Mom to Bee

I’m not very shy or modest when it comes to discussing my body.

Shocking, I know. I’ll give you a minute to really let that breaking news sink in…

Wanna hear about my explosive diarrhea, butt cameras or how long it took to sew up my vagina after Bee’s birth? No problem.

Even more shocking is that there actually is something that embarrasses the fuck out of me. That thing is…my jacked up belly button.

You see, before my womb became a porcelain chalice of crotch parasites, I looked a little something like this:

Okay, so that photo wasn’t exactly taken right before I became a baby machine. ::cough::so what if I’m only 18 years old in the picture::cough::

But do you see that tummy? That tiny, cute little belly button?

Well, after Bee, that belly button looked less like, uh, normal and more generally fucked up. Because Bee was my first baby, I just figured that us moms were doomed to having really ugly belly buttons after kids. I never really questioned it.

But after Bug was sliced and diced out of my stomach, I started harassing Mr. Bee more and more about my insecurity and wanting to have it fixed. And a tummy tuck. And a boob job.

You know, the regular.

Somehow through my Google medication education, I stumbled upon a lovely little term: umbilical hernia. Apparently, your belly button area is very susceptible to hernias because (1) it’s weaker there to begin with due to your own umbilical cord when you were all fetusy and (2) building in a kid in your abdomen kind of puts a little strain on, well, everything.

So my “huh, my belly button is really ugly” quickly was diagnosed by every doctor I’ve seen (except my OB/GYN who has seen said fucked-up-ness about 5 billion times and never mentioned anything) as an “oh yeah, you have a hernia!” within 1.2 seconds of seeing my stomach.

***WARNING: This photo even makes me throw up. If you comment anything but “I want to be like you when I grow up,” I will either become super stabby or dig a hole in my backyard and cry until I create a tear-filled water feature.***

Seriously, I can’t believe I just posted that on a public webpage. If anyone again ever insinuates that I am anything but upfront and honest of my blog, I will have to stab them in the eye with a dull spoon. You’ve been warned.

Anywho and whatnot, once a doctor said “would you like to have this fixed?” and I stopped dry humping their leg, I said “HELLS TO THE YES!” and now I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for…today.

That’s right y’all. As you sit on your comfy couch, snacking on a tasty morning croissant and coffee, I am starving to death fasting for my surgery and probably doing some last minute calculations on how many Xanax I can chew before the surgery without killing myself.

Hopefully I’ll be able to slip the doctor a $20 and get a little snip and tuck while he’s down there.

I mean, it’s totally reasonable to expect this kind of After Photo, right?

Song title: Belly Button Blues by Wee Hairy Beasties

“I love that jacket!”

Oh, thanks. It too could be yours for $10 at Le Tar-jay.

“You are just so bubbly! I love it!”

Heh heh. It’s probably the wine. Or the cocktails. Or you are crazy. One of those.

“You look so great!”

Me?! I’m a hot mess. A hot, stinky garbage mess.

See a pattern here?

Me + compliments = evade, duck, dodge, bob and weave, otherwise do anything and everything to avoid actually accepting said compliment.

For some reason, I’m guessing that some planets aligned or some shit, but everyone and their mother have been doling out the compliments like they are free condoms at Planned Parenthood.

I’ll take the cherry flavored, please.

And what’s my response?

“Uh. Um. Wow, what’s that over there?! It’s a cloud shaped like Mr. Snufflupagus in drag! Let’s change the subject, Yay!”

No matter who, what or where, I am totally convinced that the complimentee is, at best, indulging me and, at worst, making fun of me.

I mean, why would anyone compliment me? I’ve seen myself in the mirror. The empty floppy milk sacks. The jacked (and I mean JACKED) stomach…

That’s a post – and a surgery – for another day.

What is wrong with me? Are you this way, too? Please say yes so I don’t feel so broken.

And how, dear God HOW, do I learn how to say Thank You?

Song title: How Do We Say Thank You by Max Lucado

Me: Hey, Mr. Bee. This is weird. This article says that the Seals that killed Osama Bin Laden died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

Mr. Bee: Hmmm.

Bee: That IS weird! Seals shouldn’t be in a helicopter!! They should be in the water!

