Neighborhood Watch

16 Apr

On Wednesday, I became that woman.

You know, the old bitty in the neighborhood who screams at the tweens on their gosh darn, new-fangled skate shoes.

Except I didn’t yell at the tweens for skating (although it is just a matter of time…). I was heading to my morning play date when I noticed two tweens looking as suspicious as I do after an unsupervised shopping trip to Target. Otherwise known as: guilty as hell.

The kids were standing at the nearest fence line with spray cans in their hands, which they quickly hid as my car drove past. “No they didn’t!” I thought as I made a u-turn and tried to decide how to deal with the situation:

Option 1: Call the neighborhood security people.
Honestly, I only thought of this in retrospect, but I don’t even think we really have a security guy. The neighborhood has a security CAR, but I’ve only ever seen in parked in the community center parking lot. I’m guessing it doesn’t even have gas in it. AND I don’t have their phone number in my Crackberry, requiring effort on my part.

Option 2: Call the police.
Again, effort. Of course I know The Number but I figured two hoodlums weren’t exactly 911 material.

Option 3: Confront the asshats myself and scare the love of God in to them.
This, on the other hand, requires very little effort as I can stay in the car and yell at them out an open window. And should provide to be quite entertaining. And it was…

So I drive up, roll down my window and yell, “You guys can stop what you’re doing right now or I can call the police. Your choice.” in my meanest I-Mean-Business tone.

The kid who had the cajones to actually talk to the crazy old bitty in the Soccer Mom SUV had the weirdest, kind of questioning look on his face. So I followed up with, “Are you tagging or graffiti-ing or whatever?”

Threatening, I know.

Then the kids hold up their cans and say, “Uh, we were just gonna Silly String our friend when he comes up to the bus stop…”

“Carry on…

…and have fun with that.”

Man, I’m a jackass.

Song title: Neighborhood Watch by Dilated Peoples

4 Responses to “Neighborhood Watch”

  1. Yaya April 16, 2009 at 4:11 pm #

    Hahaha! Well that story had an unexpected turn at the end!

  2. Courtney B April 17, 2009 at 1:33 pm #

    Oh my God. hahaaaa You are my hero now.

  3. CoreyAnn April 20, 2009 at 12:52 am #


    Lucky they didn’t silly string the SUV.

    I became “that” woman when I got pregnant and lived near a skate park with teens skipping school, doing drugs, and other “youthful” things…

    Needless to say I moved into and out of that neighborhood in under 6 months.

    And in regards to your neighborhood…sad thing is that the security car that you see only patrols AT NIGHT! During the day there’s only 911 to help (but I’ll let you know that the night security isn’t much help at all as they hire people willing to make only $10ish per hour and that limits their qualifications like…intelligence, giving a f***, ability to not show up drunk, etc).

  4. Dayna April 24, 2009 at 4:04 pm #

    HA! That is AWESOME! I’m that woman too in our neighborhood and proud of it. We don’t pay through the nose for a house in a decent ‘hood to have someone muck it up.

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