Misery, Pain & Hunger
13 Jul
Today is the beginning of my Katie Couric-esque blogging of my impending colonoscopy.
Being that my procedure is tomorrow afternoon, today I began my Clear Liquid Diet, which, really, should just be called the Get Ready To Be F-ing Hungry Diet.
This is what I CAN eat:
- Water (I kid you not, it’s at the top of the list)
- Clear juices (nothing red or purple)
- Broth (Mmmm)
- Jello (but only green, white or yellow apparently)
- Coffee (with no cream, so really, what’s the point?)
- Pop/Soda
- Crystal Lite/Kool-Aid/Gatorade/Tang (but again, no reds or purples)
- Popsicles
- Lemon Drops
This is what I CAN’T eat:
- Anything that tastes good and/or will fill you up so your stomach doesn’t start devouring itself and the nearby organs
Whoever thought to take the anxiety/stress-ridden chick and force her to stop eating (pretty much) for a day and a half should be f-ing bludgeoned with his butt camera scope thingy.
AND I had a wedding yesterday, so yesterday’s diet consisted of half a Frappucino, one chocolate chip cookie, a microscopic bit of chicken and potatoes and two Snackers from KFC (my post-wedding/pre-starvation attempt at a binge). Typically, my day-after a wedding consists of me sitting on my butt (because my feet still hurt from running around all day) binging on any- and everything within arms reach.
I might not even leave the pantry.
Did I also mention that Bee has been running a fever on and off since Saturday?
So yeah, needless to say, we’re both un-bathed, sitting/laying on the couch watching television in our pajamas. Well, Bee’s wearing her diaper. I haven’t gotten to that stage of the prep yet.
What’s almost infuriating is that I get to not only to prepare and serve food to Bee (most recently a bagel which I am currently staring at with lustful desire), but I get to watch her…wait for it…NOT EAT IT!
What. The. F#ck.
Bee doesn’t know that I’d happily trade HER for the ability to eat a bagel right now, so in her mopey-feverish state, she’s all “Eh. I don’t really have an appetite, Mom.”
But you know, in toddler gibberish.
If you are in the mood to lose YOUR appetite, stay tuned while I document the joy of drinking one liter of what has been described online as pukish, salty, pee water, and discover what happens when you eat a metric f#ck-ton of lemon drops only to have them shoot out of your butt a few hours later.
Should be fun.
More Colonoscopy Fun: The Beginning & The Reckoning
Song title: Misery, Pain & Hunger by Ruthless Bastards
When you’re sliding into first and you feel something burst…
My favorite is when I give the kids something to eat that I really love (because they beg me for a bite) and then they lick the top just enough to make it totally inedible and promptly declare it “yucky”. GRRRR!
Oh gosh no! Sorry you had to go through this. Happy SITS day and greetings from South Africa.
What is with being against red and purple? I like those colors!
Not eating is terrible! I get grumpy too when I don’t eat so totally understand this post. I was dreading not being able to eat or drink anything from midnight until after my surgery the next day at what turned out to be 4:00 p.m. but was relieved when they put in an IV that kept me hydrated and had vitamins going into my body. I didn’t get a headache or grumpy!
Congrats on your Happy SITS Day!
ROTFL!!!!!!! Oh. dear. gawd.
Oh boy. Does not sound fun.
not fun, not fun at all.
Yikes! I’m so glad that I haven’t had to have one of those evil things yet, but I know my day is coming!
Aw shoot….Hope you made it to the potty. I hear those lemon drops leave a mark!
Funny post…not funny procedure
Oh my goodness, the staring at toddler food lustfully and knowing she wont eat it when you’re starving.. that sucks! I will have to see how everything was chronicled and read ahead in your blog! Happy SITS Day!
Ick. I’ve done the colonoscopy thing before. No fun!!!
My husband had to do this. It wasn’t pretty.
Happy FB day!
Lovely. I probably should have skipped this post since I have a Gastroenterologist appointment on Thursday to possibly talk colonoscopy. Maybe I’ll skip THAT instead.
