“Is the steak on your dinner table just meat pieces glued together?”

9 Feb

This week’s post title brought to you by a local news channel’s promo during a Bachelor commercial break. WTF, amiright?

So this week’s episode started off with a bang; that bang being my head against my coffee table as I realized that my goddamn TiVo put Bachelor at the bottom of my priority list and didn’t start recording it.

We lost the first TWENTY minutes of this week’s episode.

I’ll let that sink in for a minute.

Fucking tragic, yo.

Luckily, my husband is both ingenious and a huge nerd and suggested that we enlist Arla-Shay’s husband (who was stuck with his TiVo also recording two hours of the Bachelor on Monday nights). So, I shit you not, we watched the first twenty minutes of the show on my laptop via Skype.

It was legend-waiting for it-dary.

Anywho, back to the important stuff. I wasn’t able to type and Skype so the first twenty minutes of this recap are very abbreviated.

Date #1
Casey B. got the first date. Because she is the cutest thing since sliced bread. And babies. And puppies. And baby puppies. Oh yeah, you just call those puppies…

Their date was a helicopter trip to a deserted island where they had to (gasp) just hang out with each other. Both of them were terrified, but it turned out well. Mostly because Ben is fracking HAWT machete-ing coconuts and Casey B. is, well, freaking adorable.

Later, over dinner, Casey B. confesses that she used to suffer from bulimia and anorexia (is that how she got so cute?), and Ben (of course) appreciates her “opening up to him” (heh heh, that’s what HE said…) and gives her smooches and the date rose.

Date #2
Courtney, Jamie, Nicki, Casey S., Emily, Lindzi
Look at that view (of the swamp filled with malaria)!
“I want to see something cultural,” says dumb white girl as they “stumble” upon village filled with kids in speedos.

Emily says Courtney is “classy” (sarcasm!) by going totally commando underneath her native garb. In my opinion, Courtney is a dirty dirty whore. Poe-tay-toe, Pah-tah-toe.
During the evening party of the date, Ben has a good talk with Lindzi and smooches a bunch. But seriously, could Ben please stop talking about skinny dipping with Courtney?! Puke.

Ben later sits down with Jamie, who is…wait, who is she? As she starts to spew her verbal diarrhea, Courtney decides to take a swim about ten feet away from them! And then, she lays down on a chaise lounge like FIVE feet away. Needless to say, Ben’s attention strayed from Jamie, and Jamie’s end game of frenching Ben was thwarted.

Emily had some one-on-one time with Ben where she confesses that she fell in love with the tribe’s chief at this afternoon’s village visit. HI-larious! Ben was totally sweating bullets during Emily‘s lead-in. Classic!

After her talk with Ben, Emily sits down with the rest of the ladies and apologizes to Courtney. Courtney’s response was…being a total bitch whoreface. Basically, Courtney tells Emily that she doesn’t “forgive and forget” and that she “has lost all respect for you” despite her numerous admissions of guilt (which, in my opinion, was totally unfounded. Mostly because Courtney is a fucking whore).

After telling Ben that they should “get together” (read: do the nasty) later tonight in her room, Courtney spends the evening getting dolled up and waiting, staring at her watch. Ben…didn’t show! Muuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha! Love!

Date #3
Blakely & Rachel, Save the last dance for me + Dating Thunderdome
Ben take the two ladies to a dance club to learn salsa. After getting dressed in their Maraposa Rack gowns, the girls start their dance training with Ben and the dance coach. Shockingly, Blakely kind of kicks Rachel’s ass at the dancing, even though she looks like a trashy Vegas waitress. Oh wait, ISN’T she a trashy Vegas waitress??

Later that night, we see that Blakely forgot to pack her pants for dinner. In fact, I think she forgot to pack her shirt too. Looks like she’s wearing her satin bath robe at dinner.

Basically, both girls plead for Ben to keep them, Blakely more emotionally than Rachel. I was starting to get swayed by Blakely (I’m not a fan), but then she broke out the psycho stalker scrapbook. The P.S.S. (trademark!) documented in creepy cut-out magazine fragments their “relationship.”

Shockingly (saaaaaaarcasm), Ben gives the date rose to Rachel and sends Blakely packing straight away. As they hugged goodbye, you could almost see Ben struggling to remove Blakely’s talons from his back and shoulders. Sadly, Rachel seems to be turning in to kind of a bitch when she addresses the camera and wishes Blakely a “good flight home.”

Who died?
The moment we’ve I have been waiting for: finding out what the fuck the drama is with Casey S.! I won’t lie, I was kind of taking bets on who in her family kicked the bucket. Chris Harrison pulls C.S. out in the hallway before they start getting ready for the rose ceremony and tells her…

…that the producers know that she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend (who seems more like a CURRENT boyfriend) and after some ridiculous rambling, she finally admits to still being in love with “Michael”.

First of all, what was the deal with the big crying fits on the promo?! I was sure that her entire family was found to have been abducted by aliens and anally-probed.

Okay, now that we know that C.S. isn’t pregnant with an alien baby, what the FUCK is up with her acid-washed denim jumper?! Holy shit, yo. That was wiggidy wack. Who cares about “Michael”, get rid of that chick solely on that one fashion decision. Yuck.

Anywho, in a very (VERY) awkward moment, C.S. admits to the whole shebang and Ben says, sans emotion, that C.S. should go home. Then, while Ben stares longingly in to the ocean, C.S. whines about not being able to find love and Chris Harrison gives her a hug, pep talk, and a swift kick to the curb, Panamanian-style.

Cocktail Hour(s) and Rose Ceremony
I don’t know if Nicki speaking or Casey S. crying is MORE squeaky. Either way, I’d rather hear both on loop than Courtney having more screen time.

Okay, wait, Jamie attempting to seduce Ben was…holy shit…that was so ridiculously painful. Like squirmy on the couch, hands on face, bile rising in throat painful. Most awkward kisses in Bachelor history (plus the ripping of her dress when she straddled Ben’s lap? Hahaha!!).

After rising his mouth out with Clorox with Bleach, Ben gives a…

…rose to Nicki. (What does he see in her? No, seriously, will someone please tell me what he sees in her??)

…rose to Courtney (see Nicki parenthetical)

And the last rose tonight goes to…

…Emily (duh. I mean, did you really think that Jamie’s pseudo-Amish tantric kissing instruction was going to win over Ben?)

Next week on the Bachelor: everyone travels to Belize and it’s the pre-hometown episode. Looks like the girls finally tell Ben that Courtney is a bitchy whoreface. Can. Not. Wait.

One Response to ““Is the steak on your dinner table just meat pieces glued together?””

  1. Erin February 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    Blakely’s real dance moves: http://www.tmz.com/2012/02/09/bachelor-blakeley-shea-lap-dance/#.TzRuznKeXCo

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