“I’ll be home having lots of sex.”

After about 15 minutes of “I can’t believe I’m in Spain” bull shit, we finally get to delve in to the FINAL FOUR BACHELORS on The Bachelorette! Squeee!

Because traveling to Spain is what everyone does on their fifth date (right?), ABC sent the four remaining losers, uh, I mean, bachelors to meet Jillian in Espana. Her first date with Kiptyn started off a little rocky…

”I’m definitely surprised how strongly I feel about Jillian right now.”
Jillian began her date with Kiptyn hoping that he would open up with his feelings for her. Surprisingly, Kiptyn is actually realistic and told Jillian that a proposal would be a long way off. Jillian rebounded well from that disclosure and I think she had a bit of a wake up call that, yeah, normal folks don’t get engaged after 4 weeks of dating (or four seconds after they become exclusive).

In order to take their relationship to the next level, the producers painted some pants on to Kiptyn’s junk and forced the pair to dance the Flamengo. The Flamenco? Eh, some sexy Antonio Banderas dance.

Once the sun set, the couple hopped on a scooter and gracefully drove to a nearby restaurant.

Who are we kidding? Kiptyn practically drove through the front of the restaurant like an 80-year who is having a heart attack behind the wheel.

After choking down some escargot (you can take the girl out of Canada but not the Canada out of the girl, I guess), Jillian grilled Kiptyn on kids, relationship/personality faults, etc. Honestly, both of them keep talking about the energy and passion between the two of them and all I see during their date is “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn”.

Maybe some of the yawn will go away after they get the invitation for the Super Sexy Fantasy Suite…

Or not.

Who would have thought that our resident Drunky McDrinks A Lot (her other alias is Slurpy McHotTubSex) would turn down the Fantasy Suite with Kiptyn?! Of course, after a few more glasses/bottles of wine, she does take Kiptyn back to the suite for some dry humping, but ends up kicking him out before things go too far.

Boooooooooooooooooooring.

Side note: Anyone catch that commercial for Dating in the Dark? Drama!! Lurvs it!

”Hola, mi amor.
Jillian’s plan for her date with Reid is bread, cheese, wine and making out in the park. Sounds like Jillian to me. Well, maybe if wine was listed twice.

Reid and Jillian sufficiently filled all of Europe’s stereotypes of the stupid, non-anything-but-English-speaking Americans, but they seemed to really hit it off and have a great time. While chatting at the park, Jillian admits that none of the families were very crazy (i.e. no one made her bury a dead dove or anything). Reid makes a heartfelt attempt at opening up, which is obviously very difficult for him to do. Except for when it comes to opening his mouth and putting his tongue in Jill’s mouth. He seems pretty good at that.

That evening, over dinner, Jillian requests that Reid put a little more detail in to why he thinks they are so good together or would be good together. Acknowledging his slowness in relationships, Reid expresses to Jill that he’s worried that one of the other Bachelors will pretty much tell her that they love her and she’ll pick one of them instead.

After getting her ego boost from Reid, the couple got another Fantasy Suite invitation…

Jillian continues her “get to know you instead of humping you” response to the Fantasy Suite invitation to Reid’s obvious dismay. With that said, Reid thinks that her position is for the best (even though he obviously want to get laid).

”You’re my favorite part about Spain.“
This is Jillian’s first date with Ed since his return to the show. Obviously, she’s worried about getting her heart broken again and all the time that was lost while he was gone.

During a horse-drawn carriage ride through Seville, Jillian somewhat confronts Ed regarding the decision he made to come back, etc.

And then they made out a little.

Nay, a LOT.

*sigh* I ::heart:: Ed.

Side note: how have we not seen an outbreak of Bachelor/ette Herpes yet?

After wiping the drool of their chins, Ed and Jillian go out for a night on the town. Ed is reasonably worried that Jillian has lost some trust in him and I’m really interested to see how he plans to regain her trust.

Side note #815: Wasn’t Ed only gone for like one episode?! I’m sure that was maybe a week, but really, did he miss THAT much?

Once again, Jillian turns down the Fantasy Suite, but really rubs in the whole “I don’t want to get hurt again, you asshole” thing.
But, of course, Jillian couldn’t pass up hanging out with Ed in the Fantasy Suite and they make the decision to stay the night together FULLY DRESSED.

El sigh-o.

“I’m a totally douchebag/asshole. Can’t you tell?”
Oh, did Wes not actually say that? My bad.

Jillian and Wes hang out in Barcelona and things are immediately aaaaaaaaaaaawkward. Jesus, Wes doesn’t even seem to be TRYING to convince Jillian that he likes her at this point.

In fact, one of the first things he does is insult her cross-country skiing skills. Seriously, how do the producers resist the urge to simultaneously vomit in their mouths and punch him in the face when surrounded by him?

I love Jillian’s “Oh, wow! Let’s look at this cool gazebo thingy!” and then POOF! There is a whole blanket picnic set up for them inside. What a wacky coincidence!! Evomit.

But thank the little baby Jesus that Jillian finally seems to realize that Wes is full of shit. She has already noticed his lack of affection and during their picnic date, Wes is sitting pretty much in Madrid.

But I think the best part of the picnic was when Jillian asked, “What if I said, Wes, I think that you’re the one and I want to make this work, how are we going to do it?”

Wes’ response: “That bird has no foot. Gawd, what’s wrong with it?”

A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

At a long, drawn out, dinner, Wes attempts to make excuses for why he is unaffectionate. Basically it boiled down to him saying that he is Numero Uno and is the most important in the whole situation.

When asked about his (ex)girlfriend, Wes says that they “broke up due to their differences”. Yeah. Right.

Finally. Painfully. Jillian gets the picture.

Wes is a total d-bag.

Then, hilariously, the Fantasy Suite invitation is delivered.

Wes, being the total fucker that he is, suggested that they take the suite together.

Luckily, Jillian basically tells him to fuck off.

FINALLY!!!

What’s disgusting is how pleased with himself Wes looks that he’s gotten this far. I really hope she lays in to him during the Rose Ceremony.

No “The last rose…”?
Did anyone but me cry a single tear for the absence of our beloved host, Chris Harrison? The Rose Ceremony just wasn’t the same without the long, drawn-out interview with Jillian about which dude she should Auf. And after she awarded Ed and Reid roses, well, I didn’t have a single clue how many roses where left!!

But I digress.

Thankfully, this RC was short and sweet. Basically, Wes, you are a douche but I’m going to pretend to be more mature than you and not go off. Which, really? Boring! I was really hoping that Jillian would put one of her fancy designer boots where the sun don’t shine on Wes.

But the most important thing is that now I can recommence my ignorant “this will be a dream come true romance with a proposal and they’ll live happily ever after and have little Bachelor/ette babies and grow old together until one evening, at sunset, they will both pass together holding hands while rocking in their rocking chairs on the porch” fantasy.

What? It could happen.

Right?