Me: ((laughing hysterically))

Song Title: From Mouth Of Babes by Old Californio

I’ve been pretty lucky in my life, especially when it comes to my children.

I can count on one hand how many times my heart has broken for my children. In fact, as far as Bee is concerned, it’s only happened twice.

The first time was when Bee declared to the extended family her intention to marry her seven-year-old cousin.

Yes, it’s her cousin. Yes, her cousin is a girl. But she’s four, so who really cares, right? If she insists that she will marry my niece and that they will have babies together and live next door to a Red Robin, more power to her!

But my sweet, poor niece had no idea how obsessed committed Bee is about this life plan of hers. So when my niece heard the declaration, her immediate reaction was, “What? I’m not gonna marry Bee! Don’t be silly!”

What happened next will forever be etched in my mind.

Immediately Bee turned toward me with confusion-filled eyes. Then, from the inside out, she absolutely crumbled under the thought of not being able to marry her beloved cousin.

I had never, and have never since, seen Bee so emotionally broken and it broke me to the core.

Don’t get me wrong, we got her cousin to rescind her comment and they are now planning their 2030 wedding.

But the heartbreaks continue.

Just the other day, Bee got the chance to play with a friend that she hasn’t seen for more than a year. For more than a year, these two played together all the time, but because of some recent mommy drama bullshit, I don’t expect that playdates will be scheduled any time soon.

But to see the girls, who immediately were drawn to each other and played together during the entire event, just broke my heart for my girl who doesn’t even realize why she doesn’t get to see her little friend anymore.

I know that the heartbreaks, for her and for me, are only beginning.

There will be boys breaking her heart, friends being total asshats and more drama than I can even imagine. I just hope that I can soften the heartbreak for her along the way.

Now if I could only figure out how to soften the heartbreak for me…

Song title: Breaks My Heart by Monica

As I sit down to watch the Bachelorette Season Finale with my Trader Joe’s noshes and full glass of wine, the butterflies are actually starting to conga in my stomach in anticipation! I’m gonna need some serious tissues at the end of this episode fo shizzle.

Immediately, we get to meet Ashley’s family, which consists of Mom, Stepdad, Brother and Evil Twin (not really a twin), Christy. I am personally really excited to see the sister bitch fest that the previews tease.

JP gets a new butt hole ripped
JP is the first sacrificial lamb led to the family slaughter. After some easy peasy questions, the family sits down to lunch, strangely all on one side of the table. Surprisingly, the couple get caught up on a soft ball question like “does he make you laugh?”

::crickets::

The editors aren’t fucking around and we immediately hear from Evil Sister that JP is not at all for Ashley. Immediately, insecure Ashley breaks down in to stuttering tears and obviously she puts a lot of weight in her sister’s opinion. Mom tries to referee the two, but Ashley’s “heart is broken” that her sister doesn’t think that he’s the one.

Instead of facilitating a chat with JP and Sis, Ashley breaks down more with Brother and complains and whines. Meanwhile, in order to shove my foot firmly in my mouth, Sister and JP sit down for a talk.

Sis: You don’t make her laugh, hereto therefore you suck.
JP: What the what?
Sis: You are old. What is wrong with you?
JP: Uh…Wha…Hmmm.
Sis: Brad was way more awesome than you.
JP: ((injured bunny face))

Ashley attempts to treat JP’s emotional wounds but she is basically blowing smoke up his ass. Ashley sends JP back to his hotel wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that the Sister Encounter From Hell won’t affect her decision-making.

Ben gets lubed up
Before Ben arrives to the firing squad, Ashley sits down with Sister and the two put everything on the table but I think the key phrase is when Ashley admits that Sis is telling her everything that Ashley is already thinking in her head.

Uh, duh. Sister is TOTALLY right in this scenario. I love the Ashley Crazy Emotional and Sister Totally Rational spectrum.

FINALLY, Ben, with wine in hand of course, meets the family and, more importantly, the Sister.

Ben really needs to stop the nervous tongue thing.

Before long the couple are doing their “dog voices” and dear gawd the first tears have started to stream. Luckily, they are happy laughing tears.

