“It smelled a lot like grandma.”

16 Jan

Hi there! I think we might know each other? I write in this crusty and damp part of the photosphere that I like to call Mom to Bee…Have you heard of it? Tens of people used to read it, you know, before I went on an unannounced and unexpected blog sabbatical. Also, this post will not be proofread, so have fun trying to decode what I’m writing.

Anywho and whatnot, I back mother fuckers!! And have y’all been watching Bachelor this season ‘cause this shit if OFF THE HOOK! The crazy is so thick you can cut it with a knife that some of those crazy bitches probably have stashed in their luggage “just in case” they need to guard and protect Ben’s heart.

And Ben. Oh, sweet and so genuine Ben. He’s adorably blunt and honest in his…ownership of a fucking vineyard! That’s all I need to hear. Unlimited access to boxes and boxes of wine? Signed, served and delivered, yo.

And he plays the piano too? Are you kidding me?? Pretty soon the producers will be showing Ben rescuing puppies from the pound while serving dinner at a food bank and singing to ignored seniors at the local old folks home. But, sadly, all of that will be WITH CLOTHES because I think the is the first Bachelor in a long time to not have a shirtless-soapy montage and, honestly, I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Surprised? Yes. Disappointed and ashamed because of that disappointment? I’ll get back to you.

Since this is the “oh-my-gawd-there-is-so-much-crazy” introductory episode, here are my CliffsNotes on most of the girls. Some where just, well, not worth the imaginary ink. As always, my Bachelor commentary is meant to be funny. Like, haha funny. If your mother’s aunt’s sister’s cousin’s daughter is best friends with one of these women’s brother’s dog walker, my bad.

Without further ado, BACHELOR 2012!!!

In general, every single woman on the show this season looks like she’s been rolling around in Nacho Doritos dust.

Lindzi C. from Bellevue
Holla! Lindzi is representin’ my ’hood(ish) so despite the equestrian obsession, I’m obligated by state law to love her. Poor Lindzi stood out by displaying the worst break up text EVAR:

“The guy sent me a break up text that said “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville … population YOU.”

Asshole douche knuckle does not even COVER a dude like that! So obviously, I’m rooting for her. Even though she rode in on a horse and touches her hair WAY too much.

Amber T. from Nebraska
(1) NRA member. (2) Loves killing adorable animals and birds. (3) Despite her love of killing shit, she is a nurse. (4) Blind (I’m assuming that due to the dress she wore that burned my corneas.

Kacie B. from Tennessee
Yeah, I think she’s gonna end up being a stalker.

Courtney from Santa Monica
A model with duck lips the size of the stick that is firmly up her ass.
“I’m better than them.” Yeah, she SAID that. Barf.

Jamie from New York
Nurse, who looks very down to earth and adorable. Druggie mom and took custody of younger siblings. Nervous but caught Ben’s eye. I’m a fan.

Lindsay from Scotsdale
Who’s that dude? Seriously, she is the most British-looking Brit I have ever seen. You know, if the Brit was a dude. She’s a diplomat’s daughter and is enormously frightening in all different languages.

Jenna from New York
Blogger/Romance writer (read: Carrie Bradshaw wannabe)
Her entrance was *crickets* and awkwardness. Kill me now. PAINFUL. She is shocked that every single woman isn’t instantly in love with Ben on sight and immediately displays that she will be the most emotionally unstable and, for obvious reasons, my favorite of the entire season.

Shawn from Phoenix
Single mom of a 7ish year old son. She stood out when she slapped Ben on the shoulder, surprising (and maybe hurting our delicate flower,) Ben a little bit.

Nicki from Texas
Has the depth of a wading pool when she declare that both her and Ben have “gone through things in our past.“ Uh, so has, like, EVERYONE? Married at 21 and now divorced, Nicki seems to believe that she is a survivor, ain’t gonna give up…

Rachel from New York
Her middle name is Rose. I like her.

Erika from Chicago
Her dress seriously made me VIMMAL. And then the “Ben, you are guilty of being sexy” line? I just threw up even MORE in my mouth.

Amber from Vancouver, Canada
Baconator. ‘nough said.

Elyse from Chicago
Totally forgettable.

Emily from North Carolina
Works for the CDC or something. Sanitized Ben properly and then scored the first kiss of the night.

Samantha from Los Angeles
Miss Pacific Palisades. Who? What? Go away. Worst hair I’ve ever seen.

Casey S. from Kansas
Weird half see-thru dress. Besides that…forgettable.

Holly from Kentucky
Wore a gigantic hat and looked ridiculous.

Shira from Los Angeles
Who?

Blakely from North Carolina
VIP waitress. Pretty sure that means a waitress that gives happy endings.

Sheryl from Colorado
Retired, 72yo. And on crutches. Freaks Ben out fer reals when he sees her, but he calms down when Sheryl introduces her cute granddaughter, Britteny. Upon entering the cocktail hour with grandma, bitch faces COMMENCE!

Diana from California
Works for a non-profit. Had the world’s biggest brain fart and giggles that hurt my brain. If she worked for a for-profit company, she would’ve been fired by now.

Jennifer from Oklahoma City

Anna from Detroit
Is super ballsy and whispers “hi” and then passes up Ben to walk straight inside.

Monica from Salt Lake City
Confession: she misses her dog. Really? ::eye roll:: But later she’s super loud, funny, bi-curious and full of the awesome!

Jaclyn from Massachusetts
…yawn…

After horse-rider-inner, the serious bitch faces come out and the claws are getting sharpened on the psychos’ pointy teeth. How DARE someone ride in on a HORSE?! Pa-shaw!! The NERVE!!

PS: Are they all totally wasted?

All in all, the conversations between Ben and all the Bachelorettes so far have been so nauseatingly boring. And since when does feeding someone candy out of a hobo’s drinking sack foreplay?

As the alcohol is absorbed in to their anorexic stomachs, the real crazies start to appear. Like, what is Jenna’s PROBLEM?! Besides being super crazy face? And wanting to share a tampon with Monica? Which makes Monica drink more and be FUCKING HYSTERICAL and threaten to cut Jenna’s face off. Have I mentioned that I see a lot of myself in Monica? She’s fucking rad.

And Jenna has the first cry/weep/sob of the season! Yay! And then lies about it. And insults Ben. And babbles:

“I just feel like, you, like, I know but, that makes us, if, we could be more more nervous, but you could, we all could be more nervous, but the way you’re calm, like we’re like so nervous, but it calms us down a little bit.”

That’s a motherfucking QUOTE people! And it took like five minutes of pausing and restarting the goddamn TiVo to make that happen.

You’re welcome.

And while Jenna talks to herself (and the voices in her head) in the bathroom, Ben supports our local stock by giving the first impression rose to Lindzi, our Bellevue gal!

Cue sobbing in the bathroom from Jenna.

Flush.

After the puking/duece dropping/cutting herself/whatever, Jenna finally joins the crowd waiting for the rose ceremony to begin.

There are far too many women to figure out who got a rose and who didn’t. But I won’t lie. I actually DID fist pump in the air and scream YES when crazy frizzy-haired Jenna got a rose. The crazy will continue!

One Response to ““It smelled a lot like grandma.””

  1. yourownpersonalstalker January 17, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    Something about Ben makes me think once he is settled into a relationship, he is a giant pussy. Like, you have to take care of the spiders for him and you will get stuck taking out the trash all of the time and he probably only likes the missionary position. He also probably “wants to talk” a lot and if some guy grabbed your ass in a bar he would pretend like he didn’t see it. Puss, puss, and PUSS!

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