But then again, you’re still around so…. 
Happy SITS Day!
Man I feel your pain sister!!! I Had to drink that liquid dynamite as well and it was not a plesant experience. During my colonoscopy the doctor was listening to Metallica the whole time. The reason I remeber this is not becuase it was on before they knocked me out, it’s because they didn’t fully knock me out till I said ouch!!!(I’ll leave the rest for you to think about–I don’t think it needs further explanation—80)!). What a fun time. Happt SITS Day!
Okay, I’m laughing but not at you, with you, I promise! Dropping in from SITS, great post!
Happy SITS day! I just had a colonscopy this summer, and I agree:one of the MOST unpleasant things I’ve ever had to do in my life…but you made it sound funny!
I did a cleanse a few months ago…because I wanted to. It was torture! And I only made it a day and a half….
Happy SITS day!
I don’t know if you’ve read this, but it’s Dave Barry’s account of his colonoscopy a few years ago. At the very least, I hope it makes you laugh.
http://www.miamiherald.com/dave_barry/story/427603.html
Ugh! That does NOT sound fun! Hope it was all worth it in the end…
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I had one of those once and now I know what squeaky clean means!
When you’re sliding into home and you feel a little foam…
Sorry, couldn’t resist!
It’s like a good book! I wanna read what happens….
This is your butt your talking about, so why am I squirming in my seat?! Hope the second part wasn’t too traumatic. HAPPY SITS DAY!
Great sense of humor! I feel your pain! Good luck!!! YEah, i’m miserable when I’m hungry (or cold or tired!!)
Oy. I had a similar experience when I had an endoscopy. Other end, still terrible.
Been there done that, twice! The prep is a lot worse than the procedure.
Laughing here. Way out loud!!
Oh… don’t stray far from the potty…… Hope it all comes out o.k. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist!)
I’ve had two. Sooo much fun to prep with a toddler!
Ugh…and so much of that stuff is just sugar and food coloring! I do not envy you!
Fun. I’ve been diagnosed with gastroparesis (stomach paralysis – can’t digest solids), so the above diet is basically my daily routine (but no color limitations). No solids for me except baked chicken, baked fish & turkey. But you actually get used to it.
This totally sucks. My hats off to you for doing it because my butt would have stole the bagel from my child and eaten every crumb of it.
Oh boy that has got to be”FUN”……NOT
Oh my gosh, you poor thing! I dread the day I have to do one of those but you’re not alone
Lots of people cna do it and so can you! Hope it went well!!!
EEK. I saw what my Mom had to go through and it wasn’t pretty. Poor you. : ) Happy SITS day!
Hope the procedure went well…happy sits day
I know you can’t wait to eat after it is over. Congratulations on being a featured blogger.
Stopping by from SITS
http://fabulousgccandles.blogspot.com/
I’ve had to sit on the sidelines for all the before and after action of my mother’s colonoscopies. With the history of cancer in my family, I’m going to have to start mine early. I’m hoping everything went well for you.
Chug….chug….chug….good luck:-( Sorry.
That sounded like loads of fun!
Oooohhh!! The bit about the bagel made my stomach ache!
Lol. Hysterical post.
Stopping by from SITS.
Fasting isn’t so bad. especially when youre doing it for something that will better you. Im Muslim and we’re in the middle of a 30-day sun up to sun down fast. I’m actually not fasting this years bc im breastfeeding, but ive done it ever year since i was about 10. its really rewarding and cleansing.
Holy bajeezus. I think I would be having to put a padlock on my refrigerator only to sit on the floor a few hours into it, clawing at the door.
I would not have been able to stay at home all day and not eat anything. You are far tougher then I am.
Happy SITS day.
oh boy! There is no way I could stay home and not eat! I am the worlds biggest snack-er. I had to eat broth for 3 days after my son was born and it sucked!
I think that the whole Clear Liquid Diet thing is just a form of torture that Dr.s needlessly put us through just to see who can actually make it. Maybe they make bets between themselves to see whose patient can last the longest.
Happy SITS day.