Losing My Religion
30 Oct
“Mom. Dad. I have to tell you something…”
“Coming out of the closet” is a term usually associated with gays and lesbians announcing to their friends and family that they are homosexual. Few regret the action, having found a way toward a more open and satisfying life.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I live within my own closet.
But I have been hiding. Hiding from friends who might not want to be such if they knew. Hiding from persecution of my beliefs.
Because I do not believe in God.
There. I said it. I’m supposed to feel better now, right? Damn.
Okay, I’m guessing you all probably want more on the topic…
First of all, I feel the need to explain that I consider myself an agnostic, which means that I’m really just not religious/spiritual/etc. (versus flat out not believing there is a god).
Here is my view of the difference between Religious Folk v. Atheists v. Agnostics:
The Christian/God-Believer says, “Yes there is a God.”
The Atheist says, “No, there is no God.”
Agnostic just shrugs and says, “Eh?”
Okay, so technically an Atheist either (1) denies the existence of God, or (2) literally is non-theist or simply lacking a belief in God without actively denying God’s existence.
I personally prefer to consider myself an Agnostic non-theist. It is a belief related to the existence or non-existence of God and most agnostics believe that we (collectively) do not have any way of knowing whether a god (or gods) exist. Because there is no way for you or me to prove (or disprove) a god’s existence, then why fret over it. Eventually, maybe, I’ll find out but until then, I might as well just enjoy life (and football on Sundays).
Speaking of Sundays, I think my agnosticism started early in my life. My mom was never big in to going to church, but Dad took Sissy and I practically every Sunday. My only memories of church was that is was insanely boring and had creepy old people who insisted on talking to me.
But I did like the singing. Singing is good.
At 15 years of age, Dad let us make the decision of whether we wanted to keep going to church with him every Sunday or stay home. I’m pretty sure my reasoning was something like: “hmmm…go to boring church or sleep in? yeah, no brainer, dude.”
I might have thrown in a “Could church *be* more boring?” Give me a brake, Friends was big that year and I’ve always admired Ms. Chanadaler Bong. (You know you love him, too.)
In discussing this further with Sissy and Mr. Bee, I realized that besides just finding church unappealing, I really felt out of place. Just like when homosexual people say that they just felt “different” growing up, that’s exactly how I felt when I was at church. I’d be hanging out with the kids in youth group and thinking to myself, “Weird. They’re all, like, religious and whatnot…”
Since quitting church, God/religion/faith has never played a big role in my life. Well, I guess it didn’t really play a big part in my life beforehand either (besides church on Sundays). Since 15, I’ve never attended church. I didn’t get married at a church. In fact, our biggest requirement of an officiant for our wedding was that the “G” word not be mentioned. Baby Bee has not been baptised (and I don’t even know if I was, to be honest).
One of the reason I wanted to “come out of the closet” on my blog is because I think that people who are religious don’t realize how persecuted non-believers are. While I’ve been lucky enough in my adult life to find a spouse and close friends that share my beliefs, it hasn’t always been that way. I was already suffering discrimination for my beliefs by junior year of high school. I vividly remember being told by friends in high school that, unfortunately, I would be burning in eternal hellfire since I didn’t believe in God. Now, my friends were not happy about the turn of events for my eternal soul, but felt the need to declare my fate none-the-less. All this despite the fact that I lived just about the most pious lifestyle a teenager has ever lived (save for Joan of Arc, maybe). I didn’t even drink alcohol until my 21st birthday! AND I believed that sex should be saved for marriage. Okay, my opinion on that one changed as I got older…
As a non-believer, you get put in to this “box” by “normal” people. We must be sinners, immoral, untrustworthy, arrogant, hypocritical, self-righteous and (my personal favorite) liberal infidels. Some people ask, “Well, without the Bible/God, what authority do you accept as a guide to conduct?” Well, first of all, common sense is good. Just because I wasn’t raised in with overly-religious parents doesn’t mean that I grew up in a hedonistic sin-filled home. I grew up with rules…LOTS of rules. Seriously. Just because God doesn’t play a role in my life, doesn’t mean that I don’t have compassion for others or the ability to tell right from wrong.
