Pandora’s Box(es)

2 Jul

This week all of that crack in my youth must be catching up to me because I decided that it was time to start unpacking some of the boxes from our move.

Yes, it’s been almost a year since we moved. Your point?

So, when we were house hunting last year, we found a house that wouldn’t accept a contingent offer. Okay, technically the Sellers wouldn’t accept a contingent offer. I suspect that the house itself couldn’t give a shit.

When we realized that we would need to get our house on the market like yesterday, instead of selectively packing things and tossing useless crap that we didn’t want to take to the next house, we literally threw all of our belongings in random cardboard boxes and labeled them the best we could.

Seriously, we have boxes in our garage that are labeled “Charcoal BBQ – Pregnancy Pillow – Tupperware – Medical Supplies”.

Really, though? How the fuck did all those things manage to get in to the same box?!

Needless to say, now that we’ve gotten all of our day-to-day things unpacked, we’ve got a huge wall of boxes in our garage that still need to be sorted and, most likely, thrown away or sold at a garage sale. I’ve begun the process of slowly tearing down that wall of boxes in the hopes of maybe, someday, not being totally embarrassed when I open the garage door in front of people.

So far, I’ve discovered a few things about myself during the unpacking process:

I am a fucking pack rat.
I always thought I was so good at throwing stuff away, but apparently not. Especially when in comes to my business. I guess at some point I decided that I should keep every. single. wedding magazine I could get my hands on. Between those and my copious notes and projects from law school, I’m pretty sure that I single-handedly have killed approximately three rain forests. Sorry about that, Earth. My bad.

Throwing things away makes me feel REALLY guilty.
How do you possibly balance wanting to keep things from your childhood with trying to not be a pack rat? Sure, I want my kids to be able to see and touch cool old things, but does that mean that I really need to keep those ugly Christmas dishes that I’ll never use or some random picture frame that I got from a family friend when I was 12? I am striving for a clutter-free existence, but I feel some horrible Catholic guilt when I chuck some random thing my Grandmother gave me when I was six. And I’m not even Catholic!!

I LOVE finding old shit that I’ve forgotten about.
Every time I remember my old LiveJournal that I started in law school, I could easily spend HOURS surfing through entries, guffawing at these old stories and posts that only I (and maybe one other person) would find amusing. But when you throw in old scrapbooks, photos and whatnot from my college days? Fo’getta ’bout it. Mr. Bee gets so irritated when unpacking one box takes an hour because I’ve found some hilarious item that I must go through before continuing the job.

This unpacking thing could take a while…

Speaking of hilarious shit I’ve found while unpacking our boxes of crap, check this out:
And my 15 minutes starts...NOW.
This is my university’s daily newspaper (hence, the original name of “the Daily”). You might be asking yourself, “who is that HAWT young filly with the chic Sharon Stone from Sphere haircut?”

Or you might be asking yourself, “that’s a GIRL on the front page? She really needs to talk to her stylist…”

If that’s the case, then fuck you. But if you went with the first question, here’s your answer:
Don't ask me about the hair...
Yeah, buddy. That’s me! I forgot that one question you might ask yourself is “What the FUCK is she doing with that apple?!”

So this photo was taken during a competition between dorms my junior year of college. Here I am “apple-necking” (otherwise known as passing an apple down a line of people by only using your neck/chin). I don’t think we won that competition, but you might as well know that you are in the presence of some serious talent.

That’s right. I won the Spam carving contest.

I’ll wait a second for the shock and awe of my phenomenal success and talent to sink in…

Has your jealousy subsided yet? Don’t worry, it never will.

I won 1st place in the Spam carving contest by shaving down a block of Spam until it resembled my dorm building, complete with covered bike racks. I have to say, it was quite impressive.

Are you proud of my intellectual college achievements, Mom and Dad? Money well spent.

I’m going to start training Bee in the Fluffy Bunny competition soon. Mama’s got a legacy to maintain.

Song title: Pandora’s Box by Aerosmith

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