Interview With A Child

19 Jul

So this post was going to be all about how Bee is being the biggest terror ever right now and how it’s most likely a direct result of the impending “hatching” of Cletus the Fetus from my womb.

But instead, I have to tell you about the worst interview ever I am witness to right now. Apparently, today is interview day at Panera. One by one, teenagers are straggling in, some dressed up, some, well, not so much.

To be fair, it is Panera.

And let me tell you, they certainly need some help today. No orange juice (what the what?!) and then their Wi-Fi is down??! Don’t even get me started. How the hell am I supposed to enjoy a nice quiet breakfast without Facebook and Perez Hilton?! Jesus.

But at least they didn’t put meat on my goddamn bagel.

Anywho, as I went up to the counter to inquire as to the wi-fi situation (which was answered with, “Uh, we don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like always just kinda…there, you know?” Uh, yeah, that’s genius.), I noticed a kid/teenager walk in. He didn’t look like a total hoodlum, he had a button-down shirt on, albeit untucked.

Let’s just say he looked sketchy enough that I was keeping one lazy eye on my netbook and breakfast sitting in the corner. Don’t ask which one I’d choose, this morning it’s a toss up. I’m fucking hungry, yo.

So after getting my highly-informed explanation of the wi fi situation, I sat on back in my comfy chair only to observe that said hoodlum was actually part of the interviewing teens for who-knows-what job here at Panera. Luckily, the assistant manager (who I have to say was maybe twelve years old) sat them down only a few tables away. From here, I got to listen to the most unimpressive interview evar.

Seriously, you’d think this kid was being forced here by his parents (which, I guess is a possibility). He mumbled every answer which, if it consisted of more than four words was shocking. My favorite answers?

Question: What do you look for in a workplace?
Answer: Uh, fun.

Question: How would your friends describe you?
Answer: Mmmm…social?

Question: What do you expect as a customer?
Answer: Huh?

All with the most uninterested tone in his voice. It was pretty awesome.

Needless to say, the interview lasted only about three minutes, which has got to be some sort of record, right?

I mean, I’ve been to some pretty awful job interviews but at least I think I forced some sort of feigned interest in the position I was applying for.

I at least even pretended I was interested in some random insurance company internship one summer during college where it appeared that they used college students as indentured servants. Seriously, these Office Space zombies looked like they would eat my brains if I showed up on the second day, which, as you can guess, I did not.

What is your worst job interview story?

Song title: Interview With a Child by Chris Gestrin

4 Responses to “Interview With A Child”

  1. Erin July 19, 2010 at 7:29 am #

    Worst job interview? I met this girl at Strabucks to interview for working for her new business for FREE and–oh wait, that was you. Nevermind.

    Speaking of, when you are done shooting babies out of your pee hole (too much?), I wanna chat wedding junk with you. I have a friend getting married on the Cape who needs some help (mentally and bridal-related) and wondered if you had some Word docs or Excel spreadsheets I could e-mail her so she would love me–I mean, YOU. Of course, I meant you.

  2. Jaci July 19, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    My Home Depot interview was the worst evah. The creepy old man who ran human resources conducted the entire interview to my right boob.

    And I wasn’t wearing my typical whore top, either.


  3. My Vag Awesome July 19, 2010 at 9:35 pm #

    Ok, this could not have been timed better.. again brain twin – why do we have this nickname… uh because I just had a relatively hullarious one today. All conversations must be had in person, but next time remind me for a killer story

  4. Mrs. J July 20, 2010 at 10:06 pm #

    I haven’t had a bad one but we’ve been doing a lot of interviewing at work lately. I usually co-interview with my counterpart and we always joke about inserting some fucked up question just to mess with the person. Or, conduct the entire interview solely of fucked up questions. What kind of cookie would you be? If you were an animal, would you be domestic or wild? Why *does* a tennis ball have green fuzz? What kind of donut most describes your work ethic?

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