But the persecution of non-believers doesn’t just stop with the assumption that you are a sinner with no moral compass. Even as I sit on my couch typing this with America’s Next Top Model playing in the background, one of the models declares that it’s unfair that a certain model won a prize that will feature Christmas accessories because “she’s hates holidays. She’s an atheist. I love Christmas! I’d love to do [the photo shoot]!” Just because someone is atheist or agnostic doesn’t mean they don’t like (or shouldn’t) celebrate holidays. For the record, I LOOOOVE Christmas. I just look at it as a time to celebrate family and friends, and most importantly, presents (kidding! Screw the family and friends; just give me stuff).
Being a non-believer isn’t easy. I’ll always remember four and a half years ago when I found out that Mr. Bee had pre-cancerous growths, had to have a full colectomy, AND found out that he has a degenerative, un-curable liver disease. One of the first things I thought was “this would be so much easier to deal with if I believed in God.” Having faith in someone/something that had a master plan or who could make everything better if I just prayed hard enough would have maybe made the situation a little easier to deal with. But I didn’t have any of that. I just had to sit with the realization that my fiancée (now my husband) might develop cancer and may (still) require a liver transplant. I had nothing to lean on but myself. And I think I’m a stronger person now because of it. At least I hope I am.
I have to be supportive/accepting of all religions, simply because I am in the minority. A 2001 survey found 15% of the adult population in the United States have no religious affiliation, still significantly less than in other postindustrial countries such as United Kingdom (44%) and Sweden (69%). The other 85% of the U.S. just think non-believers are jerks when we point out the “so help me Gods,” “under Gods,” and “In god we trusts” that are everywhere in our society. I get that our country was founded under those ideals, but let’s not forget that it was also founded while escaping from religious persecution.
In 2006, the University of Minnesota conducted a poll that found that despite an increasing acceptance of religious diversity, atheists were generally distrusted by other Americans, who rated them below Muslims, recent immigrants and other minority groups in “sharing their vision of American society”. They also associated atheists with undesirable attributes such as criminal behavior, rampant materialism, and cultural elitism. When participants were asked whether they agreed with the statement, “I would disapprove if my child wanted to marry a member of this group,” atheists again led minorities, with 48 percent disapproval. “I know atheists aren’t studied that much as a sociological group, but I guess atheists are one of the last groups remaining that it’s still socially acceptable to hate.”
So you might understand why “coming out of the closet” was a difficult decision for me to make.
So there it is. I’m not religious.
Am I ready for the consequences? I’ve weighed the risks: I’m sure not everyone will accept me for who I am. I’m sure someone out there will be offended at my religious views and vice versa.
But please don’t think we can’t be friends because we have differing views on one aspect of our lives. We may have different schedules on Sunday and most likely are voting for different presidential candidates, but isn’t there more to life?
Like television?
Song title: Losing My Religion by R.E.M.
Of course I’ll still be your friend! Atheist, agnostic, or whatever.
Christianity isn’t all about hell-fire, brimstone, and old people shaking your hand in church.
I’m sorry you didn’t click with your church when you were young. But you’re right–it is very comforting to be able to give my problems over to God and know that He is in control.
I really hope you don’t get any nasty comments (and I don’t think you will). You’ll see that all your blog friends still love you!
I love the visual of Grandpa Simpson sitting in church shaking his fist!
Thank you for sharing your heart and perspective. I totally respect that.
We totally ARE blog soul sisters! I’m agnostic too…although more of the “I-believe-in-some-higher-power-just-not-the-wine-to-water-Jesus-stuff.”
I loved this post! My attention span usually doesn’t last for long posts…but this was one very interesting. Too bad you aren’t in Dallas…I’d love to discuss this with you over a beer. (On Sunday, of course! I mean…if we’re already set to burn in hell, might as well go out with a bang!)
So those are horns on top of your head? I thought those were cute, fashionable hair accessories. Just kidding, way to write something honest even if not everyone likes it. Doesn’t bother me a bit as long as I don’t bother you, well as long as my religious beliefs don’t bother you
I’m right there with you, sister. Proud, law-abiding atheist!
It seems like you were on the verge of seeking God when your fiance/husband was going through the medical problems. A lot of people find it hard to believe in something that cannot be proven…or disproven. But Jaci’s right, it’s nice to know there’s something beyond myself to give my problems to. Just let me know if you ever do have questions.
