Labor in Vain

2 Aug

For those of you that haven’t followed the daily ups and downs of my uterus via Facebook, first of all, why the hell not?! Become a Fan of Mom to Bee on Facebook and you’ll get all the awesome updates including but not limited to these gems:

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If you have been missing out on these web gems, here’s a quick update on my uterine status. Last Wednesday, at my doctor’s office (because it’d be kind of awkward otherwise) my doctor and I got pretty intimate. Let’s just say that she pretty much shook Cletus’ hand while he was still in the womb.

For those of you who actually care, my doc “stripped my membranes” which **disgusting warning** consists of her jabbing her fingers up my hootch and separating my amniotic sac from my uterine wall around my cervix. And let me tell you, it feels just as awesome as it sounds. In fact, at one point she asks, “Are we breathing?” I’m pretty sure my response was a muffled, “Mmm hmmm”.

In my head, I was thinking “NO, I’M NOT BREATHING! BUT I WILL HOLD MY BREATH FOR AN HOUR IF IT MEANS THAT THIS BABY WILL BE COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA SOON!!”

But shockingly, I tend to be able to filter myself pretty well in front of professionals.

Most of the time.

As my doctor departed, she told me that she’d probably be seeing me within a couple days, as the finger bang she just performed should stimulate labor.

::Cue Mama Bee’s brain becoming completely obsessed with labor and delivery::

Of course, losing my mucus plug and having contractions didn’t help with any of that either. In fact, at the crack of dawn on Sunday, I was 90% sure that it was Go Time. I woke up Mr. Bee and we got all our shit together and sat down to watch television until the contractions got close enough together to leave for the hospital.

And guess what happened?

That’s right. The mother fucking contractions stopped.

Just stopped.

Wham. Bam. Thank you, uterus.

Since then, I’ve waddled walked about four miles on the treadmill and through our neighborhood, I’ve enlisted Arla-Shay to press the crap out of my pressure points, and I’ve even twisted the hell out of my boobies trying to stimulate labor. And all I get are sporadic contractions that don’t even warrant timing at this point.

So if you see me walking down the street, possibly with tears in my eyes and likely clawing at my vagina to get Cletus out, please just pass me on by. Unless you too would like a flaming bag of dog shit on your doorstep. The recipient list is getting longer and longer.

It would probably help if I owned a dog…

Song title: Labor in Vain by Vanessa Bell Armstrong

4 Responses to “Labor in Vain”

  1. Kassia August 2, 2010 at 7:50 pm #

    There are three dogs here so I’ll get some ammo sent out to you asap.
    You’re welcome.

  2. Jaci @ Ravings of a Mad Housewife August 3, 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Ahhh…false labor.

    Forget the walking. All that did for me was start those suck ass contractions that went nowhere and caused a good 4 hours of “I think it’s time”!” drama.

    Pretty soon! Eek! :)

  3. Jenne August 3, 2010 at 6:43 pm #

    I have five dogs so I can help with the ammo. Just let me know when and where!!! Cod liver oil works, my niece took it and 14 hours later had my greatniece. Taste like s**t though.

  4. Steph August 4, 2010 at 4:12 pm #

    Found this on a random website when I was preggo. I hate balsamic dressing and blue cheese so I never tried it….

    There is said to be a salad that causes women to go into labor. I believe they call it the “Labor Salad”. Here is the recipe, which I found on-line. It seems pretty ordinary, but it is believed that the “active” ingredient is the balsamic vinegar.

    Take equal parts of Romain lettuce, Watercress, and Red Cabbage.
    Chop and toss together. Sprinkle with a dressing of 1 part balsamic vinaigrette and 3 parts extra virgin olive oil. Sprinkle with crumbled Gorgonzola Cheese and eat.

    It is strongly advised that if you do decide to try this, to wait until you are between 39 and 42 weeks of pregnancy in case it works.

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