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Meet the Trolls | Mom to Bee

Meet the Trolls

11 May

We all know ‘em. We’ve all read their posts.

An angry commenter.

Heckler.

Threadjackers.

Trolls (or people who just look like one).

It seems like we’ve had some, let’s call them, dissenters on the blog recently. Whether they are denouncing all anti-clown-ites or simply sharing their opinion on a topic, these “trolls” (the blogosphere’s word, not mine. I’d call them douche canoes.) are always welcome to share their worldly points of view on the blog.

Because, don’t get me wrong, I love comments. Every time someone comments on m2b, an angel gets it’s wings. And I also love a good debate. A good intellectual debate. I mean, I went to law school, for Christ’s sake. It’s like professional fighting without the gaudy belts and breaking chairs over each other’s backs. Usually.

So before we have another “oh mah gawd, won’t someone think of the children” kind of outburst, I’ve decided to conduct a tutorial, if you will, on trolling. I mean, commenting.

How to be a Successful Commenter: Lessons in Internet Douchebaggery

Lesson One – Don’t open your comment calling the blogger/readers names
Even though I am obviously a huge fan of the George Carlin vernacular, you might risk offending someone (i.e.. the blog’s author) if you open your post with something along the lines of “Hey, you stupid mother fuckity fuck shit talker. Your father was a hamster and your mother smelt of elderberries!”

You might be surprised to learn that all words uttered after that lovely intro will sound very similar to Charlie Brown’s teacher to the reader. Mwah wah wah wah wah.

You may, instead, want to open with something along the lines of: “Helloooooo gorgeous. While you are almost painful to behold with your stunning and glorious beauty, I feel as though you are completely full of The Shit.”

In that comment, I will be too busy staring at my reflection in the laptop monitor to even notice, well, anything. Gawd, my hair looks good today…

Lesson Two: It’s Called Spell Check. Google It.
I apologize. You might not have understood that last sentence. Let me rewrite in a form you may understand:

Itz cawld spel cheek. Gogle it.

Whether you are attempting to rip me a new asshole or simply trying to express a dissenting opinion, it would really benefit you to use this fancy new technology: SPELL CHECK. You could have an IQ of a thousand and four, but if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” you instantly lose all credibility and I will henceforth be laughing so hard at your grammar that I will likely pee myself a bit.

Lesson Three: Have a Sense of Humor, for Christ’s Sake
If you are reading a humor blog, it might behoove you to expect some…wait for it…jokes. You’d think this would be fairly obvious, but you’d be surprised.

Some of my favorite bloggers discuss using dead kittens as mittens for the homeless and preschool teabaggers (wow. Let’s see what freaks find my blog because of that phrase…). If you aren’t a fan of my views on religion, politics or the occassional case of butt worms, let me please clue you in on a little secret…

NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO READ SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE!

Even I’m guilty of this from time to time. I love reading a particular blog because I find it disturbingly entertaining what a trainwreck her life is.

Hey, I’m not perfect okay. You have Housewives of Atlantis, I have my crazy mommy blogs.

But I am also wise enough to not post comments like “Wow. You are fucked up. Get a life.” on someone’s personal blog. I don’t have to go there. I don’t have to read it. And to post something like that is just (1) mean, and (2) asking for trouble. Just don’t do it.

In the end, if you read trashy blogs, don’t complain about the trash. And dear god, if you read this blog, please don’t expect me to be PC. Because that’s fucking retarded.

Song title: Meet The Trolls by Phredderiffic

6 Responses to “Meet the Trolls”

  1. Kimmah May 11, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    Your to funny! If people have a problem with you than thats they’re problem. Keep typing away you filthy, sexy, hoe!

    • Mama Bee May 11, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

      LMAO! love the comment, Kimmah!

  2. Kristen May 11, 2011 at 7:39 pm #

    Haha! I love your blog even more after this post.

    Now I’m off to hunt down some crazy comments. Or, wait, did you delete them? Because I could really use a laugh at people wanting you to be PC ;)

  3. Arla-Shay May 12, 2011 at 8:49 am #

    I think you mean “differently-abled” there in that last sentence. Retarded is no longer the preferred nomenclature.

  4. Rachael May 12, 2011 at 10:52 pm #

    A MEN! I don’t get why these people are reading things that make them so angry or hateful. Just stop reading!

  5. Jaci @ Ravings of a Mad Housewife May 23, 2011 at 8:19 am #

    “In the end, if you read trashy blogs, don’t complain about the trash.”

    *This*

    I have a woman who has read me since 2008. SHE LOATHES ME. She thinks I’m whiny and ungrateful and just such a dumb bitch–but she won’t go away.

    When I write a post that sets her off, she starts her attacks with “I keep reading because I think you have something important to say–but I’m not going to read anymore!” Suuuure. Next polarizing post, she’s back reaming me again.

    Blah. Sometimes blogging sucks ass.

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