Misery, Pain & Hunger

13 Jul

Today is the beginning of my Katie Couric-esque blogging of my impending colonoscopy.

Being that my procedure is tomorrow afternoon, today I began my Clear Liquid Diet, which, really, should just be called the Get Ready To Be F-ing Hungry Diet.

This is what I CAN eat:
- Water (I kid you not, it’s at the top of the list)
- Clear juices (nothing red or purple)
- Broth (Mmmm)
- Jello (but only green, white or yellow apparently)
- Coffee (with no cream, so really, what’s the point?)
- Pop/Soda
- Crystal Lite/Kool-Aid/Gatorade/Tang (but again, no reds or purples)
- Popsicles
- Lemon Drops

This is what I CAN’T eat:
- Anything that tastes good and/or will fill you up so your stomach doesn’t start devouring itself and the nearby organs

Whoever thought to take the anxiety/stress-ridden chick and force her to stop eating (pretty much) for a day and a half should be f-ing bludgeoned with his butt camera scope thingy.

AND I had a wedding yesterday, so yesterday’s diet consisted of half a Frappucino, one chocolate chip cookie, a microscopic bit of chicken and potatoes and two Snackers from KFC (my post-wedding/pre-starvation attempt at a binge). Typically, my day-after a wedding consists of me sitting on my butt (because my feet still hurt from running around all day) binging on any- and everything within arms reach.

I might not even leave the pantry.

Did I also mention that Bee has been running a fever on and off since Saturday?

So yeah, needless to say, we’re both un-bathed, sitting/laying on the couch watching television in our pajamas. Well, Bee’s wearing her diaper. I haven’t gotten to that stage of the prep yet.

What’s almost infuriating is that I get to not only to prepare and serve food to Bee (most recently a bagel which I am currently staring at with lustful desire), but I get to watch her…wait for it…NOT EAT IT!

What. The. F#ck.

Bee doesn’t know that I’d happily trade HER for the ability to eat a bagel right now, so in her mopey-feverish state, she’s all “Eh. I don’t really have an appetite, Mom.”

But you know, in toddler gibberish.

If you are in the mood to lose YOUR appetite, stay tuned while I document the joy of drinking one liter of what has been described online as pukish, salty, pee water, and discover what happens when you eat a metric f#ck-ton of lemon drops only to have them shoot out of your butt a few hours later.

Should be fun.

More Colonoscopy Fun: The Beginning & The Reckoning

Song title: Misery, Pain & Hunger by Ruthless Bastards

63 Responses to “Misery, Pain & Hunger”

  1. Pearl Wisdom September 7, 2009 at 7:35 pm #

    Oh crap! (so punny, right?) I just realized that you ARE showcasing your butt! Right on!!! How can all of these people not be following you now? Maybe they dont know about your FB page???

    Here.

    HEY PEOPLE, FOLLOW MOM TO BEE ON FACEBOOK DAMMIT. HER STATUS UPDATES ARE WAY COOL!

  2. Mira September 7, 2009 at 7:37 pm #

    You’re funny and I’m hooked. I’ll be following your blog from now on. Love your honesty and your sarcasm. You are a lot like me!

    Happy SITS day.

  3. La Jolla Mom September 7, 2009 at 9:12 pm #

    Yes this is something that I dread. Haven’t been asked to do it yet. Happy SITS day!

  4. Verity Mom Gina September 8, 2009 at 12:04 am #

    It never fails… whenever you cannot eat is when you feel like you are starving to death. All of a sudden things sound good that you normally would NEVER eat; like Twinkies and Ding Dongs. Ugh… feeling your pain.

  5. La Belle Mere September 8, 2009 at 1:47 am #

    Aawwww…. good luck with that today!

    Hope you’re hanging in there without cheating!!

    Happy SITS day. Sorry I’m late.

    LBM xxxx

  6. Joy September 8, 2009 at 4:32 am #

    MY stomach hurts now!

    Happy belated SITS day!

  7. Keri Dito September 8, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    OMG you made me laugh out loud. Poor thing, hang in there. I’m gonna follow you… YOU ONE FUNNY LADY!

    Keri
    http://www.spitnglue.com

  8. Keri Dito September 8, 2009 at 11:35 am #

    okay, I’ll try one more time. trying to leave a comment

  9. Sarah September 9, 2009 at 10:24 am #

    Well, that’s never fun. Happy Sits day!

  10. Charmaine September 9, 2009 at 11:59 am #

    Wow, you are a brave, brave woman.

  11. Jessica September 9, 2009 at 1:52 pm #

    Hope the colonoscopy went well! And you feasted afterwards!

  12. A H.I.T. September 11, 2009 at 8:20 am #

    This is one post where I can sympathize with you, but really, it wasn’t that bad. I’ve gone through two and so has Husby (what, we have butt problems).

  13. Cindi @ Moomette's Magnificents October 25, 2009 at 1:08 pm #

    Eeww, so far I’ve avoided that! Best of Luck. Happy SITs.

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