Ben sits down to interview talk with Sister. Basically, he hits out of the ballpark! He declares his love for Ashley and, while the cheesy music played, Ben logically explains his relationship and Sis definitely gives the seal of approval.

All the girls at my Finale Party agree: Ben is fucking adorable and we would like to lick him and be his girlfriend.

On Ashley’s date with Ben, the travel to an island in a…wait for it…helicopter.

Guess the pilot strike is over.

In order to work all up ladies up in to a tizzy, Ashley abuses the Bachelorette powers and schedules a date where she gets to cover Ben in mud. Quoting Ben, they were “lubing each other up…it’s really quite erotic.”

Oh, the dreams I’ll have tonight.

Upon arriving at Ben’s suite, Ben attempts to get Ashley plastered on champagne before he begins blubbering about, well, I don’t know. Just small talk shit in order to lead him to declaring his love for her.

And then they make out. And probably make love down by the fire.

JP bitches and whines. A lot.
Basically, the title says it all. The two begin their last date with a fight about Ashley’s Sister’s evaluation of their relationship. After some more whining, JP declares his love and suddenly morphs in to an Ashley clone, all needy and pathetic.

Back at the suite, JP surprises her with a metro sexual scrapbook with a sappy dedication to her.

Anybody else convinced that if Ashley chooses Ben, that JP will likely jump off the nearest cliff?

Before Ashley wakes up on the final day, we suspect a few different scenes will be forthcoming:

- pajamas, coffee, on a bench, staring contemplatively
- standing on a balcony, leaning over the rail, staring at the water, deep in thought (Arla-Shay trademark!)
- bikini, sarong, walking on the beach
- staring thoughtfully at JP’s stupid scrapbook that only has one photo (obviously)

We missed out on the journal writing (how could we have missed that?!) but totally scored on the bikini with slutty sarong beach walk!

Enter jewelry peddler and ridiculously expensive rings.

Also, JP has weirdly colored nipples.

Both men fly via Kenmore Air to Ashley, who is waiting patiently in a beach bonfire site.

Oh mah gawd, I’m having a fucking heart attack here, y’all. WHO IS SHE GOING TO PICK?!?!?!

What. The. Fuck.

If Ashley seriously says no to Ben I hope she dies a slow and painful death.

Oh and now he’s bringing up his dead father. Holy shit. This is gonna be bad. Before Ashley can stop sucking her bottom lip, Ben stops her and goes about the business of proposing.

And all Ashley has to say after Ben proposes is that it was a hard for her.

And then he turns and walks away. FUCKING RAD.

He pretty much shuts her down completely and tells her not to sugar coat it when she says how “interesting” he is.

Ashley is a fucking idiot. And poor Ben. I hope he gets to cash in the ring.

My heart is breaking for him. JP is such a tool.

After that Ben bullshit, out of the plane comes JP, literally with ring box in hand.

JP and Ashley are so meant for each other. If they don’t break up 6 weeks from now, they will both self-destruct in to a blackhole of insecurity.

So blah blah blah he loves her, she loves him, he proposes, she gets a ridiculously huge rock.

Really, Bachelorette? REO Speedwagon? Jesus.

At least it’s not Wings of Love anymore.

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Episode 9

HELICOPTERS!! They brought back helicopters! Oh, shit. It was a sea plane. Dammit.

After what seems like five hundred years of flashbacks, Ashley primps for her date with Ben when who knocks on the door?

Ryan, the Tree Hugger!

He is convinced that he and Ashley just need a second chance and from the strange look on his face, I’m pretty sure he is going to murder her puppy if she doesn’t give him another try.

What comes next is a horribly embarrassing diatribe about how they didn’t have a chance for their love to bloom. He gives her his hotel information (which, by his walk back to his room, appears to be the adjacent suite) and then leaves her to think about whether she wants to spend more time with him or not.

To get back on track, Ashley meets up with Ben for the first one-on-one on a quaint little boat.

I’m on a mother fuckin’ boat

Once they are out on the water, Ashley and Ben lube each other up with suntan lotion and it becomes crystal clear that Ashley wants to jump Ben’s bones something awful.

Who doesn’t?! I want to lick his face.