Thanks for submitting this post. It was very thought provoking!
I cannot thank you enough for this post. I have some similar beliefs as you and know what it’s like to be different as far as religion. I do believe in God but refuse to argue that I’m an expert on the issue. I simply believe because I want to and since I don’t proclaim to be an expert and I’m open-minded, I listen to everyone’s opinion and respect it. Again, thank you for sharing and I completely understand.
I JUST left a comment elsewhere about how some days I feel like the only agnostic blogger in the world, and then I found you!
I say agnostic, because I have some lingering pagan/buddist tendecies, but I tell people I am a Recovering Catholic.
Proof that it’s possible for us all to me friends: One of my best friends in the world is a Conservative, Christian, Republican who will not read Harry Potter. I am a neo-karma inclined Liberal with an Obama sign on my lawn and have been to 3 midnight releases.
I love her like a sister. Some days more!
I am about as liberal as they come…I honestly could care less what you do or don’t believe in, etc. etc. You’re cool, I like they way you right and you entertain me, that’s good enough for me!
Right…write…you know what I meant!
I grew up in an incredibly boring church too (my memories include dusty robes, lots of organ music, droning voices repeating back phrases (like zombies), and all the while, I tried SO hard not to fall asleep).
So, I can totally understand why you have no desire to return to that.
However, the community of believers I belong to now could not be more different. The messages are relevant to daily life, we are very involved in community renewal, and international aid/volunteer word. It’s relevant and real. If you’re curious, I’d encourage you to go to http://www.12stone.com – click on resources – and feel free to just look around. The messages are there to listen to (or download for free). It’s a neat place, and has greatly enriched my life.
But if you don’t want to look around, that’s cool too.
I realize it’s certainly a very intimate, personal journey.
I am interested in the Unitarian Universalist church. Mainly because from what I understand of them, they feel like I do. There is SOMETHING but hell if we know what. Come on in and let’s talk about it! I think the sense of community a church offers is great but I could do without all the “we know for sure and if you don’t believe like we do you are going to burn for eternity.” I just find most religions to be the pinnacle of hypocrisy. Not for me.
But then again I could just sleep in on Sundays and be happy.
I am so happy that being a part of organized religion is not that common where I live. I know visiting down south my MIL didnt want to go out before noon on Sunday because everyone would know we weren’t at church.
I don’t push my religion on people, but I can’t imagine my life without faith, without the comfort of my Lord. I hope and pray that you will find that too!
This was sooo well written! That is even harder to do when you’re talking about soemthing that you believe. I loved your definitoin of agnostic. Perfect. So many people throw around the word and don’t really get what they are saying.
Let me say, as a Christian, that anyone who treats you rudely because you’re not religious needs to be worrying about their own faith not yours. Seriously. I know that Christians can be a-holes about different beliefs (that’s part of the reason why my family and I do not attend church despite believing in God) but I just hope you know that not everyone is like that….and God, if He exists the way I see Him, isn’t like that either.
Also: You are awesome and I’m following you now.
The End.
I can see your viewpoint, but I do hope that one day you might experience the infinite grace and love of Jesus. May God’s love and light reach you.
I’m sure writing this post must have been tough, and I appreciate your courage to come out.
Wow, that took courage to write about this. I’m not sure what to say except hoping that God will reveal himself to you one day and draw you to Himself. In the meantime, just know Christians do not hate you. Sorry to hear your church background was so boring that it turned you off God completely. That’s a real shame.
Oops, forgot to mention, Happy SITS Day!
I’m from Scotland where you get beaten up for GOING to church…. ;O) Well, not really, but the days of the ‘wee frees’ are over and, although we all attended church as kids (oddly enough, without my mum and dad who would gladly send us…free babysitting?…and roll their eyes if we asked them to come with us), there are not many (who I know)who still go to church.
Belief in God is not a topic of conversation; if someone asked you if you believed in God, it would be like them asking if they could borrow money. You’d step away slowly.
Obviously, a lot of people in Scotland believe in God, I’m not saying otherwise; in my community though, it isn’t important. What IS important is community, kindness and caring.
Love your post and, having spent some time with a lovely group from your neck of the woods who turned on me when I answered ‘no’after being asked if I went to church, then I know how brave you are.
Oh, and happy SITS day! xx
Of course, I do worship his noodleness….
