missions?

- Sid the Science Kid’s family is obviously on mushrooms.

- How do the Bubble Guppies light campfires underwater?

- Does the map on Dora the Explorer have short term memory loss or OCD? If no, then why does he have to repeat “I’m the map!” 800 times per episode? Is it some sort of behavioral therapy?

- The writers of Strawberry Shortcake really need to peruse the Urban Dictionary: last week Strawberry sat down at a cafe and ordered a “tossed salad”. She then was very specific about how she liked her “tossed salad”.

- LazyTown is the shit nightmares are made of.

- Dear Super Why, You can’t just CHANGE fairy tales to fit your stupid problem. Changing the words/story negates whatever stupid lesson they are trying to teach you in the first place! Dumb ass.

- Stitch, from Lilo & Stitch, is the WORST role model for children in a movie EVER! I’d rather have my children watch Saw.

- Finally, of course, the #1 mystery plaguing children’s television: why the hell doesn’t Cailou have any hair?? And is every character on the show related because they are all the exact same person, with different hair.

So those are mine. What kid’s shows confuse/irritate/drive you to drink and why?

Song title: Program Director by Oars of Evolution

6 Responses to “Program Director”

  1. Jamie May 2, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    After putting up with that VOICE all day Caillou’s mom must drink like a fish. She pretends to be all patient with that whiny brat but the minute the camera crew leaves their house I am sure she is beating the crap out of him. Wonder Pets, however, is the show that makes me want to throw my TV out the window. It is no longer allowed on in this house due to the annoying voices!!! My children are mostly just allowed to watch Housewives of Orange County, New Jersey and Atlanta.

  2. Rick May 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

    Wrote a long post — lost it — argh. Abbrev version:
    X-men and GI Joe good. Everything on Disney and Nick JR is crap.
    Sid the Science Kid = remedial
    Wonder Pets and Word World themes hurt my brain.
    Jake and the Neverland Pirates – every show same
    Introduce item
    Hook steals item
    Jake and crew steal back
    Have to use Pixie dust to escape (Tinkerbell likely locked up somewhere and tortured for Dust production).
    Hook and Smee end up in life boat.
    Kids count treasure and gloat.
    Pirates lip synch — badly.
    Repeat.

  3. Leigh May 3, 2012 at 8:56 am #

    Dirt Girl World. What the fuck?

    • Mama Bee May 3, 2012 at 9:00 am #

      Right?! Hallucinogens much?

  4. Rachael May 3, 2012 at 11:04 am #

    Where are Max & Ruby’s parents??? They seem to be alone all the time except for when their Grandmother comes over. Also, Max ALWAYS has the answer… will Ruby ever decide to actually listen to him?

    Why the hell doesn’t Dora’s shirt fit right? Can’t her parents get her a new shirt that doesn’t have her belly peeking out all the time?

    Why is Toodee on Yo Gabba Gabba such a bitch?

  5. Evangeline May 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    I don’t believe for a SECOND the writers weren’t aware of the innuendo associated with “tossed salad.” Not for a second.

    I’ve heard “tea bag” used as a verb in a children’s setting, as well. Though… it might have been me saying it…

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