Live and Learn

Something that I’ve been throwing around in my head for a while is using this blog to chronicle all the ups, downs, ins, outs and way fucked up things about having children (and being pregnant) that no one but your most intimate girlfriends would tell you.

Like the fact that, yes, you WILL drop a deuce during labor. And you know what? No one gives a fuck. Especially yourself because you will be too preoccupied with pushing a baby out your vag-hole. I mean, there are so many other things you could be freaking out about right now.

Just to be clear, my intention is always to educate mom-to-be’s so they don’t freak out when they realize that they might have to dunk their lady bits in a weird pink asshole bubble bath every day after they blow out their vag.

But, somehow, my stories of pregnancy, labor/delivery and post-pregnancy always seems to scare the shit out of my non-parent friends.

I have no idea why. (Be afraid, be very afraid)

All of my “lessons” will be easily found under the “The More You Know (and more than you ever wanted to know)” tag. You can use the shiny little badge to the right over there to find it with a simple click! And, of course, I always want to hear about what you learned during your pregnancy that you think other women should know!!

Lesson #1: High School Health Teachers are full of shit.

Remember back in high school when your health teacher, Ms. Giste, told you all about how easy it is to get knocked up and that you really should abstain and/or use 85 forms of birth control or you will totally get pregnant because it is THAT easy?

Will you do me a favor? Reach way far back in your head and tell your cute little skinny 17-year-old self to punch Ms. Giste in the nuts. Hard.

Because, while that advice surely does pertain to young people and everyone in the world who doesn’t want to get pregnant, it is never that easy for the people who REALLY want to get pregnant.

And having a shriveled up uterus from being in your mid to (cough) late twenties probably doesn’t help.

When I was a naive little 26 year old, Mr. Bee and I decided to start trying to conceive Baby Bee (otherwise known as Felix the Fetus until we knew the gender). Since I had been on The Pill for a few years, I figured it would take a little while to get pregnant. What I didn’t realize is that it is quite common for it to take six months or longer to get knocked up.

So 7 months after we had started “trying”, we finally got knocked up with Bee.

With The Pills and everything, it totally made sense, but since we have didn’t any pills to get out of our system with Baby Numero Dos, it should be pretty immediate, right?

And it was.

You know, if by “immediate” you mean “a long ass time”.

I know that some people can get pregnant by simply winking at their spouse, but I was never blessed with that kind of fertility super powers.

Side note: What would that superhero look like? Well, first, she’d probably always be knocked up, right? Like Mrs. Duggar with a cape. And obviously she’d need to wear some Depends for all that post-baby incontinence (oh yes, that is another post all on its own). So basically a soft, Mrs. Duggar-esque, Depends-wearing, vagina-hurting Super Fertility Woman.

Yeah, that would suck.

And I always worry for those women who are deciding to get pregnant a little later in life because they seem to think that they’ll decide to get pregnant and *poof* it will just happen.

I know I did.

And there is no convincing someone who isn’t 100% ready for a baby that they should try sooner rather than later to get those eggos fertilized before they turn in to omelets.

And that’s not even the totally wacked out part. Did you realize that there is only like a four-day window in your cycle each month that will likely lead to a Felix in your utero?!

I swear it’s not until you actually start trying to get knocked up that you realize all those years of trying your damnest to avoid it might have been a little overkill.

So for all those people who think that getting pregnant is easy peasy? Obviously you haven’t had to time, chart, and otherwise plan their babymakings (to be followed, of course, with the literally foot-numbing activity of sticking your ass in the air after every babymakin’ session.)

Because nothing says romantic like, “Hey honey? Can you shove that pillow under my ass before you fall asleep?”

Song title: Live and Learn by Crush 40