Yeah, these past few years I don’t really know where I stand with religion…
Well, I will definitely still be your friend – I’m in the same boat you are. My (vastly) older brother and sister were raised strictly Catholic, but by the time I came around, my parents had lost their fervor for religion, so I wasn’t really raised with any. As a result, it’s not high on my priority list. I wouldn’t say that I don’t believe in God, it’s just not something that plays a role in my life. And like you, I’ve had times where I’ve wished I had some faith in my life, but I am what I am, so I will absolutely accept you for the way you are too. What a super well-written post!
Well I spent the better part of my youth in church. Went to Catholic school & church a couple of times a week. It’s ingrained..you know? BUT, even though it’s all I knew when I was young, I’m fortunate to have had the chance to study theology and to research other beliefs. I love that we are free to choose and free to seek.
I gave my children a little more breathing room in that department when they were growing up. They did attend the church camps and services, but after a certain age they made their own choice. They are all spiritual in an agnostic sort of way.
I’m happy for you that you made your own choice and not one that was chosen for you.
Happy SITS Day. You might have inspired me to come out of my own closet about religion. Not that I am agnostic, but I am very spiritual but yet feel out of place in any church. It takes a lot to speak out when you don’t think like the “norm”. Congrats!
I thought you were very brave to post this. My whole life revolves around my faith and it has gotten me through some terrible times such as when my husband was killed and I’m not sure I’d still be on this planet without my belief in God.
I’m much older than you and I went through periods of my life where I also was an agnostic and questioned everything. I also gave up “traditional” religion as well. I had to find the answers on my own.
I totally respect your beliefs and admire you for having the courage to say what you are thinking. That to me is very brave.
One of the greatest gifts of life is having the freedom to be ourselves.
Having a religion (apart from Beer & BBQ’s) is just not an issue in Australia as it is in the States. I am in the “belive-in-something-higher” category. Fab post loved it.
Congrats on your SITS Day!!
I am glad you “came out of the closet” on your blog about your feelings toward religion, and I know it feels good to be authentic! Happy SITS Day!
I’m very sad to see this. I respect your views, while at the same time hope that they will change.
Great Post. Sad to say I actually never examined the difference between an atheist and an agnostic, I thought they were the same. I’m glad you clarified. I feel really Blonde for say that but it’s the truth. 80) Good Job.
Very well written post. I appreciate people who can articulate their thoughts/ideas/beliefs well.
Stopping in from SITS.
I’m married to an agnostic, so I totally understand.
Love how honest you are in this post!
Happy SITS Day!
It is so funny because I too left a post on another bloggers website that I thought I was the only agnostic blogger…now I see that I’m not the only one. I totally agree with your post and feel like I don’t tell people about not being religious for fear of persecution.
I haven’t been brave enough to “come out of the closet” either but maybe I will!
Dropped in from SITS and so glad I did…now I’m a follower!!
Stopping in from SITS. I applaud your honesty and your intelligent way of writing, and especially applaud the acknowledgment that our country was founded on escape from religious persecution, not just the “Christian Values” that so many devout Christians insist every true American must adhere to. My extended family contains everything from born-again Christians, Catholics, atheists, agnostics, Jews and Buddhists. And though we love to argue, we also respect that a belief system is just that: a belief and not a fact. If we meet up in Heaven, cool! and if we just die and disappear into dust, no problem because we won’t be aware of it!
I was raised going to church from the age of 7 when my parents got SAVED. I never fit in there. It all seemed like a fashion show and I never had the right clothes.
I haven’t set foot in a church since I was married to my first husband almost 20 years ago. I do believe in God and pray my ass off on a regular basis but I don’t think believing in something (anything?) requires a dress and a building.
This brings me to my current situation. A non-churchgoer living in a all Mormon town in Utah. We might as well be atheists because telling these people NO that we don’t want to join their church and I like how I worship and live is evil to them.
And my husband feels the way you do…which we can’t tell the Mormons….
I do believe in God but I don’t believe in organized religion.
To each his own, I say. The world would be a far less interesting place if we all believed the same things all the time, don’t you think?
Wow, this is deep, heavy stuff–you present some very compelling facts! I’m sorry you’ve felt so ostracized, but glad you are at peace with your beliefs now.
