Jesus Is the Reason for the Season

31 Dec

You know, if by “Jesus” you mean “Santabator” and “totally inappropriate holiday gift exchanges”.

A few weeks ago, my friends and I celebrated the season with our annual Santabator party.

“What/Who is Santabator?” you ask?

Check out here, here and here for your answers. Or more questions. You never can tell.

This year, I wanted to really remind all my friends the real reason for our Santabator celebration. So I compiled a gift that surprisingly was snatched up right away during the exchange (we have yet to determine why a friend of ours is so obsessed with these particular items…)


First, I passed along a treasured gift, the giant silver crucifix. Earlier this year, when I was having issues with my anxiety, et al, Arla-Shay came over for a playdate (with her kid, duh. Not that we need the kids for a playdate; they are just a good excuse!). She told me that she knew I was going through a rough time and had brought a gift for me. It was something that her mother had given to her.

Totally thinking that she was on the level, I closed my eyes upon her request as she began to take off a necklace that she had been wearing, but had been hidden underneath her shirt. Of course, I opened my eyes to see a nice silvery corpse hanging on a cross around my neck. Totally full of The Awesome!

I felt I needed to convey my “reason for the season” sentiments a little more strongly, so off to the local Christian Outlet (where all the discontinued and damaged Christians are sold) I went!

I’ll be honest with you, part of me thought that I would catch on fire the moment I walked in to the store. And I did keep my eye out for villagers with torches and pitchforks as I did my “shopping” (otherwise known as “what is the cheapest and most Jesus-ey thing in here”).

Once I found the 50% off Christmas tee shirt and the bible accessory gift (because we all have Bibles, duh), Bee and I headed to the cashier. I think I played the role of dutiful Jesus believer accurately until Bee, who is currently obsessed with dinosaurs, pulled out her little stegosaurus toy and began teaching the cashier all about it.


I began giggling nervously about how funny evolution is and that my silly little daughter just likes playing make believe with the Jesus horses and ran my agnostic ass out of there as fast as you can say “NON-BELIEVER! GRAB THE TORCHES!”

But, in the end, it was all worth it to submit my contribution to the Santabator gift exchange, which also had gifts such as…

The Ass-less Banana Hammock

The Ass-less Banana Hammock

A Christmas MerMan/Stripper Ornament

A Christmas MerMan/Stripper Ornament

Spiderman Undies

Spiderman Undies

The 2-in-1 Sparkling Mullet and Car Wash

The 2-in-1 Sparkling Mullet and Car Wash

I’m not kidding. That’s REALLY what it was called!

The Ever-Popular  Bump-Its

The Ever-Popular Bump-Its

I think we all decided as a group that Bump Its, the official (bad) way to give you that ratted up hair bump look, will only work on every 1 in 5 women and only if you don’t mind a huge see-through bubble of hair on the top of your head.

But, you know, maybe that look works for some people?

After some cut-throat gift stealing, yours truly made out with a…wait for it…SNUGGIE!!

YES!! I have now joined the pop culture ranks of total consumer whore*! But I guess with the asterisk since I didn’t actually buy the Snuggie.

But I did buy Snuggies for Sissy’s entire family this year.

Even the dogs.

Okay, I’ll go back and take that asterisk off.

Song title: Jesus Is the Reason for the Season by Kirk Franklin

3 Responses to “Jesus Is the Reason for the Season”

  1. Jackie December 31, 2009 at 9:18 am #

    Good Lord. What RIGHTEOUS gifts! I especially like the Sparklin’ Mullet and Car Wash. Heh.

    And I canNOT believe you didn’t get torched at the Christian Outlet. They must be slacking over there!

  2. Midori December 31, 2009 at 10:01 am #

    Hilarious! I needed that belly laugh. My delightful Mormon sister-in-law gave me a Jesus gift bag a few Christmases ago, complete with a DVD all about the Mormon Jesus, AND a tiny clay baby Jesus! YAY! Sadly, that DVD didn’t make it home…our car window suddenly opened when my husband pushed the Open Window button, and that DVD was ripped from his hand as he hung it out the window to freshen it, as if by the hand of God. Traumatic. Baby Jesus…also tragically disappeared.

    Every time I have to enter a church (funerals and weddings),I’ve thought about dipping my finger in the Jesus water to see if it boils.

    Anywhoo….you’ve brightened yet another cloudy day for me with your wit! Applause…

  3. Erin December 31, 2009 at 12:04 pm #

    In my opinion, NOTHING says “CHRISTmas” like…a Mermaid Stripper Santa.

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