“I’ve had this feeling about Courtney from the beginning…”

12 Mar

Yeah, it’s called a boner, Ben.

Episode nine opens on Ben packing to head to Switzerland, pondering each of his relationships with the final three contenders.

After arriving in Switzerland, Ben cruises the streets, in search of either the ladies or strangers to murder in his O.J. Simpson gloves.

Upon arriving in Interlaken, Nicki and Ben take a (gasp) HELICOPTER ride through the Alps. After a failed assassination attempt by the helicopter pilot, the two have a (gasp) PICNIC on a mountain top. There was a little kissing, a little screaming, a little climbing out of a hovering helicopter on to a skinny ass pillar of earth, millions of thousands of feet up in the air.

At dinner, in a rustic Swiss log cabin, dinner begins when Ben pulls out Nicki’s stump for her. My money is on Ben pushing his stump in by the end of the night.


Fast forward five minutes and Ben is presenting Nicki with a booty call fantasy date card, which she quickly accepts. One fantasy suite and bubbly hot tub later, one can imagine that a little bow chica wow wow came Nicki’s way.

The next day, Ben greeted Lindzi in Interlaken with a post-coital glow. In true adrenaline-junky style, Ben and Lindzi rappel 300 feet (that’s a fucking FOOTBALL FIELD in length) down into a crevice. Idiots.

Cut to a hot tub and discussing how much Lindzi’s has opened up to Ben. I bet she’ll be opening up tonight.


Okay, new drinking game: every time Lindzi says “I got my heart broken a year ago” we drink a glass of turpentine.

I’m pretty sure my heart just totally melted seeing Ben’s face when Lindzi admitted to falling in love with him. It’s like that wall he’s had up that has hidden that dorky, hilarious guy from last season has been broken down.

And then they get ready to do the nasty.

Coming off another booty call, Ben meets up with Courtney, but has some issues with the shit-tacular way that Courtney, aka: whoreface, has treated the other women.

After a train ride, the couple walks through a village, shopping for fruit, bread and Swiss cheese (otherwise known as “cheese” in Switzerland). Then they stop for a (gasp) PICNIC ride next to some cows and we learn the rules of Ben and his sister’s game: Hey Cow!

1. Find a cow.
2. Scream “HEY COW!” as loud as you can.
3. If the cow looks at you, you win.

Awesomesauce times infinity.

Okay, NEW drinking game: every time Courtney is on-screen, you scream “HEY COW!” Everybody wins.

Later, at dinner, Ben confronts Courtney about being a whoreface to the other women and (puke) Ben actually admits that he has fallen in love with her. Has ANY Bachelor/ette admitted that prior to the finale?!

Puke times two: he presents Courtney with the booty call card (also known as sloppy THIRDS), which she accepts, after making Ben proclaim his feelings first, of course.

After screwing his third lady in a row, there’s a knock at the door…

It’s our Beloved Kacie B.!

I think Ben’s reaction is fitting: “Holy shit!”

You can tell right off the bat that Kacie is terribly nervous and, while shaking, she proceeds to ask Ben for answers, why she was sent home and what changed.

In a nice Ben-type way, he basically said that Kacie’s family is fucked up and he didn’t want to get involved in that.

After she gets her heart broken all over again, she tells Ben that she doesn’t want to see him get hurt and that Courtney is a whoreface who is in it to win it.

It’s a pretty said moment where both of them look like they are about to bust in to tears at any given moment.

Mother fucker, now *I’m* tearing up. I really love Kacie B.

A conflicted Ben sits down next with our beloved host, Chris Harrison, and you can immediately tell that he is a troubled man. Finally, the roses go to…

…Lindzi (thank god!).


Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Poor Nicki. I hope that Nicki and Kacie egg Courtney’s house when they get back to the States.

This goddamn show has made me cry TWICE tonight. Goddamn you, Ben.

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