Seriously, Arla-Shay and I spent the entire date stealing glances back and forth to convey our immeasurable lust love for Ben, the Wine Guy.

And don’t even get me started on the evening portion of the date. I’m not even shitting you, my heart was beating when he was floundering around how he was going to proclaim his love for her.

Then, THEN, Ashley invites Ben to the Fantasy Suite so Ben “can show her how he feels.”

With his manhood

After a quick dip in the pool, Ashley’s lady boner leads them in to the bedroom…

Cue train entering tunnel, volcanoes erupting, fireworks exploding

Six hours after fucking Ben, Ashley meets up with Constantinople and they head off to tour the island in a…wait for it…

HELICOPTER!!!

And after touring the island a while, the helicopter cruises right over where Tree Hugger is chillin’ on the beach.

Most embarrassingly hilarious moment in Bachelorette history. Except for the mask guy. And Corky’s entire family. And Ashley’s wardrobe…

After saying for the billionth time that her and Constantinople’s relationship is progressing slowly, the two of them sit down for dinner and Ashley’s version of the Spanish Inquisition.

And in a painfully non-dramatic fashion, Constantine and Ashley discuss their feelings like adults and it comes down to him not being in love with her. Ashley, not getting the gist of what he’s conveying, needs to be told flat out that he is choosing to leave the “journey”.

Why does everyone call it a JOURNEY?! How about calling it a mother fucking game show?

Although I totally hate Constantinople and his face, many props to him for being upfront and honest about having a lack of feelings for Ashley. I mean, the rest of us realized it four weeks ago, but sooner rather than later is always good. And if Ashley was really honest with herself, and the camera, she’s acknowledge a complete lack of tears over the whole mess.

After such a disappointing evening with Constantine, Ashley decides to visit Ryan down the hall.

Ryan reminds me of a bunny with ADHD on crack in a kindergarten class bathed in pixie sticks. In an insane asylum.

And after an immensely long period of Joker-esque smiling, Ashley breaks his heart yet again. And sends his Fuji-visiting ass home tout de suite.

Don’t worry, Ryan. It’ll happen. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.

It’ll happen.

I’m not fucking with you. He said it four times. In a row.

Bouncing like a little girl and dressed up like a slutty Sacajawea, Ashley greets Cupcake and they head off on a float plane to…tour the island and see the exact same shit she did with Constantine.

But, you know, it was perFACT.

“She’s gonna fuck the shit out of him tonight. If she doesn’t, I will.” I’ll leave the speaker of that statement a mystery.

After a hike through the jungle in heels the biggest sparkly earrings I’ve ever seen, Ashley sits down with JP to reveal this week’s secrets – Constantine and Jake.

First Ashley says that she said goodbye to TWO guys yesterday, which is the meanest thing ever. I’m sure that for that split second JP totally thought that he was the last man standing. After the explanation, though, he’s glad that the dudes are gone and super glad that Bentley was the guy to come back.

You and I both, Cupcake. You and I both.

Upon reading the Fantasy Suite invitation, Cupcake turns a bright red and nervously responds, “uh, yeah I’m good with that!”

Luckily, the Fantasy Suite is different from the one Ashley had with Ben. So the maid didn’t have to put new sheets on the bed.

Because we all know Ashley and JP did the nasty. I mean, duh.

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever
In order to waste the last fifteen minutes of the show, Our Beloved Host and Bachelorette have their little weekly powwow and put a lot more importance on this rose ceremony than is really needed.

After dramatically putting Constantinople’s photo face down on the Wall O’ Bachelors, Ashley stares lovingly and awkwardly at Ben and JP’s photos before staring contemplatively off in to the distance.

Upon arriving at the rose ceremony, Ashley explains the Constantine situation for Ben’s benefit, since he is pretty much the only one on set who is not clued in.

She also explains the significance of the roses tonight. Basically, don’t accept the rose unless you are on the path to engagement with her.

What the hell is she wearing on her finger?! It looks like a See’s candy wrapped in beads.

Here’s a shocker: Both Ben and JP accepted the roses.

Coming up on Sunday: THE MEN TELL ALL!!! And then Monday: THE SEASON FINALE!!! Aaaaaaaah!!

Who do you think Ashley should choose????

