Today I have achieved yet another milestone in my life and all I had to do was not die last year.

Today I turn thirty.

A few years ago, I might have looked at turning the big 3-0 as this big, daunting (and maybe just a little bit scary) event that I would try to prevent as hard as I could. Shockingly, nothing I seemed to do appeared to have any impact. Whodathunk?

But now, as I prepare for tomorrow’s big shindig, I’ve been reflecting on the last decade and looking forward to what the next decade has to offer.

In my early twenties, I was all about college. I was in a nerdy, quiet dorm at The University where, instead of binge drinking like most of my peers, we did things like play Hearts and go to the theater. (I think I saw Rent, Cabaret and The Phantom of the Opera that year.) I had my first REAL boyfriend and my first real heartbreak. But I also got my first real kick in the pants that gave me the strength to know I deserved a whole hell of a lot better than what he had to offer.

My life was all about making new friends, struggling to keep the ones I had and, somewhere in between, trying to figure out who I was (all while testing out the strength of my liver from time to time).

By the time I started law school, I had already had my heart crushed/stomped/peed on for a second time. But as density destiny would have it, it was actually during the recovery of that relationship that my relationship with Mr. Bee blossomed (so he’s a rebound – shut up). Who would’ve guessed that two years earlier I had unknowingly met the man who would be my husband and the father of my child(ren?) at some random house party in Bellevue?

As my mid-twenties approached, I was busy trying to figure out what I should spend the “rest of my life” doing as a career, all the while still not quite having a complete grasp on who I wanted to be. 2004 ended up being quite the eventful year and, truth be told, I find it amazing that I didn’t have some major breakdowns along the way…

I remember hearing from someone that year that if individual suffers from 3-4 significant events (good or bad) in one year, it could result in some real psychological trauma. In 2003/04, I got engaged, became a first-time home owner with Mr. Bee (who was Fiance Bee at the time), started my own small business, Mr. Bee was diagnosed with his liver disease, my best friend/sister moved to England for three four years, my favorite aunt was diagnosed with a rare form of late-stage cancer (and passed away later that year), Mr. Bee was diagnosed with high-level of pre-cancerous cells in his large intestine resulting in a full collectomy (right before our wedding!), had law school finals to be followed up with graduation and then, finally, phew, got married (and had a whole bunch of fun drama as a result of that as well – we’ll talk about that some other time).

So let’s just say that my mid-twenties were a little rough. But luckily, no multiple personalities seemed to have developed as a result, so I think we’re good!

And as the song says, first comes love, then comes marriage and, by the time I turned 28, my sweet little Baby Bee had made herself at home in the baby carriage. Even with all the events and life-changes that happened in my mid-twenties, as my fellow mommies can attest to, nothing changed my life as much as becoming a mother.

As I creep ever slowly in to my thirties, getting older doesn’t feel as scary as I once thought it would. Even over these last few weeks, I feel like a decade’s worth of learning and growing and doubting has finally eased in to a sense of acceptance. Just the other week, I started a post all about how I have weight issues based on the fact that when I was in high school, I weighed 30 pounds less than I do now. But also when I was in high school, I was ridiculously thin and had to deal with people accusing me of being anorexic and whatnot.

But over the last week, something has changed. I came to a realization that, yeah, I don’t look like I did in high school and you know what? Who the hell cares?! Just like with wedding planning, people can’t see what you haven’t done. They aren’t comparing your banquet chairs with the five other options you had because (1) they don’t give a shit, and (2) they have never seen those options.

Most of my friends now haven’t seen me at 115 pounds and, honestly, I’d probably look pretty freakish if I did weigh that now. I realized that life is too short to not wear that cute bikini at the Gap that only cost $15. Who cares if people see my stretch marks or that I don’t have my high school abs-of-steel anymore?! What’s more important is thinking that five years down the road, I could be looking back at photos thinking that I was a fool for not realizing what I had to flaunt.

And, God dammit, I want to flaunt it.

So while I’ll miss the care-free days of little to no responsibility, of staying up until 5 o’clock in the morning goofing around with friends, of deciding to drive all the way to Yakima just to hang out with some silly boys for 2 hours…I already know that I won’t miss the uncertainty of what my future holds, of wondering if I was every going to meet “Mr. Right”, of questioning everything about myself and my friends and being the most insecure I have ever been.

While some people make Resolutions every year at New Year’s, I’ll try to be a bit more realistic and make my Resolutions only once per decade. I’m going to be selfish and send myself some birthday wishes on my big day:

May my thirties wash away any self-doubt, fears
and jealousy that only make me weak and ugly.

May I spend the next ten years learning to be
a better wife, mother, but, most importantly, person.

May all my insecurities be replaced with the acceptance
of the things I can’t change and
the courage to change the things I can and/or want to.

May the person I will be in my thirties
be the person I always dreamed of being in my twenties.

We grow neither better or worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.
~ May L. Becker

With all that being said, I hope y’all have a much more relaxing day than mine, since I’ll be running around crazy preparing for our big 80’s themed poker rally and…wait for it…roller skating party! That’s right, Hive. Mama Bee rented out a local roller rink for my 30th Birthday Party!! There will surely be a ton of photos from the party because, let’s be honest, this party is going to be totally rad.

Song title: My Next Thirty Years by Phil Vassar