Livin’ Fat

30 Jun

Ah…Sweet Validation…
First of all, tonight I’d like to thank my stalkers readers for all their comments and for completely validating my anti-douche propaganda yesterday! This morning while I watched Mr. & Mrs. Neighbor McDouchePants load a broom in to their storage container (yeah, it’s a good thing I have to park over in friggin’ Lebanon just so you can carry a 5 ounce broom twelve feet from your apartment to your storage container…f#cking douche) But where was I? Oh yes, watching them load their crap in to the pod, I couldn’t help but wonder what they thought of my, let’s say, “gift”? I’m still waiting to dish out a “You park like an idiot” card, but I’m guessing I won’t have to wait too long for that opportunity to present itself…

Wii Fridge? Mii Diet? Nintendo Wii Should Stop Eating So Much Crap v2.0?
We finally set up the Wii at the apartment (gag) and I finally made it back on the Wii Fit after almost a month away. I am happy to announce that in those 26 days away, I have lost 2.2 pounds! Not exactly my goal yet (still about 13 pounds away from that…) but I think I have come up with a genius solution.

I won’t lie. I love my Lovely Lady Friends dearly. But I have to confess: they are annoyingly svelte* and attractive. Like really? Seriously? Do I have to be the token fattie? And what’s sick is that I know I’m not “fat”. It’s just that compared to these annoying size, well, who knows what size they are in those totally cute designer jeans, I am the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. (*Don’t Google Image Search “svelte” unless you are looking for porn.)

So here’s my plan: stop all those irritating sit-ups and exercises and work harder on making THEM gain weight! Brilliant, right? We all share a love of wine, cheese and bread, so you’d think it wouldn’t be too hard. I figure I can get them all liquored up on a nice Pinot Noir and once they are good and sauced…out come the Quarter Pounders! Trade their weight loss shakes with some high protein weight gain formula and watch me get skinnier and skinnier!! Muuuaaahahahahahahahahahaha.

Feel free to adapt this plan to suit your individual group of friends. Most of my group are married or getting hitched in the next month or two, so I’ll tell them to write it off as them “letting themselves go”. It’ll happen sooner or later. How about just sooner so I can feel better about myself in a bathing suit this summer?

I’ll post updates soon. Boy, it sure is good that none of them read this blog, huh?

The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup…
I have to just briefly share how hilarious Mr. Bee is. A few months ago, I got Baby Bee a little Cookie Monster plush doll from Las Vegas. Apparently, Mr. Bee is way too creative in the mornings and, for the last week or so, I have awoken to find Cookie is various poses and situations in the apartment. Naturally, I have found him sitting atop the fridge holding a container of cookies. But this morning was hilarious. I walked in to the living to find Cookie Monster on the steering wheel of Baby Bee’s Leap Frog Ride Along School Bus where he apparently had passed out after crashing in to (and on top of) a bunch of Baby Bee’s other toys!

I immediately emailed Mr. Bee a scandalous mug shot of the celebrity DUI:

It’s such a disappointment when our children’s role models can’t hold their liquor and crash their alphabet school buses in to innocent Stack & Smile Crocodile bystanders. Such a promising career ruined.

Song title: Livin’ Fat by Fat Joe (Da Gangsta); I Say A Little Prayer For You by Diana King

One Response to “Livin’ Fat”

  1. J June 30, 2008 at 8:33 pm #

    You deserve a douche card for feeling like a fattie.


Leave a Reply