For those of you who don’t know me personally or intimately even (not that way! Geesus, get your head out of the gutter…wink, wink, nudge, nudge), might not know that despite my dirty mouth and dirtier mind, I am actually quite the square.

Like I didn’t drink until I was properly 21 years old square.

That made up for losing my virginity at the age of 9.

KIDDING! Geez. I was 10.

What can I say? My mommy raised me right.

My mommy also raised me with a substantial guilt complex, which makes the next part of my story make a lot more sense.

I realized recently that I have been heading down a slippery slope. A slope in to the underworld of our society.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating at all.

I am a thief.

It first began with some Facebook ranting about a local fancy pants movie theater that has recently changed it’s format to not as fancy pantsy. Have I gone to the new theater? Well, uh, no. Did that stop me from bitching about it on their Facebook page? Of course not, silly!

So what did the theater do? Comp me a free ticket TWO free tickets to check out the theater!

Oh, the guilt is washing over me like something that washes over someone. Nausea? Sorry, I left my thesaurus at home.

“That’s not a big deal,” you say. “Squeaky wheel and whatnot.”

Okay, sure. I’ll give you that one.

But then I stole from Amazon.

For shame.

You see, we bought this new bottle brush for cleaning Bug’s fifty hundred bottles and kind of, um, forgot that we had it shipped to our PO Box, which we check, I don’t know, once every three years or so. So when we didn’t receive it in the mail, there I was again “bitch bitch bitch! Where’s my shit, Amazon!? You suck my lady balls!”

A few days later…POOF! A new bottle brush was delivered tout de suite.

And then we visited the Post Office.

And found our originally ordered bottle brush.

Seriously, people. It’s like I’m a fucking mob boss or something.

But that’s not even the worst story!

Remember back when I was on my tank top shopping sprees?

Who are we kidding? I’m still obsessed. I’ve worn like six in the last two days.

Well, I was going to buy Mr. Bee a tee shirt for the local NBA team but found out at the counter that I couldn’t use my Groupon for it.

::cough::bullshit::cough::

Upon discovering that I would have to spend actual money (what the what?!), I politely declined to purchase said tee shirt. I believe my exact words were, “Seriously?! Pa-shaw, no thanks. We will not be buying the tee shirt, thankyouverymuch.”

But then…

when I got home…

They had forgotten to take the shirt out of the bag after they took it off my bill!

I’m so going to hell. You know, if I believed in it.

I’m not shitting you, I actually contemplated driving back to the store to return it until pretty much every single person I have ever met (Really, Father McCallahan?) told me that I would be a total idiot if I went back to the store.

But I feel so much guilt over these tiny little indiscretions.

At this point all of said products couldn’t be returned even if I wanted to…

Amazon doesn’t want a used bottle brush??!!

…but I can’t help but think this behavior is one step away from starting my very own meth lab in my kitchen and peddling drugs to preschoolers.

Or do preschoolers prefer ecstasy?

Song title: The Thief by Brooke Frasere

This last weekend, Mr. Bee and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary.

I’ll hold for your applause…

I totally thought, “Yay for us! We are so bad ass!” and then the waitress at dinner pointed out a couple who was celebrating their 44th anniversary.

Way to rain on my parade, lady.

Anywho, Mr. Bee and I had a totally awesome time. And also realized how ridiculously exhausted and parents-of-two-young-children we are.

First, we visited the newly-remodeled iPic (formerly Gold Class) Cinema in Redmond. After being a total bitch complaining about the business format changes, the VP of Marketing kindly offered to treat us on our first visit back post-makeover.

And, as if that wasn’t enough to make me feel horribly guilty about complaining on Facebook, then they (1) wished us a happy anniversary every 2.9 seconds, (2) treated us like fucking royalty, and (3) comped our entire bill!! Talk about best anniversary present ever!! (Sorry Mr. Bee)

Even better, it was a great opportunity to visit the new establishment, which, to be honest and in no way bias due to the super awesomeness of being comped, is not that different from the previous business model. Sure, there aren’t the call buttons which will be sorely missed. This leads to, I think, more interruptions during the first 20 minutes of the show when you can still order from the waitress. But besides that, if you are going to shell out the cash to be the premium plus VIP super awesome seat ticket holder or whatever they call it, I don’t see a huge difference in service or experience.