Kudos to you for articulating the difference between athiests and agnostics, and where you stand on the scale. I’m not particularly religious; never have been, but I’ve spent enough time in the church to know that when someone tells you Jesus loves you while proceeding to slap you in the head with a bible – they’re missing the bigger picture. Like living by the Golden Rule. Doesn’t matter who you are or what you believe – what matters is how you live your life and treat others.
Preachin’ to the choir, girlfriend…..oh wait, I need another saying in this instance…GREAT POST! Enjoyed reading it more so much I didn’t stop half way through to scream at the kid for jumping on the couch.
No one can fault you for being honest! I struggled with my own religiosity over the years (I so relate to your childhood experience with church) and settled on being more spiritual than religious. I believe we are all connected by a higher power and how we define that is up to the individual. It’s all about having faith (in what? that’s up to you). Today, me and DH are members of an emergent church…so not your mama’s house of preaching. TFS your truth!
Happy SITS day!
Good for you, speaking out about your feelings. And thanks for the facts from the survey. I think you are right that non-believers or even just people who don’t believe the same as the “believers” are often treated horribly. What ever happened to love your enemies? OK, so I used to be Catholic, but now I do enjoy sleeping in on Sunday. And my hubby isn’t religious so I felt it was actually causing a rift between us. Do you really want to know this? There are so often so many more people to will quickly quote the bible to show how religious they are. Why not just show it by your actions? I think those of us who are good people anyway have a place in this society too.
Anna
Thanks for your honest posting! I am a born-again Christian and I truly appreciate your authenticiy. I’m sorry that Christianity has left such a bad taste in your mouth. But of course we can be friends!
We are all on a life journey – and I truly believe there is a purpose and plan behind it! Please stay in touch! 
I wass raised Catholic and was a faithful church-goer until my husband of 12 years decided he needed to start dating. We go divorced, and every Sunday it seemed, I heard that I was going to hell because I got divorced, “what God has joined together..” After a while, I just stopped going. I believe there is a God, and I do pray, but I just don’t buy that God is going to send me “to the eternal fire” because I couldn’t tolerate a cheating bastard of a husband. Even worse, 4 years later I met a wonderful man and remarried; double jeopardy..I’ve been “living in sin–a mortal sin” for 26 years. My husband grew up the same as I did–and feels more strongly anti-orgainized religion that I do.
There is so much hypocrocy in some so-called Christians that it’s laughable.
So there–now I’m kinda’ out with you!
Actually, I just dropped by from SITS to say hi; hooe you’ll do the same. lol
wow…I got wound up there and made some typos! (We GOT divorced, not go divorced; THAN I do, not that I do; HOPE you’ll do the same, not hooe !
I do believe in God, but I get a little irritated when people are all “This country was founded on Christianity!” Er, not exactly.
I think it’s awesome that you posted this despite what some people may think of you.
Happy SITS Day!
I struggle in that area too. What bothers me, though, is people that don’t want God mentioned in schools. There is nothing wrong with kids learning that it’s okay to say “Merry Christmas” and to learn all there is to learn in EVERY aspect. It leads to well rounded children.
And once, a few years ago, a cashier was told by the customer ahead of me that she should not say “Merry Christmas”. “You’re supposed to say Happy Holidays”.
WTF??
I live in Canada, and here we are multi-cultural. My response? “I will damn well shout out Merry Christmas if I want to, and if you want to return with Happy Holidays or Happy Hannuka or WHATEVER, that is YOUR choice and it will not offend me. But do NOT, and I mean EVER force me to change my beliefs for you.”
So please tell me, if Jesus can’t be part of Christmas for religious reasons, why on earth can public school celebrate Halloween, which historically is a satanistic holiday? So, clearly the “good” is bad, but the “bad” is okay.
Weird.
I do not currently go to church (I did until I felt like all they wanted was my money, while the pastor lived in a HUGE house and took his family to Hawaii for three weeks every year while all we can afford is a modest home and a couple weeks camping!!) but for my kids may start up again. I have a teenage daughter who is sitting on the fence between good and evil!! Oi! My views are more that of RO (see her comment near the top), and I’m not ashamed of that.
I am Christian but we may be still be voting for the same presidential candidate
Thank you for sharing your views so clearly. I appreciate that.