Mother In Law

21 Jul

Okay, first of all, before I begin today’s verbal incontinence, can we first direct our attention to how fucking cold they keep it at Panera Bread?

Seriously, people. I have so many goosebumps (not goose PIMPLES, ’cause that just sounds gross, okay people. Stop saying it.) that I look disfigured, like I’ve been in a horrific fire or something.

And my nipples. Jesus Christ, the nipples.

I’m less worried about them being unsightly than about accidentally poking out the eye of the dude sitting at the table next to me. I could cut glass with these babies right now. (Sorry, Dad.)

What people don’t understand about Washington is that (1) it DOES get hot here in the summer – it’s supposed to be 100 degrees here on Sunday (which deserves a What. The. Fuck. for itself. Seriously. What the fuck, El Nino, La Nina, El Capitan, Menudo, whatever? I live in the Pacific Northwest for TEPID weather. Nothing over 75, please, kthnxbei.) AND (2) no one lives in a house with air conditioning.

Okay, like FIVE people in Washington have air conditioning (hence, why the family will be congregating at my parents’ house on Sunday).

So, obviously, since we are all dying of heat and sweating like Kirstie Alley busting in to Krispy Kremes before closing time, we all wear a lot of shorts, flip flops and tank tops in the summer. As it should be (John 18:3928 – I think). But then the minute we step in to a restaurant or Starbucks or sex store, we’re frozen to the bone by retards that think they need to keep the establishment negative 500 degrees.

I don’t know about you, but I shouldn’t have to buy a hot coffee drink in July when it’s 90 degrees outside just because some douche turned the temperature of the store down to -45 degrees Celsius (that’s cold, right? I mean, who the fuck knows what Celsius is. Or meters. Or mph.)

But I digress.

So you probably noticed the title of this post: Mother In Law and thought, “Yeah, buddy! Mama is gonna go OFF on her MIL! This is gonna be great!!” But sadly, my friends, I only have praises to sing.

You might have noticed that I’ve been blogging with much better regularity lately. You know why that is?

My MIL, my Savior (besides the Flying Spaghetti Monster, of course), decided that she wanted to spend more time with Bee so she comes over EVERY. TUESDAY. to babysit.

For as long as I want.

In fact, the last few weeks, I’ve been coming back to the house after being gone for 2 or 3 hours and she’s been telling Mr. Bee that I come home way too early.

It. Is. Awesome.

I look forward to Tuesdays every week now, knowing that I can do anything I want. Run errands, check. Hang out at Starbucks, check. Blog, check check check.

Hence, the being able to hang out at Panera for hours in the middle of the day, nibbling on my tuna salad sandwich, BABY-FREE.

I mean, me. I’M baby-free.

Well, I guess the sandwich is too.

Song title: Mother In Law by Huey Lewis And The News (yeah, buddy!! Power of Love, bitches!)

6 Responses to “Mother In Law”

  1. Kristen July 23, 2009 at 10:57 am #

    Sometimes when I hear things like that I wish my mother-in-law lived closer. Other times (like almost ALL other times) I’m glad she doesn’t. I’m glad you get some baby free time. And jealous its every Tuesday.

  2. Daniel July 23, 2009 at 5:32 pm #

    ok, really, what is up with only 5 of us having air conditioning in WA? I have it!

    I grew up in Wisconsin and EVERYONE has air conditioning, seriously.. every fricken one. And it snows, what?.. like 90% of the year?

  3. Betts July 30, 2009 at 4:22 pm #

    Movie theaters are the worst. I swear they have air conditioning on in the winter. I wear lightly padded bras, not because I need the extra padding, but to keep people from trying to hang their hats on my chest.

  4. MrsM September 7, 2009 at 2:18 am #

    I’m jealous. About the babysitter, not the heat. I live in the Pacific NW too, but luckily in one of the cool spots! Still, even though we TOTALLY have an air conditioner (your turn to be jealous?), I do hate it when I have to walk from my car to the store all hot and then get blasted with Arctic breeze =(

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