My one complaint, though, was something I don’t think I could forgive any company for, let alone my beloved Gold Class…

They switched popcorn vendors.

That’s right folks. Pull your jaw off the floor. The wonderful, fantastical, mouth-wateringly delicious white cheddar popcorn that I crave and look forward to every visit?

It’s. Gone.

I would’ve rather they kick me in my lady bits.

And the new popcorn is in this plastic bag that I stared at all movie thinking, “gawd, I want to eat that but if I open it now, everyone watching Ron and Hermoine play tonsil hockey will stone me to death in the public, albeit super fancy, town square.”

But I seriously digress.

After the movie, we checked in to our hotel because, guess what? My folks watched the crotch parasites overnight! Woooo to the mother fuckin whooooooo!

And when we got the hotel, did we make sweet love down by the fire? Did we whisper sweet nothings in to each other’s ears?

Nope. We took a nap.

Then we went out for a fantastic dinner, which we couldn’t really enjoy because we had each our weight in food at iPic. Once we got back to the hotel, we pondered the night’s options. Another movie? Stay in and get a movie on pay-per-view ($19 to rent Source Code?! You’ve got to be kidding me!)?

And then we fell asleep.

At like 9 pm.

It was the best anniversary weekend EVAR.

Song title: Anniversary by Tony!Toni!Tone!

ABC’s The Bachelorette – episode 8

This week’s episode began with an extra long “last week(s) on the Bachelorette,” sucking us in to watching everything that we just saw recapped…last week and the last 7 weeks.

Cumming in Georgia
Really, Constantine? You live in a town called Cumming? Was the name Splooging already taken by a neighboring town?

I really don’t know what it is, but I do not trust Constantinople.

That’s right, people. I stole finally came up with a nickname for him with only weeks until the end of the season.

Despite Ashley’s assertion that this “stud” and her have some amazing chemistry, their small talk seems more sterile than my urine. Honestly, the best part of the Greek Pizzeria visit was the huge waitress pyramid rubbernecking out the window.

Obviously, Constantinople’s family is suffering from the economy. I mean, did you see that chandelier? Obviously not the high end model.

Fuck, Constantinople. How about that sister? She’s freaking adorable!! Obviously the attractive genes went to her.

After some serious “don’t take things too quickly” talk, the entire Constantinople clan arrives to the house, ending in some table dancing and his dad shoving bills in Ashley’s underroos.

That’s what happened, right?

This is like home to me.
First off, I’m pretty sure that Corky is Amish. But I’m not entirely sure that this is his hometown since he said “this is like home to me.”

HOLY SHIT! Did you see his family?! The Corky gene definitely runs through the family tree! But on a good note, Corky looks practically NORMAL compared to his siblings. I fear that his sister’s jaw is going to unhinge and she’s going to swallow Ashley whole like an alien snake. And don’t even get me started on serial killer brother. If I were Ashley, I’d be all “Fuck the onion layers. Unless there is a hawt dude hanging out under all the Corky-ness, peace out, y’all.”

Until I saw the indoor pool, that is. What the hell do all these families do for a living?! I’m starting to question the “unexpected” deaths of Corky’s dad and step dad…

Insurance fraud, anyone?”

Snake Sister suggests to Corky that he show his full self to Ashley.

Full monty?

In order to…expose himself(?), Corky takes Ashley to his “favorite tree” in the local garden. Seriously? Does he just go solo picnicking every day? Maybe the tree was his only friend while he was in high school.

I had to choke down my edamame hummus when they started sucking face. I mean, could you imagine the foreheads on their offspring?! It’s be like Dr. Phil and the SNL Coneheads had a baby.

Gimme wine.
Ashley visits Wine Guy in…wait for it…wine country – Sonoma, California! Because I love Ben so much, I’m dropping the Wine Guy for a moment, in hopes that he will cyber-fall-in-love-with-me and drop that zero and get with the hero.

The hero is me. Just clarifying for y’all.

FINALLY, Ash is hanging out with someone that she has actual chemistry with.

I’m sure the bottles of wine don’t hurt either.

