Mom to Bee

I’m starting to get all nostalgic for all my c-section/surgeries I’ve had in the last year or so because I miss people covering me up with toasty blankets from the blanket warmer doohickey. I think that’s reason enough to get something cut open, right? Well, that and the drugs. Song title: Keeps My Body Warm [...]

Is it unhealthy to get on Facebook just to look up photos of people that I don’t like? I’m pretty sure I’m getting wrinkles from all the virtual evil eyes I’m doling out today. I can’t be the only one who does this, right? Right?? Song title: Ol’ Evil Eye by Insane Clown Posse

Dude, what’s up with my MIA status?! Where have I been? Well, here’s a brief rundown of recent and not-so-recent events: (1) Had surgery to fix my dis-gusting belly button. (2) Broke my big toe. Walking. I shit you not. (3) Caught a monster cold from Bee (thanks, preschool. I owe you one. “One” being [...]

I’m seriously regretting eating so many raw veggies while watching the Bachelor Pad finale last night. I’m pretty sure my stomach views them as foreign bodies like shrapnel or a new kidney or something. Anybody have any anti-rejection drugs I can borrow? Song title: Eat A Vegetable by Gary Lapow

Nothing says “Thanks for the bath, Mom!” like a puddle of pee on the bathroom floor during toweling off. Song title: Urine Trouble by Gloominous Doom

As a shameless self-promotion by an admitted attention whore (hello, I’m a blogger, right?), I’m celebrating my 100th Facebook Fan with…wait for it…A GIVEAWAY!! What do you get? Grand Prize: A $25 Gift Card to Le Target! Runner Up Prize: 2 8-packs of Naughty Betty greeting cards Honorary Mentions: When you just have to tell [...]

Bee: Daddy, can you take Bug to another room so I can play? Mr. Bee: Sure, honey. In just a minute. Bug walks past Mr. Bee, trips and falls. Bug starts crying. Bee: Aaaaaawkward… Song title: My Daughter by Bermuda Mavericks

Remember that Snow White-esque, naive girl who wandered through a flowering meadow towards a hernia repair, whistling some bullshit about “one day my belly button will come,” all the while the surgeon/huntsman lurked quietly behind her, waiting to strike. Okay, bad analogy, but give me a break. I’m on pain meds, yo. And remember that [...]

My dearest Bug, My sweet, squishy, playful, exceeds any adjectives, Bug. I simply refuse to believe that you have been in our lives for more a year already. Where has the time gone? From the very moment we knew, after months and months and MONTHS of trying, that we were finally pregnant with you, I [...]

I’m not very shy or modest when it comes to discussing my body. Shocking, I know. I’ll give you a minute to really let that breaking news sink in… Wanna hear about my explosive diarrhea, butt cameras or how long it took to sew up my vagina after Bee’s birth? No problem. Even more shocking [...]