As if I didn’t love Ben enough, then he started talking about his mom being a “cool girl” and his late father…omgkillmenow.

When they finally go visit Ben’s mom and sister, we learn that FINALLY there is a Bachelor whose family doesn’t own a small plantation. You know, besides the vineyard and winery.

I totally love Ben’s family and I won’t lie, the death stare that his sister gave Ashley while they were hugging? CLASSIC! The look said “hurt my brother and I will stab you in the eye, bitch face.”

And just as I was getting all catty and feisty, Ben starts talking to the camera about how much he misses his dad and goddammit this reality show has made me cry!

I’m a sucker for dead people.

“Why did it have to be sunny?!”
Cupcake takes his adorability factor to an 11 when he brings Ashley to the roller rink for a skating date!

Personally, my wet dream. See: my 30th birthday party.

While I love Cupcake to death (albeit, not as much as Ben), all that old relationship talk got old and blah blah blah yawn…sorry, I fell asleep there for a minute.

Ashley finally meets Cupcake’s family at the shack. No really, they live in a totally normal house, it is just ridiculous the difference between his house and Constantinople’s. Makes me like him more, honestly.

His family seems very nice, although his mother seems strangely preoccupied with buttons. Lots of buttons. But Mrs. McLikesButtonsALot is super blunt and asks JP straight out if he loves her and would he propose to her! As Mr. Bee wisely points out, no one in his family gives Cupcake any sense of self-confidence. It’s more like “ZOMG, you are totally going to get your heart broken. But you can come back home and live with mommy and sew more buttons on to my cardigan.”

Finally, Mom and Ashley hug it out with a “I think you’re great!” “No, I think you’re great!” competition.

Then we top it all off with a Kirk Cameron-esque 80’s bar mitzvah photo. Did I mention it was practically life size?

Mom’s a little too attached. I’m wondering if that photo hangs on her ceiling?

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever
Why no more cocktail parties? How are they supposed to support their budding alcoholism?

Sidenote: the back of Ashley’s dress just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

And the roses go to: Ben.

The end. Shut off the television. Show’s over.

Okay, fine. There are other guys too…Cupcake gets a rose, followed by…

“Gentlemen. Ashley. It’s the final rose tonight.”

Constantinople!

DAMMIT! Ames/Corky gets sent packing!

First of all, is someone going to explain to Ames what just happened? I swear he has a perma-concussion. He is just always clueless!

Not to beat a dead horse, but I’m convinced that Ames is one of those people who accidentally had a railroad spike shot in to his head and in fifty years the doctors will look back wondering how he sufficiently functioned in society.

Next week on the Bachelorette: Eh, I didn’t pay attention. I’m sure they go somewhere tropical and something really dramatic happens.

ABC’s The Bachelorette – Episode 7 (last week’s episode because I can’t get two minutes to rub together nowadays to blog, my sweet and patient readers!)

Traveling to Taiwan
Ashley and the boys are now on their way to the hidden jewel of Asia, Taiwan. Ashley informs us that “not very many people know about it”…

…except anyone who has ever looked at a label to see where something was made. Or the 23 million people who live there.

Really Ashley?! Just when you think she couldn’t say anything dumber than last week…

Chris Harrison addresses the remaining six bachelors from roughly a football field away, informing them that this week there will be FOUR dates – three one on ones and one group date, which will be the only rose date.

Cupcake is already getting possessive, in a good way, about sharing Ashley with the other guys.

Wait until the sloppy seconds fantasy suite dates. That dude is gonna foam at the mouth.

“Let your love light shine”
Constantine gets the first one on one date and Ashley arrives decked out in 5-inch heels and a shirt that features this week’s body part: her back. I foresee a lot more backless shirts in our future…

Because of said stilts she was wearing or because she is a five year old, Constantine had to give her a piggy back ride.

VIMMAL

Ever the egotist, Constantine asks Ashley why he is on the date, what does she sees in him?

EXCELLENT question.

When Ash says that he is exactly what she is attracted to (which, barf, am I right?), you can see Constantine’s head inflate with hot air.

He’s totally a slimy version of Wine Guy, by the way.

However, Ashley, upon letting go of her love wish lantern (I’m hoping her love wish was about Cupcake), declares that the date was just “per-fact.”

You know, except for the dog peeing on the love wish lantern.

“Let’s spend a gorges day in Taiwan”
Wine Guy meets Ashley at a state park and the two hop on a moped to cruise a massive gorge.

Are the helicopter pilots on strike this season?

Later that evening, wearing my 8th grade dance dress, Ashley references the wine Wine Guy brought her the first night. Seriously, Ash. He. Owns. A. Vineyard.

Case closed. Game over. MARRY HIM!

After almost declaring his love for her, Ashley confesses to the camera that she is falling in love with Wine Guy too and feels like he’s already her boyfriend!

And then Wine Guy doesn’t return back to the bachelors’ suite until morning!

Squeee!

Ben and Ashley, sitting in a tree…

“I’m grooming you for the big day”
The lucky bachelors, Will Forte, Corky and Cupcake, join Ashley on the group date with the only date rose available this week.

Upon opening the group date invite, Tree Hugger realizes that he finally has a one-on-one date with Ashley and blows his load all over the other bachelors.

At the group date, because the fake wedding with Prince William wasn’t awkward enough, the three men have to dress up in costume and take wedding photos with Ashley.

::rolls eyes::

Will Forte is decked out in a classic Taiwanese dress thingy. Corky looks like he’s wearing a tux from the Liberace collection. And Cupcake is in…a tux.

Basically the whole date was Cupcake bitching about having to watch Ashley kiss the other two guys. If it wasn’t awkward enough, there is the only date rose for this week sitting in the middle of the table.

During the face-to-face time with Ashley, Will Forte admits to feeling foolish and whines about having to wear his man dress during the photo shoot. Corky shows Ashley some childhood photos of him riding the short bus.

Seriously, doesn’t he seem like he’s still confused and befuddled from his concussion?

Following a super game plan, Cupcake decides to just whine and bitch about what a horrible, jealousy-filled week he’s had. Shockingly, it works! Ashley gives him the only date rose this week.

Hold the phones, people!! WHY THE FUCK is Corky wearing hot pink pants with a matching watch?? Was the Liberace tux not gross enough for him?!

Could he be any more retarded?!?

“Let’s get a taste of Taipei”
Ashley lures us in with another hospital gown that hasn’t been tied in the back sexy backless shirt as she meets Tree Hugger in a public square.

And as if church wasn’t romantic enough, the two annoying Westerners wander through a huge church/prayer event. Then, the two decide they couldn’t possibly get married since they lost at Taiwanese Dating Craps (trademark!). Ugh, these dates just get more and more awkward as time goes on.

Despite his early adorableness, Tree Hugger quickly spirals in to a smile awkwardly phase. Oh, and don’t forget the nervous giggles. From him, not her.

And wow, then he quizzes her about what has she done for the environment lately? And then a lecture about water heaters?! Jesus Christ. Even the producers thought his environmental information was too boring to play without a voice-over interrupting it.

In response, Ashley violently rips his heart from his chest, slices in on a mandolin, sets fire to it and then pees on it to extinguish the flames. Tree Hugger is stunned to say the least and trades the happy smiles for a wounded bunny look.

Cue sad I-just-want-someone-to-love-me interview.

After spewing some expletives in the bushes, TH returns to the camera looking like he’s going to blow chunks all over the producers. Then he sadly meanders out to the street where he hails a cab and most likely gets mugged on the way to the airport.

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Once again, while our beloved host taps his fingers together like Dr. Evil, Ashley decides that she doesn’t even need a cocktail party (to Will Forte’s dismay).

Man, I hate Constantine’s face.

Sporting an elaborate Greek Goddess meets Prom Dress with Cut-outs, Ashley speaks slowly so Corky understands and then hands roses out to…

Constantine (really?!), Wine Guy and…Corky (what the fuck, yo. Even the back of his jacket was all safety pinned so he looks more normal.)

Will Forte says goodbye to “sweetie” and carefully refrains from punching someone during his interview.

Next week on the Bachelorette: Bachelor Home Dates! I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m secretly hoping that everyone in Corky’s family has down syndrome. I mean, is handi-capable.